Hi everyone!<BR>I found my way to this forum a few days ago and realize that alot of you are going through some of the same type of hurt as I am at the moment. My husband of almost 14 years has been acting strangely for a couple of months and finally revealed to me about 5 weeks ago that he was seeing someone on the side. He was feeling awful about the whole thing and said he wished it had never happened, how horrible of a thing this was, and how he could never forgive himself for it. I told him that I was very hurt by this but was willing to forgive if he could commit to me. Well, I guess it's not that easy. He went to stay at the OW place for a week last month, then he came home saying he missed me and wanted to come home. Great, I said. He was only able to stay with me for 2 days before he felt what seems to be this irresistible urge to go see her again. He went to 2 counseling sessions with me. During the first one he did very well, opened up quite a bit and was emotional. During the week following that session he decided, he couldn't stop thinking about the OW and he wanted to separate for the time being which he did. During the next counseling session he told this to me and our counselor. He moved out later that day. Since then, we've been in contact a few times a week. He seems very emotional when we talk (me too). We ususally cry together. The last couple of conversations he said at the end "It was really nice talking with you" and then he broke down crying again. I miss him terribly and I know he is very tormented. The OW is about 10 years younger than him, has 2 children from different fathers whom she was never married to and she lives with her mother (he is staying there too). This does not sound like the husband I know. He was always very loyal to me and constantly told me that he loved me dearly. He was always afraid that he couldn't measure up to my standards for some reason. He has a low self-esteem problem on top of everything. I told him how much I missed him and how much I want him to come home. He says "I don't know if I'll ever come home again. My life is such a mess right now." What is he doing? He sure doesn't seem happy in his new situation. <BR>

Welcome AR:<P>With her mother!! <P>No, nothing about this is easy, but you can get though it. We're here to help you do that if we can. <P>I sense from your post that you are handling this pretty well. A lot better then I did. <BR>That could put you in good stead to do the work that needs to be done to repair your marriage. To be able to see your H as being tormented is a big step...because he is. Tormented, confused and in a daze.<P>What do you do now? It's evident that your H was in withdrawal from OW when he tried to come home. <P>This is typical WS behavior...they will waiver and wobble a lot...but the fact that they waiver or wobble is a plus for you because it means he has conflict. Many WS never do this....they are always sure of what they want. <P>You mention low self esteem...this seems to be a problem with lots of WS...and one reason they are lead into an affair so easily. But its a big clue as to where to begin to rebuilt the marriage as it gives you a good place to start (by building that confidence up). <P>You need to concentrate on yourself right now...the affair has probably taken its toll on you...but this is a good time to step back and give your H and yourself some room. Spend this time reading everything you can find on this site and all the reading material recommented including the books by the Harleys. This will give you a general idea of where to start....probably with a good Plan A.<P>Jim (NSR) will be along with some general welcoming information and references to reading that you need to do before you do anything else. Follow his instructions, do the reading, and then read it again until you're sure you understand it.<P>You can do this...and having read a lot of stories on this site...your's sounds like it has a very favorable chance of being a success.<P>Again, welcome to the roller-coaster ride and hope it's just a short one for you.<P>Buffy & Faye<P> <BR>

Hi AR:<P>How are you tonight? I moving you back to the top to see if you can get some more opinions to give you a better perspective. <P>I don't know what's happened to NSR...we probably depend on him too much and he's in the back room resting his fingers and his brain. <P><BR>Faye (Buffy's taking a capnap...that's the only kind she takes)<P> <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited September 27, 2000).]

Hi AR,<P>Welcome to Hell!!! Don't mean to scare you, and I'm sorry for your dilemma. I can certainly identify with you and although it is fairly early for me to try to help you, I will do my best. I will share with you, that's about all I can do.<P>My H never actually moved in with the OW, but they spent many nights together, she had the perfect setup. Lived alone, children grown and gone, 9-5 working girl, alcoholic husband that she cared absolutely nothing about. Actually, she was living with her H when their A began, so they used motels. Then she moved out on her own, encouraging my H to do the same.<P>H was acting very peculiar too, then he moved out to "find himself" and four weeks later I 'find them' together. I know the devastation that you feel. Nothing worse!!!<P>After d-day, H would come home for a while to visit the children or sometimes spend the night and every time he would, I would think that he would surely come home after he slept in the same bed with me, but no such luck. I went into this 'I am better than she is' mode and tried to prove that to him every time he was near me, I was exhausted.<P>This went on from early July until late September. He told me he wanted to come home b/c we needed him and I agreed. He came home (didn't move his things home)would stay three or four days, see his counselor, not call me afterwards, I would eventually call him and that's when he would drop the bomb that he was still confused and wasn't ready to be home. He did this four or five times, until mid Novmeber, it was maddening. <P>I finally told him he would need to decide b/c I could not live this way, and I was prepared to move on with my life (I really wasn't). He moved his things home and told me she had dumped him and it was over. No, No, it was just beginning... we had to go through his withdrawal from her. This lasted until Feb. I think that was the last time I can document their contact with each other, well, he had a slip up here recently, but we won't get into that. We've been in recovery since, say Feb. 2000. <P>You will need rest, medication if necessary, patience, support system (that would be us), <BR>love in your heart for him, a willingness to forgive and TIME!!!<P>He feels guilty, he feels sad and lonely b/c where he is, is not familiar, he also feels betrayed by you, believe it or not. He is so confused and absolutely doesn't know what to do. He is caught up in this fantasy land and doesn't know how to get out of it. TIME!!! again it will take time, for all of this to come to a head. It is like a sore place, that takes time to heal.<P>Our (mine and H) story is so predictable according to the Harley's theories... I feel like the book was written about us. You sound the same as do so many of us. <P>It will more than likely take about six months for this A to burn out, if not sooner, b/c it doesn't sound like the perfect setup for an A to survive. So, you might just get lucky with this.<P>Please keep us posted, we will help you. They sure have helped me!!!<P>Love to you,<BR>Cathy... Hey Buffy!!!<p>[This message has been edited by Catplay (edited September 27, 2000).]

Thank you for your replies to my first post yesterday! It does help to hear your stories and it is so amazing to me how similar these scenarios are! He has been in contact with me on almost a daily basis now. Yesterday he admitted that things weren't going so well in his life right now and that he missed me and our dogs very much. My mom is currently staying with me so he feels VERY uncomfortable and this may just be a good thing. She will be here for another week-and-a-half. That means, hopefully, that those feelings he has right now will intensify. Of course I'm the forever optimist and could be WAY wrong, but we'll see...<BR>In the meantime, thank you all for your compassion! I know that you know what it's like and I hope that things are going OK for you and your loved ones. One thing I've already learned is to NEVER take anything for granted--especially the love of someone close to you. Have a wonderful day!<BR>AR

Ar-<P>What he is doing is trying to find reasons why he cannot do what his mind wants to do. He is dependent on you to some extent, and that is why it is so painful for the both of you. I think he loves you, and he wants to understand why he is hurting the woman he loves.<P>If he is like any of the WS(wayward spouses)<BR> here, then he's addicted, and can't give it up--even though his heart says he doesn't want it!<P>My H is in love with his OW and he does not know whether he wants to save our marriage for our children's sake, or change his whole life and go to her(across country.) He feels obligation to both sides. He is sitting on the fence and I have to Plan A until I can't any more. His A has been going on for 17 mos. My dday(discovery day) was 7 weeks ago. <P>If you have not read the web site about the basic consepts, etc--then you will know what we are talking about!