<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<BR>.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 20, 2001).]

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I agree with Hanora. Plus, the letter was written months ago before A ended. I don't think you should put too much thought in it.<P>Just keep up with your Plan A. <B>Show</B> her you love her and don't try to educate her. Time and patience, my friend.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

I would find out if she is still communicating with him.... If so, give yourself 6 months of plan A and then separate and go to plan B. Keep in mind this is just my opinion based on my situation. I stayed around attempting plan A for 3 years... all it did was wear out my welcome even more. You are competing with something that is not real (no matter what your wife says). If they are still in contact, there is nothing you can do to make your side look better. By giving her the 6 months and then making a move you show strength and you also can save your self image.<BR>Again just my opinion....

OffOnOnOff,<P>You know I read this post and started to think about this. The thoughts that came to my mind probably weren't too productive. Do you have a counselor? If so show him/her the letter and see what they suggest you do or don't do.<P>I will give you my impressions and thoughts, but please don't act on them. I guess I would show her the letter and ask if it is still valid thinking on her part. If she says yes, she feels it is, then I would explain to her that there will no peace for you as long as she feels this way.<P>Yes, you have forgiven her, but you haven't forgotten the pain and you still feel the pain. Now, she can help or she can run, but she cannot stay in neutral. She is doing the martyr thing. "I know I am wrong, so as punishment I will stay for the kids and tolerate him. I am sure he will find someone better suited for him." This thinking is common apparently from what everyone has posted. <P>My thinking would be, she either decides to work on the marriage, at least try, or perhaps it is time to go to Plan B. I would talk at length with her. I know she is confused, but I don't feel you should settle for a "firm handshake" and an "atta boy" for being a good father, and then get dumped in a few years when the kids are gone. This isn't a marriage and the kids will know it if they don't already. Further, if they think this type of arrangement is a marriage, then you have done them a great disservice.<P>As you can see I have no concrete advice for you OOOO, and maybe I am venting frustration at your situation, but it seems to me if that letter represents the status quo, then something needs to change. Show her the letter, and use the honest policy to see what she is thinking now.<P>Hope something I have said in this rambling will help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

As usual, I think JL has spoken my thoughts...<P>I don't know if you should actually show her the letter or whether this is the right TIME for this talk, but at some point you will want to know if she is willing to really try...<P>I bet this is not what you want out of marriage! It's funny, they all justify it thinking we would be better off without them. Well, I wouldn't! And I told him, I not only loved him, I wanted a great marriage with him and believed we could have it if we applied the Harley principles!

Hi,<P>I had to reread the letter to try to understand the complicated thought patterns. No, confused thoughts would be more like it.<P>There is justification for her wayward actions, some guilt for her actions, some pushing the OM away, recognition for her responsibility, shame at giving in to OM, aspirations for another life without the guilt, insincere gallant wish for BS's happiness, etc..<P>I think she needs help to really focus her future. I also think she has tried to convince herself that you are not her type. Perhaps that may stem from her feelings of inadequacy about the defiled marriage and she being the cause of it. She also recognised that you have forgiven her but at the same time, she wants to be the one who also has a conscience when she said that she felt dirty.<P>Her cavalier attitude could be her way of dealing with the situation of being found out and still having to face her responsibilities. Her way of dealing and her way of claiming some hope for her future (the children is her greatest hope).<P>I think you also need to show a vast improvement in spirit and 'gungho' attitude in taking charge of the situation. When she falls in love with you over again, she may rethink her 'gallant' view of hoping you meet someone. On reflection, she may be afraid that one day you will, and she wants to console herself that she doesn't really care. <P>I interpreting and reading between the lines and using my intuition, so what I have written is gleened from this small portion of the bigger picture that you have. I hope you both get help.<P>God speed to you.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Dear O.O.O.O.,<P>How did you find it in yourself to forgive and love again? I am so jealous I cannot love my WS again. I have chosen to forgive because I need to let go. I still haven't completely forgiven yet. <P>Regards<BR>weep

OOOO,<P>So, what do you answer her when she asks why you love her and how you can forgive?<P>And can you keep from having blowouts?? No matter how much she provokes you, it takes two to engage in a "blowout".<P>I think the answer matters a lot. Have you told her clearly that you NEED her? That you wouldn't be happy just moving one? Have you read SAA?<P>We started counselling with Jennifer Harley and believed there was a good chance that we could have the love feelings. If you or she don't believe there is even a chance, it's hard to make the difficult changes...<P>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>