To make my story simple . my wife is having an emotional (I hop only emotional) affair.<BR>it does costs us many sleeples nights but she seem not to be able to shake it off.<BR>Recently the OM went away for a month or to .. to help as sort things out and it was a beautiful time. We started to put pur life on track again. She did stay in touch with him on the phone.<BR>After last LB I offered her an alternative:<BR>1) she will stop all contacts with him and I will never ask abotu what happened between them or <P>2) she will stay in touch with him but will be completely honest both about the past and in the future.<P>We had a long open talk she said she does not know if she owuld be ablt to stop contacts, that she want to be honest . But since she promissed it many times before I insisted on the honesty abotu past as well. She insisted there is nothing to talk about, till I asked her abotu something I knew - the steamy love card she got from him. Again she refused to tell me the truth. Now that I think abotu it this alternative seem to be a really far going compromise on my side, it seems like a perfect solution , it did leave her in charge with a choice, but still she refused it ......what can I do now ????<BR>I was really hoping the secret things I knew are our last chance to regain trust ( I still do hope thay did not sleep together and I do know it is impossible to prove you have not done something, so I was hoping that by admiting something she though i donl;t knwo about she can regain my trust. It failed.

the alternatives sound reasonable to me. but, we are reasonable thinking people. the WS is not quite as reasonable as us. remember, Dr. Harley equates the other person to a drug addiction. that's a powerful draw. if you issue alternatives like that are you ready to back it up with consequences? Are you doing plan A? If you have not, read SAA. It could sort things our for you and point you in the right direction.<P>cleo

Tomek:<P>How are you doing?<P>It sounds like you are in a really tough spot right now. I hope things look up for you.<P>I don't know if I agree that the alternatives you suggested will work. If you keep reading on this site you'll see that Dr. Harley suggests completely severing all contact with the other person is the only way to move past an incident. In addition, he suggests complete honesty between you and your spouse. I think that if you promise never to ask about what happened there will always be a part of you that wonders what exactly did go on... (and it's the dot-dot-dot that makes it so tough to go on with your marriage)<P>It's really hard to trust the wayward spouse after they do these things, but it can happen if you both work really hard at it.<P>Good luck! --HBC