SO I recieved everybodys opinion to late and I went to see what the ow looks like. And yes I was bummed shes pretty. I want to let my husband know I know of their communication. So far I believe it is emails and small gifts, dont know for sure. I dont feel she should, or he for that matter,( she is the one doing all the contact), that this office relationship is okay with me. I believe if I let this go and they believe they have a secret it may develop to more. Others have said stop it before it happens but the current post every body said just please him at home. I am so confused, opinions anyone. I was taking a suggestion of a member and write myself a letter from a coworker ratting on them, then ask him about it. HELP!!!

Here is a silly idea for a way to let him know, sort of related to the "ratting" one you have already. Open up a new email account, name is something crazy like "ThoughtYouShouldKnow", and send yourself an email to your real account saying whatever you'd like to say (ie. ratting on them). Delete the email account (but make sure you don't fill in any personal information anyway). Print the email and pretend it came from an anonymous person at his work. Show it to him. Hey, now that I think of it, maybe I should do this. Maybe I think to much.....<P>Good luck.

When I felt that something was was not okau, I said something right away. Straight up! No manipulation of events, or 3rd party stuff. Honesty is important; tell him about your feelings and fears and then ask him if there is anything going on.<P>You're going to drive yourself crazy wondering, when all you need to do is ask him. Be prepared for whatever he may say. You have a choice of staying in the dark because the truth may hurt you, but everyday you'll slowly go crazy wondering about it and behave irrationally. OR, ask him and get the truth, then get ready to work on your marriage if it is true. If it's nothing, then you'll have peace of mind.<P>That's my 2 cents, MT

Honesty is usually the best way to go about bringing this all out in the open. Make sure he feels secure that he can tell.<BR>No lbs when he tells you things that you dont like. AND if you are not ready for the answer, do NOT ask the question!!!<BR>

Honesty is good, of course. Just prepare yourself for denials...because usually when confronted about affairs people are adamantly denying that they are doing anything wrong.

I agree with Rick that most would deny; hey, some even deny till blue in the face when the whole town is gossiping, the receipts show motel rooms been paid, lingerie being bought not your size, etc...<P>If you are uncomfortable about the dishonesty part of the ploy, then get someone, maybe a friend or (RICK ) to create the account and email to you the a coworker cares type of information.<P>It is also good to let the H think that he has 'spies' in the workplace.<P>Another thing you may let him on about how bad affairs can be would be to buy such books and leave them around the house. You can also try to be even more radiant yourself, and have a lot of good time with him - looking at old photos, videos, have lots of bedroom activities, etc..<P>YOu can leave info regarding this MB site for him to find his way - BUT PLEASE LET US KNOW IN ADVANCE TO ERASE AND EDIT OUR MAILS TO YOU AND YOU SHOULD EDIT YOUR OWN MAILS FIRST TOO.

Hey.....now I'm being touted as the phony email guy! I better be careful. Weep, I got a kick out of reading your suggestion. Now you raise an important point tough, which is something I was wondering. If I think my wife is going to check out MB, can I/should I edit and/or delete some messages? What does everyone do?

Weep I like your thinking. I typed a letter to myself from a coworker, I hope it accomplishes what you suggest. Everybody tells me its going to backfire. I said (the coworker said) that the OW is less than discrete and has talked. Hopefully it will cause some friction between the two and he will doubt her silence. Thanks for your imput<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weep:<BR><B>I agree with Rick that most would deny; hey, some even deny till blue in the face when the whole town is gossiping, the receipts show motel rooms been paid, lingerie being bought not your size, etc...<P>If you are uncomfortable about the dishonesty part of the ploy, then get someone, maybe a friend or (RICK ) to create the account and email to you the a coworker cares type of information.<P>It is also good to let the H think that he has 'spies' in the workplace.<P>Another thing you may let him on about how bad affairs can be would be to buy such books and leave them around the house. You can also try to be even more radiant yourself, and have a lot of good time with him - looking at old photos, videos, have lots of bedroom activities, etc..<P>YOu can leave info regarding this MB site for him to find his way - BUT PLEASE LET US KNOW IN ADVANCE TO ERASE AND EDIT OUR MAILS TO YOU AND YOU SHOULD EDIT YOUR OWN MAILS FIRST TOO.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I have never understood or agreed with the idea of not confronting one's spouse about what they are doing. I believe that you should be doing Plan A, but I also believe in getting everything out in the open. I really believe that the idea of not confronting is born of fear, and I don't believe that you can have a marriage that exists with fear, but that is just my humble opinion.

I think you do tell them what you know.<P>What you try to avoid in Plan A is doing so with big LB's...so try to avoid loud angry outbursts or disrespectful comments. Just state calmly what you know, and don't get drawn into an argument about how you found out...that is a side-issue.<P>Kathi

personal,<P>I understand everything you are feeling. I have been there and wanted to catch him red-handed. What's the point? You already know what is going on. What more do you need? Why make stuff up? Just tell him in a calm way. I am sure he probably knows that you suspect. He's not going to care what you have on him anyway. He will chose to deny or confirm regardless of what you have. <P>Now, from my own personal experience, I told H in a calm nonchalant way that I was pretty sure he was having an A and with whom. Because I was so calm about it, he confirmed. He didnt volunteer much information beyond that. Men dont like to see women freak out anyway. They don't respond well to it. The betrayer can not handle your pain or feelings right now. If you want him back, go to an HONEST Plan A. Do your very best. Be honest with him about what you expect and what you are willing to live with. Games don't really accomplish anything.<P>cleo

Dear Cleo,<P>Personal is not sure if there is an A. She just receives her emails thanking him for gifts. That is what I read in her first post.<P>The problem with confronting is that the spouse will deny and some of us just aren't equipped with the capacity to carry on talking. I probably am the sort who will end up feeling sorry for the spouse and start thinking I am imagining stuff - some WS have the glib to talk birds down a tree. Unless there is some evidence to the contrary.<P>I know some such stuff have worked. Well, I hope it works for personal as well.<P>

Dear Rick<P>You can edit by going to the top of the page and use the icon (a page with a pencil at the left (oops, right not left of it, hence the edit ) and click and you can add or delete, except the title of the thread and other members' posts.<P>Depending on your wife and whether she knows it is you. Sometimes it is good to let them see your pain (if she is the empathetic type). Sometimes they will laugh (the sadistic lowlife type). SOmetimes they get angry (the private type). My WS belongs to the last category and when he accidentally found out about this site, I had to edit some of my earlier messages. Still not sure if he visits the site.<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 26, 2000).]

Thank you weep. I'm not at the point of needing to do it yet, but might be later. Thanks personal for replying to me in another thread too.

I'm in the "don't bother" camp. A spouse who wants to hide an EA is going to find a way to hide it. You can drive yourself crazy with this.<P>You can let him know that the relationship is hurtful to you, if you can do it in a non-accusatory way. But don't look for him to say, "Ok, if it bothers you I'll drop it." It isn't likely to happen, particularly if he's a typical man and can't see a predator when she's biting him on the nose.<P>I've been there. You can't stop it. You can't do anything about it. Snooping is giving you the ILLUSION of control, but not real control.<P>If you really want to confront, perhaps you should lay the groundwork first by eliminating the LB's. Then word it the Peggy Vaughan way, something like "I'm going to ask you something and I want the truth. I believe that you may be having an A with [OW]. If it's true, it doesn't necessarily mean the end of our marriage, but if it's true and you don't tell me the truth, that lie could damage us far more than the truth, no matter how painful."<P>Good luck. <P>PS -- I didn't do that.