I type this with not a sense of joy, but at lease I have a sense of relief.<P>No, no big revelations about my marriage here...H did not ask for divorce.<P>But, we did have lunch today and I think I finally "got it".<P>You guys have tried to teach me, but some things you just have to learn by yourself.<P>My husband did not DO this to ME.<P>He did not CHOOSE to leave.<P>He had to, he had no choice. <P>He really is not doing anything to me. I have been choosing to be a victim. I was sooo off base trying to fix him. I wish I could tell you how strongly I feel about all of this.<P>He is doing this FOR him, not to me.<P>You know what this realization does...it makes me ok again. It takes the blame from him and from me. This is an event...it's happening. I did not cause it, nor did he. The infidelity is a horrible symptom. It is wrong, and they damn well know it every step of the way, but you and I can not control what they do. It's simply their journey.<P>It was just such a relief to realize that since I'm not to blame, I can not do anything to fix the problem. Yep, I can continue to work on being a better person...cuz that's my choice. If he takes another path, well, that's his choice.<P>I feel absolved in a way. We are really not one person with our spouses, maybe some couples feel that way...and I envy them, but my H and I are two seperate people...and I need to let go and let him have the time and freedom to figure out HIS own path.<P>Just trying to learn...and accept.<P>allison

You got it Allison!!<P>congratulations!!<P>I think we all have to let go of our expectations of life and the people that are in it. It is a very "awakening" revelation.<P>I know for me, most likely due to past unresolved "issues", I have clung to my expectations of my H..and probably my H.<P>The real turning point is when you can see that this is not only about him, but about you. And you really only have 2 choices.<P>To get sucked into it... Or to go on and try to be the best person you can be.. no matter what.<P>I think when you can get to that point, that is where the healing begins. But it takes vigilance. <P>You are doing a great job!!!

Allison,<P>I think to come to this realization, the BS needs to be at a certain level of strength and tolerance before they can make that realization.<P>H told me from the beginning that it's about him, that I have done nothing wrong! The EN thing didn't make sense to him because he felt I was wonderful in all areas. He just wished he could give me what I deserved and he felt that way for some time before affair. The disappointment for me, is the way he decided to handle his feelings. He didn't share his fears and concerns about this with me. He thought by going to another woman, he would be "in love" again, but it didn't turn out that way.<P>To him, it didn't matter if we talked more, did more together, did different things together, changed behavior, etc., but it was a feeling of not being able to feel "in love" for some reason (MLC?). He's not in love with the the person he betrayed me with, but he also can't say that he's completely in love with me either. <P>We are both in therapy together; it's still a mystery to him. Therapist believes it is rooted in childhood trauma. He did have a rough childhood, maybe it's manifesting itself now in our relationship?<P>Anyway, I'm happy for you! MT

Az,<P>YES! You got it, hon.<P>I was one who thought of us as one person. Not healthy. I can't control my h either. And yes, when I realized this, it made me feel very free.<P>MT, he probably doesn't have to dig back that far! I read a while back where Suse said it is mostly a crisis of confidence that the WS have. I discussed it with my h, and it was true!<P>He was seeking the in-love feelings to boost his self-esteem, his manhood. He did not find it with OW1, so while I still knew nothing (he was very discreet), he tried again a few months later. This time he found the love feelings!<P>Just made withdrawal and our recovery that much harder.<P>He and I are both working on self-esteem. Jack Canfield has a great tape series! The OW made him feel good about himself. Then, he had to deal with the guilt and forgive himself.

Allison:<P>You and I are arriving at the same place, I think, only I could not have expressed it with the same eloquence that you did.<P>Life is a strange path; I firmly believe that there is Someone up there mapping things out for us, putting the obstacles in our way that will teach us what we will know--what my spouse needs to learn is something all together different than from where I am at, and I can't fight his battles for him. They are his own.<P>Fighting battles is not a bad thing; in the end, no matter how you come out, you will win in knowledge.<P>

Dear Allison,<P>I am glad to hear that you have come to accept that no matter what we try, we cannot erase the horrible A from our history. I think that is the sad part - the history of the marriage holds so much for many of us.<P>It is true that our spouse is a different entity altogether - we have different DNA, upbringing, character, etc. - but we have, through the years bonded and built trust, respect and shared interests. So it is little wonder that we think we are so in sync that because we are honourable and trustworthy ourselves, the other half will live that way, too. Well, life throws us horrific curves, and we awake startled to find our spouses caught up in a double life!<P>I think it is either their ego, lack of character, lack of protection, or some mysterious characteristic even unknown to themselves, that got in the way of an otherwise worthy marriage.<P>We struggle to put our shattered self identities back, and for those whose lives were burnt to ashes, we need to reinvent ourselves, and be reborn as a phoenix from the death of the heart.<P>I wish you God speed in your new life.<P>God Loves and Bless You<BR>Take care<BR>weep

Allison-<BR>You sound so much better! I know and understand what you are saying intellectually, and know that I should feel this way, but I'm just not there yet. Maybe sometime soon.

I just wanted to say, I agree with the crisis of confidence thing. Yes, a very MLifey type of situation. In my H's case, he has had quite a few crises at work. I know it caused some self esteem issues.<P>It is truly a war within themselves. And my H has also said, this is not about me... or ow. I believe him.. It was just that I felt very insulted that ow thinks this is about me and her. She thinks I am the root of his problems and she is the answer. And she took it upon herself to explain it to everyone!!!! that way. But, she doesn't mean anything to me. She is her own problem!!!!!!

Thank you my friends for your replies. <P>We are all at different places on this trip...and while I feel relief, I also feel profound sadness. Yep, it's hard to accept that I cannot fix what I did not break. <P>What's that quote...insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.<P>I hope I can do what I want to, to truly learn to let go and let him find his way. I have to fight myself constantly where it comes to contact...but I'm always proud of myself when I win my own little battles.<P>Yes, it's selfish of them to do this. Especially where kids are involved. It's all I can do to hold them together...but the thing is...my husband has been so busy worrying about me and the kids that he has had no time to get his own life in order. I am trying hard now to give him that.<P>I got in my car on Sunday, bags packed, to leave the kids and drive to another state to go to my mom. I left a note saying goodbye. I drove for an hour before I turned around...don't know why I turned around, but I knew I couldn't let those kids walk into that house and find a note from their mother saying goodbye.<P>Someone compared a family to a bird with wings spread. When one wing collapses, the children must gather under the other one for protection. I thought about that while in my car leaving home...I am their only wing right now. I have no choice but to be strong and worthy of them.<P>I admire each and every one of you on these boards for coming here and talking about your own stories. They are so similar that it's scary. We are a bunch of people scattered across the country...world, but we have found each other, and you have helped me immensely. I think I would have gone off the deep end by now if it wasn't for the help I've found here.<P>...to the future...whatever it may hold.<P>allison

Az,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He did not CHOOSE to leave.<P>He had to, he had no choice. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This was the only part where I do not agree.<P>We always CHOOSE. He may not feel like he has the ability choose differently, but we always CHOOSE.<P>Again, it is his life, and you sound like you are doing very well. Take care of those kids!<P>

Brava Allison.<P>I am just starting to Feel it as well as know it. I have known,in my mind, but it was hard for me to feel the peace that comes with this realization. My H and I have talked for the last two nites, a first since dday, I guess my blow up Sunday helped in some strange way. I went to bed last nite at peace. He is also realizing that he has some issues to work out with the therapist, and we are just discovering what feelings have been hiding between us.(mostly his) There is a lot more, but it is a very wonderful start.<P>He simply does not understand where I am getting my strength from--I told him. I love him and MB, of course! I told him he should look it up. He is not ready for that.<P>I'll be callin' ya--<BR>Beth

Welcome to the real world! I only had that realization a couple of weeks ago (when she filed), but I feel like I've come light-years since then. I hope it goes the same way for you! <P>My therapist said something interesting today. He said "this divorce really has nothing to do with YOU."<P>It's so true in my case, and may be true in yours. Our WS's have to arrive at that place on their own terms. <P>I'm glad you've started on a new phase of your journey!

Me too CJack.<P>I just wish it didn't hurt this much.<P>allison

Hi allison<P>Its great to hear about you.<P>I have came to the same realisation recently and have grown spritally from there. My priorities have changed and am setting my goals for my future. We started and came through this at about the same time. I still lurk ocassionly and its great to hear that you are ok, keep it up. <P>I now feel that I have regained my sense of humor back and am laughing at what has happened in the past six months with no regrets.<P>My path has been mapped and where it goes I still dont know but its great!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Bye for now<BR>Tim