My WS wife seems to cling to the idea that I really don't know what is going on with OM. Today she said she was too busy to have lunch, had a meeting with a client. She was silly enought to tell me who, and I asked where, so she said "her house". I went there, of course no sign. Then I verified that the intention was to meet OM for lunch. The worst part is she put the kids at the babysitter 2 hours early to do that.<P>So I calmly left a message telling her I came home (client on same street) to make her a surprise lunch (I do that and bring her food at work all the time), but that she wasn't around. I said "you got a better offer darling...have a nice lunch".<P>I don't think it is an LB, just letting her know that I know...right? Am I being too indirect...should I just use plain english and tell her she went for lunch with OM? She wouldn't answer, so I just had to leave some little message.<P>Just curious what you think...so much crap happens that sometimes I don't know which way to go with it. It just gets so frustrating being met with denial all the time. Thanks.<P>

The denial thing is a hard one to deal with. Your message may just give her more guilt. She may view it as a LB. <P>It's difficult to give advise because denial is so strong. I would still simply keep up the plan A and no LB's and see where that takes you.<P>Those of us dealing with our WS pretending either that they are NOT doing anything wrong seem to have a more difficult time than the ones dealing with the WS simply coming out and saying "I'm in love with OP, not you".. Reality seems to hit those WS quicker than the ones who drag it on with self-preservation techniques. I guess it all comes out in the wash. Even those who are expert rationalizers will have it buried somewhere in their subconscious. It is the stuff of sleepless nights.

Rick,<BR>You said you verified that she was with OM? No doubt? Then, since you've already left the message, just ask where she was.<P>If you've got the book SURVIVING THE AFFAIR, review the lovebuster definitions or check them on this site--I don't recall a question being on that list, as long you as aren't confrontational. I know I would be curious as to what my spouse's answer would be in your circumstance. My H gave me some wild stories, where all I could say was "REALLY? Tell me that again." A year later I still shake my head if I think of them (but I don't remind him of his bad behavior).<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Rick:<P>Forgive me for not being more familiar with your story, but if you've "confirmed" that your W was with the OM, then why would you continue to wait and not confront her about it, or worry that by calling her on her lies you'd be "low-blowing" her? It's only a low blow if it's gratuitous re-hashing of something both of you already know and have discussed, I would think. If she's still lying to you, if there's no honesty, you have no cause to feel bad about asking her where she's been. <P>You've stated before that you are "verbally" separated at her request. I'd either make that official, i.e., get her to move out, or simply tell her that you're owed honesty about her whereabouts as long as she's living in the house.<P>Genuinely sorry about your troubles. I know (from the other side) how incredibly painful and difficult this all can be. Best of luck to you.