So tonight I know that my wife is with OM at a restaurant. She'll make all these elaborate stories about where she is going, and they change as she is driving talking to me on her phone. My question.....I recently confronted about knowing that they are always together, but I don't think she is really thinking that I know. How often should I repeat myself? I keep thinking of doing things tonight....I could think of several options....call the restaurant and page him, there are numerous others. I know the result before trying. But of course I'm supposed to believe that she just dropped in there herself and is going to work after that.<P>Really what I'm wondering is each time I confront it can be kind of an LB, but if I'm 99% sure of a lie, should I tell a little more often, or let it slide? I'm plan Aing all along, and I know they have no future (long story). It just drives you crazy to be told a series of silly lies and to think that she might figure I've been fooled. What do you think?

Hey there Rick,<P>Here's something you may try ....<P>TRUTH or LIE RULE, thats what my counselor recommended, and it worked.<P>My H and I went to a joint counseling session and our counselor told us that because the<BR>lies are hurting me so bad, that my H needs to stop lieing. H said he couldn't because the truth would hurt me more than the lies.<P>So counselor said that we needed to do this:<P>Everytime I suspected a lie (backed up with compelling evidence but unprovable) I was<BR>to say to him "Truth or Lie" and H was to respond with either. Then we were to end the<BR>conversation.<P>Well the very next night H was going out and I knew he was lieing about where he was<BR>going, so I asked Truth or Lie, he said "Truth", he left. 10 mins later he called me on his cell phone and said "I'm lieing, I'm going somewhere other than where I told you". I thanked him for being honest and we hung up. It was very weird how it worked.<P>Now, we did end up separating because the A had already taken it's toll by that time,<BR>but it did work. <P>Don't know if this is considered an LB or not. It is showing your wife your boundaries regarding being lied to.<P>Just an idea, Rick.<P>God Bless and take care of yourself.<P>Jo

Rick, I really like Resillient's truth or lie reeommendation.... but I want to add, that I really believe that they lie not so much because they think WE can't take it, but because THEY can't.<P>So, I think being as nonjudgmental.... thanking them when they tell the truth is the best way to let them know you are safe...<P><BR>The WS are having the most trouble with themselves... they know it,,,,but still can't deal with it.<P>You can do it, but it takes a tremedous amount of grace.... ask for help.... pray.

Rick,<P>I, like you, knew most of the time when it happened. When he would come home or maybe the next day after I had time to stop fuming, I would say, "Have you seen or talked to X today (or yesterday etc...)? I usually got the truth. <P>cleo

Hi, Rick. Unlike others, when I confronted my husband about what I KNEW he was doing, he backed off could no longer lie. I didn't yell nor scream, but I couldn't put up with the lies, I just couldn't. I know that the betrayer has an armor of deceit around themselves and uses excuse after excuse to try and hide what they're REALLY doing. But I don't think ignoring the facts helps anything, it just enables (I have to say this..IN MY CASE). When I confronted my husband with what he was doing, he couldn't deny it, it was obvious. And I wasn't about to put up with his coming's and going's with other women. I felt (and still feel) that I'm worth more than that, I know the classic betrayer' mindset, and it's a fantasy, but that little fantasy bubble has to be broken. My H would have straddled that fence if I hadn't said anything.<P>I'm sorry, I did love my husband very much, and I've not been a person who demands, but there are boundaries, IMO. What you've written about what your wife says is so much of what I've heard from my H. This is a very personal decision (how to handle), and one that you only know the answer to best. But she does need to realize (at least when I compare to my own situation) what her actions are causing, and that she's fooling no one. She will have to own up to it sooner or later.

Rick37, this is something that I have struggled with a lot, too. I always knew when my H was lying, but it always led to a fight if I confronted him. Now, I just simply say, I know that's not the truth and end it with that. He's actually started being more honest, but lying by omission still seems to be a problem.....<P>Do the best you can---believe me, I know it's difficult!!

Rick,<BR>Just remember if you get an answer that appears to be the truth--don't lovebust on your spouse for telling you. Or come back with that info to rag on them. Honesty, if it appears, can disappear once again.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Rick37 I have been following you. My heart goes out to you. My H is an expert lier. He can look me straight in the eye and lie. He claims its instinct. God help me. Anyway, his advice to me, that may help you, was that he panics when confronted and has to answer. He claims that I should ask him the question, (I always inform him I may know the truth and to take that into consideration before he answers)and give him 5 minutes to express how he wants to tell me. He claims that gives him time to express himself without lying. It has worked but sometimes I feel it buys him time to come up with a whopper. Thanks for your reply on whether or not to tell him I know. I have to tell him, I cant live with him knowing something may be going on behind my back. Good luck, I wish my H was as dedicated to me as you are to your wife. You sound like a great guy. Maybe you should try the tough guy routine. Or dont be home when she gets back and dont ask any questions. Sometimes changing your responses changes theirs. Good luck