I know all to well of all of the hurt and confusion that is here on this board.... I used to be one too!<P>But now that time has passed and I am no longer in that way, there is something that I have learned and would like to share with you all.<P>I know that many of you can't believe this or even grasp that what I am saying is true but I promise you that it is.<P>No matter how you feel or what you think or what questions torment your days and nights... there is one thing that you need to keep in mind. You will not always feel like this.<P>Many of you will see this nightmare end in the way that you hope it will. But then again some of you won't but there is one thing no matter which catagory you fall into. <P>You all will experience happiness again and you all will love and live again.<P>Please remember that each and everyone of you are special and each and everyone of you are loveable too. <P>I wish there was a way to convince and to help you get to that place where you will find peace but I can't. But that doesn't mean that it isn't there because it is.<P>For those of you who believe in God... he knows where it is and he can help you get there. For those of you who don't believe in God, he still knows where it is and can help you get there.<P>I hope and pray for peace, love and happiness for you all in the very very near future!!!<P>{{{{{{{{{HUGS TO ALL}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Genie

Thanks Genie29!<P>Your encouragement is needed by those of us that see no end to the misery.<P>God bless,<P>DM

Gene29,<P>Thank you. I REALLY needed that at that exact moment.<P>God Bless You.<P>Jo

Me too Genie...I needed some wise words from someone who has emerged from this mess as a better person.<P>It's so hard to envision the future, nice to know it can be good.<P>Thanks for taking the time to reach out.<P>allison

Thanks! I needed that. On a day when I'm feel particularly pessimistic about what lies ahead, it's so encouraging to read your comments, even though they don't seem to describe the future I expect. I thought after nearly 2 years past DDay #1 and over a year past DDay #2, I'd be in better shape. As I told my H tonight, I feel at times that I've spent 26 years with a man I never really got to know. He still acts and reacts in way that are totally out of vharacter for the man I married and thought I knew so well. But I intend to stay the course, at least for now. But my H's several year affair that produced a child we now see on a weekly basis is hard to live with. If I just KNEW that one day life would seem happy and secure instead of tolerable with only occasional moments of security, I think I could move ahead with confidence. Do you really believe it's possible for all of us to reach the "light at the end of the tunnel" or are some of us just kidding ourselves?

Genie,<BR>Thanks for words of encouragement,hope to get to that "place" someday.Love and prayers beth

Genie29: Thank you for lifting my spirits. Some days it's hard to get out of bed and when I do I only find myself fighting back that burning sensation between my eyes and in the back of my throat and in my stomach in a feable attempt to prevent the tears from coming. Thank you for caring so much to take a few moments to make us feel better. God Bless you. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

I am glad that I could lift some of your spirits, I really do remember how it feels and I really don't think that it is something that I am likely to ever forget but you just can't let it run your life.<P>There are still things that I battle with. For example, I see a car like the OW drives... I can't help but look closer and think about that time in my life. <P>When I ride in my H's car... it is really hard being seated where I saw the OW sitting that day that I saw them together. Knowing how much time they spent together in that car and what they did in it too.<P>But there is something else too. I hadn't really fallen upon this too much. Especially not so profoundly. I was going to post about this anyway but I guess this is as good of place as anywhere else. I think it will help some of you see what you need to do is just to accept that this is how some things are. Its not nice but it still is how it seems to be. We can't do anything about other people's actions, all we can do is not be influenced by their bad judgement.<P>I recently started working a new job. One day the phone rang and I answered it. It was a woman asking for another employee. The male employee that she asked for was with a member but I thought that it may be a call from someone internally. So I said that he was with a member and could I tell him who was calling? Then this woman on the other end said in somewhat of a matter of factly and somewhat hateful voice, "This... is his girlfriend!" I was taken back a little by her tone so I just merely said ok, just a minute and I'll tell him.<BR>I wondered about this because I know that he is married and he wears a wedding ring.<P>He came one other morning and and when asked how his weekend was he replied, "I had a great weekend!" All day he seemed rather peppy.<P>Then... the other day at work. This woman came in carrying a child. She makes it well known that she is this person's girlfriend and seemed to make everyone know she is there. Then she starts saying to the child, "Where is daddy?", "Daddy's working." and so on and so on.<P>Someone asked her if she was "his" wife and she says kinda loudly that she isn't but that "he" loves her more than his wife.<P>I have no idea what the situation is and I don't mean to sound judgemental but I couldn't help but be affected by the display.<P>I saw what I can't help but see from my own experiences as the "OW" the "H" and "their child". When I looked at her I saw my H's OW and felt all kinda of anger and all sorts of other emotions too.<P>Then, I felt so bad for "his" wife. I couldn't help but wonder if she knew or not? I couldn't help but feel my heart pouring out to her either way, knowing what I know about how this feels to a wife.<P>But... it affected me so that I found some of those old doubts, thoughts and questions creeping back into my mind; plus some new ones. It really started having an affect on me.<P>And this is where I get to my point. No matter how long ago it was or if you are right in the middle of it, there will be times that you will find that it starts creeping back up on you. That is why I think the key for us to cope no matter what stage we are in. Is to realize that we may not be perfect but lets face it niether is anyone else. Yes, we make mistakes but show me one person that doesn't.<P>We must accept ourselves for who we are and be proud of who we are. If we have nothing to feel ashamed about then we shouldn't feel ashamed and hold our heads up high.<P>We must realize that just as we have changed, our spouses have changed to. And if the circumstances in your life changes then your life will be changed and not be as it was before.<P>I know that I often said that my H didn't act the same anymore. And I couldn't understand how come. Because life wasn't as it was before either. We all change, I did too. <P>I am not the same as I was when we met. I am not the same as when we married, had our first child, our second or before the affair as I am now. <P>All of the events of our life shape us into who will be tomorrow. So please, don't blame yourself anymore, don't torture yourself with questions that 9 times out of 10 will never get a answer. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself about how you feel or with anyone else and never apologize for being truthful.<P>Hold your head up high, be proud of yourself because you know and like the person you are on the inside. <P><B> Accept the things that you can't change and let them go... Improve the things that you can change and be proud of yourself for doing so... But you must be able to tell the difference. </B><P>In my case at work, I had to literally stop myself and think. That is not me, that is not the OW and that is not my H. I had to remind myself that I am better now and that I will not let my mind or the thoughts that seem to come upset me and make the decision to just <B>STOP!!!</B><P>If you can do that, it doesn't matter where you are in this ride, but if you can make a decision that you will control it instead of letting it control you... you will find life easier. <P>Remember, you can't control what other people do, you can only control yourself. And the actions of others won't have such an affect on you if you decide not to let it!<P>Sorry so long.... I get carried away but I sure do hope that some of you can use this and find it useful. <P>Love,<BR>Genie <P>

anniem,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If I just KNEW that one day life would seem happy and secure instead of tolerable with only occasional moments of security, I think I could move ahead with confidence.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>annie, do you really mean this?<P>the good news is you can KNOW that you will be happy, but only you can make that happen.<P>the bad news is you can know that you will be happy, but only YOU can make that happen.<P>In working through Phil McGraw's book "Life Strategies" I am truly learning this.<P>We create our own experience and teach people how to treat us...<P>Or is it the memories (with the constant reminder of the child) that haunt you?<P>What do you say to yourself (self talk) when you remember?<P>I found myself spiraling down last night so that I greeted my h at the door depressed, he had done nothing. That's part of the price I pay of continuing to post, a daily reminder of the past.<P>But I stopped and asked WHY I felt down???<P>I was telling myself he had the two As over 2 yrs because I'm no good, I failed my marriage, I don't deserve any better....<P>When you can step back and see your own self-talk, you are almost there...<P>This is NOT true. He did what he did because of HIM. Yes, we were both not meeting each other's needs real well. That's no excuse! He did what he did because of HIM.<P>I am an incredible person and have demonstrated it even more by giving this man a second chance at what he now sees as the only REAL happiness.<P>I can choose to stay with him because after almost a year of teaching him what I need from him, we are now enjoying the most incredible love story and family life.<P>I am fully aware of the risk that he may cheat again, no matter how well I am meeting his needs. That's who he is. I still choose to be here right now. He flies constantly. His plane could crash today. I still choose to be here right now!<P>I have convinced him that I am not a doormat. Any more infidelity and he has blown his last chance. I will be happy somewhere else, because I am good and loving and faithful and am learning to know what I want and not be afraid to ask for it.<P>Think about the self-talk. If your h told you your hair was green, you wouldn't be hurt, right? You look in the mirror and KNOW it is not true.<P>His having an affair says we are worthless and I was feeling that way for a long time.<P>It is what we say to ourselves. I know that is not true, just like the green hair, I know I deserve much better. I only give him a second chance because I think he can DO much better...

Genie,<P>We posted almost at the same time.<P>I think we have reached many of the same conclusions in our journey.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Is to realize that we may not be perfect but lets face it niether is anyone else. Yes, we make mistakes but show me one person that doesn't.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, none of us are perfect. But take it one step further. Don't blame yourself AT ALL for your h's A.<P>The purpose of the needs assessments is to better understand how we can improve our marriages and understand our WS.<P>It is NOT for us to blame ourselves in any way, shape or form for what he did!<P>Maybe it has helped me reach this new point of freedom that my h has told me he understands his dark side - that even now (and things are GREAT between us) - if he isn't careful to avoid the wrong situations, he will cheat again.<P>I want to take the blame because I want to feel like there is something I can do to MAKE SURE he never cheats again. There isn't!<P>I can help him, we can set up our lives differently and eliminate his travel (and temptations that go with it). But only HE can MAKE SURE...<BR>

Hi All,<P>How, oh how, do I get sucked into these threads? Heaven only knows... but this time I can thank Schizzo <waves to Schizzo ><P>Genie, This is all wonderful news. One little shot of the reality that you already know is that things like the car OW drives will haunt you for... well... forever. It won't sting like it does now, but it will be there. My stbx got gifts of Chicago cassettes from OW #2, with certain songs mentioned... Along Comes a Woman is one of those songs. I burned, thrashed, destroyed them at the time, and hated the group after that. One thing that I did which helped, believe it or not, was like aversion therapy. I won some tickets to, you guessed it, a Chicago concert, around our 14th anniversary. Guess what? I took my H and went to that stupid concert. Three hours of Chicago music, including THE SONG. It worked to a point. Still, every time I hear the music I cringe a bit, but it doesn't "hurt" like it did. <P>Schizzo, you make such a good point about blame. I still (some days) see myself as the fat, slobby, over-bearing wife that pushed her H to other women. STILL!! The one thing that changed how I felt a bit was having an affair myself (god help me! ). I took complete responsibility for MY AFFAIR, and realized, WHY AM I TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS? I can't be at fault for ALL OF IT, can I? McGraw's book (and others) have shown me that only I am responsible for me... I have nobody to blame when I make a choice to do wrong. Yes, there are factors that made me feel bad about my situation, but ultimately I chose my course of action, and MY H CHOSE HIS.<P>Thanks for the vent... I'm having a rough morning for some reason.<P>

When the man I had loved and trusted for a quarter of a century, the man who was devoted to his family, left me and our six children for another woman, I didn't think it could get any worse.<P>I was wrong. It got worse when he saw less and less of the children as time went on. When he told them that one of the reasons was that they fought too much.<P>It got worse when he continued to heap criticism on me.<P>It got worse when he changed jobs so that he no longer worked anywhere near us, and then soon was laid off, plunging the kids and me into near poverty. He has now been out of work for 5 months, in a market that has never been better. Even if he finds a job now, what is going to happen during the next recession, when he is even older and jobs are scarce?<P>It got worse when it became obvious that the company I work for is not doing very well. Any day now I could also be out of work.<P>I will be over 60 by the time our youngest graduates from high school. I will be raising all the children, including one with severe learning disabilities, all by myself until I am ready to retire. It is highly unlikely that we will ever not be poor. <P>Don't tell me that I will be happy again. Don't tell me that all I have to do is expect that I will be happy and it will happen. Don't tell me I'll find someone else - even if I wanted to, even if I could ever trust anyone again, there are a very limited number of men out there my age who would not hesitate at the thought of raising someone else's kids for the next 14 years. I am just being realistic about the fact that I will be raising the kids alone forever, with almost no participation by their father.

First of all,Nellie1, my heart goes out to<BR>you and your children. Your troubles are a<BR>large burden to carry. I just wanted to say<BR>you'll be in my thoughts. Still keep your<BR>head up. I hope you see better times ahead.<BR>You never know...good things can come again.<P>Thanks Genie,<P>I dont normally look in this section. <BR>Im glad that I did. It was an inspiration<BR>to read your thoughts. I HAVE to count myself<BR>lucky that my husband is committed to our<BR>marriage even though he made a terrible<BR>mistake right before we married. A child was<BR>born that in all luckly hood is my husbands.<BR>There are days when this is ALL I think about<BR>I cant afford to spend so much time on it <BR>because I have 3 young children to raise.<BR>Thank you for giving me new perspective on <BR>life and happiness. Its refreshing to see<BR>other people coming out the other side -<BR>not like your old self- changed but for the<BR>better.We dont have a choice so might as well<BR>make the best of it if theres anything to<BR>save!<P>Good luck to everyone.

Noe I remember why I asked you to be my "coach" almost a year ago <P>Once again your words of encouragement bring out renew hope (it didn't go away mind you) call it a booster shot.<P>I only wish that those who are so negative could see the bright side of this. I pray for them.<P>Take good care. Love Ya,<P>Bill

Oh God Nellie,<P>I am just so sorry. I don't have words to express how sad I feel for you. I know, you don't want sympathy...won't help a bit, just makes me cry when someone is sympathetic to me, but please, just know I'm thinking of you and doing my best to send you my thoughts of hope.<P>And BTW, may I just say this about your H...WHAT A JERK!<P>Sorry, don't often do that, but not working...with six kids to support!!! My God, you are a strong woman. <P>allison