I think this is mostly just venting but here goes...<BR>It has been 1 month now that my W has told me she is not sure about us anymore, 3 days after we had just received the keys for our new home. She says that she doesn't want to leave but doesn't want to stay. She does everything she can not to come to the house. She will usually come home after 11 or 12 @ night (about 3 am on the weeknds), and is usually out of the house by 7 or 8 am. I do not believe there is something going on with another man, as I know who she is with (girlfriends). She has told me how she has never really been on her own and she needs to find herself. I want to wait and hope for the best outcome, but this is driving me crazy. I told her that I could give her all the time in the world to figure out want she wants. The big problem I have now is it is totally messing with my mind. I can barely eat or sleep. I'm currently in school with a 4.0 avg and that is going down hill fast, as work is also. I started going to therapy too. I'm just not sure how to handle this anymore without putting too much pressure on her to freak her out and have her run away.<BR>The new house also really makes it difficult for me just to 'move out' as every penny we have between us went into it as every penny we make goes back to it. I'm just not sure how to handle this anymore... <P>Thanks for reading....

Welcome <B>haunting_past</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It is mostly "infidelity" based...<BR>...but can be an aid to all marriages!<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Whatever the real problem is...<BR>...start with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...do check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> for some of the mechanics!<P>It represents the first 2 rules of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>!<P>Don't give up right away!<BR>A good marriage is hard work...<BR>...but you get so much more back!<P> <P>Jim

Dear HP,<P>Welcome to MB. You've come to a good place to get support and advice. You don't mention too much of what may have been going on before her revelation. How long have you been married? How old are the two of you? What is her history that she feels she hasn't had time for herself? Was it all of a sudden, or has there been some tension building?<P>Like Jim says, start with Plan A. Go through all the Basic Concepts and read as much as you can on this site. There's a lot to learn. Then start posting -- and reading and responding to posts. <P>I hope that you will find the answers you are seeking and can make your new home a happy one. We'll be here for you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

jim: thanks for the informative info. I am now in plan A, trying to bite my tounge every few minutes I will continue for the next 6 months and see what happens...<P>kristyann: thank you too. to answer some of your questions... married 2 1/2 years, together for almost 5. I'm 32, she is 27. She mentioned to me how she has always been in a relationship and has never really been on her own, and now that she just finished her BS degree, she started thinking about how she never has had her own place etc... She says the tension has been there the whole time we have known each other, but I never felt it and it was slammed on me over night.<BR>This morning she woke up really upset and for the first time she came at me in anger. Because of our new home, she has kind of pushed me off to another part of the house so she doesn't really see me (of course she never really spends time there anyway). She did come to me about 10 min later and said she was sorry, but I do not even see the interest in her eyes anymore... I did my best not to love bust. I'm now waiting for her to make an appt with a professional, but there is always a new excuse everyday why she hasn't even called... no money, no time, i think i need new clothes... it makes me feel like she is just trying to slowly break away so when the final bad news comes it will not be so hard. I even mentioned this to her and she said I was crazy... go figure

I'll tell you a bit about my situation, because it started out very similar. Unfortunately, it hasn't gotten any better.<P>My wife all of a sudden announced at the start of June that she was not happy and needed to be on her own to sort things out, and said we are now "separated". I wanted to go to counselling, but she said it was too late. I was shocked, and couldn't eat, sleep, etc. We have 2 kids. She was out all the time, not spending much time with the kids, and not doing any housework. Same still happening. As I've now read on this site, usually when one wants to separate, it is because they either have someone or have a potential someone. I'm not saying that this is the case with you, but it is something you should be aware of. In my case, I was sure that my wife wouldn't be with someone else, because her morals were top notch. Unfortunately, I discovered that she did in fact have someone, and I think it was starting at the time she wanted to separate.<P>More importantly, you should look at what might have been wrong in your marriage (ie. not enough EN) to cause her to start thinking that she is unhappy, because there are usually reasons. Use Plan A to improve it. Get the book His Needs/Her Needs from this site. I know in my case we started growing apart with all the busy aspects of life, but let it slide. I just never suspected what transpired. My wife plans on moving out in 5 weeks. She still won't admit she has another man, but I have lots of proof.<P>Just a couple of other tidbits. My wife said things like "I need to experience being young again", needed to have some space, needed to be free to go out, etc. She was always with "friends" and I believed it, because it was somewhat true at the start. But eventually, I discovered that she had a few scapegoat friends that she always said she was with, but they hadn't seen her in awhile. You can imagine the rest, because she was always out till 1, 2, 3, 4 AM.<P>I really hope that your situation is not the same, and I hate to make you any more fearful, but just beware. I was kind of naive. Plan A as much as you can while you have her with you. It sounds like you are in a better position than I was. It is very hard, and it drives you crazy, but you have to just be the best you can be. I have a very hard time with it myself, but I try.<P>Take care.