Its been 2 months since d-day - initially we were going to seperate (I was to move out), I dragged my feet - The fog lifted a couple of times - he told me he always loved me and did not want to loose me - but all along he is still seeing her. He tells me that he tried to break up twice and twice he went back to her - he leaves me messages on our machine that he will not be home and not to cook him supper - He spends on average 5 nights at home and 2 nights there - we have had several conversations - he does not know why he keeps going back - he inititally thought of moving in with her but said he would miss me too much and therefore doesnt want to do that - he says he gets sick of her when he spends too much time with her - she has two small children that he is absolutely in love with - just this morning again he said that he hates hurting me and see me cry - that he loves me - but still can t help himself - I am still on plan A - but I am so tempted to give him an ultimatum - her or I- Plan B is supposed to come into effect in Feb. but I dont know if I can hold out - How can a man who supposedly loves me and misses me still keep going back to the OW and hurt me?????? Is there any hope that this situation will end?

Dear Mumu,<P>I am not a Plan A expert, but I think the WS has to stop seeing OW altogether to work on the marriage. Now he is having his cake and eating it, too. How dare he says that the children is giving him the scare .<P>Have you considered seeing a counsellor? <P>You should not just put up with this wife and mistress thing. Your parents didn't bring you up to be a doormat and lay down your life for a two-timing man. If he doesn't want to stop seeing OW, you need to let him choose to stay there.<P>Basically, real life is when your WS realise that PLan B is horrible because he is forced to see OW for what she is 24/7. Now he already knows that he doesn't want to live real life with her and says so, what is to prevent him from doing the same to you with OW#2, #3,...? Ask him to make a commitment to the marriage. <P>Get help from church, family, and other trustworthy sources.<P>I feel very sorry for your predicament. The others on this MB board will give you advice from first hand experience. I give it from the point that I see no good in mollycoddling a person who is having the last laugh and is telling you he is.<P>Take care<BR>weep

mumu...<P>2 months is not a lot of time...<BR>...but for some it may be too much!<P>Do get the help/support that <B>weep</B> is suggesting!... and preferrable MB-type of counseling! Just going to counseling sends the message to your H that this is <B>serious</B>!<P>It sounds like you still have a lot of love left... (or at least a decent amount)... stick to Plan A... <B>PTC</B>...<P>When your time approaches...<BR>...draft your Plan B letter and sit on it for a while...<P>Check out my posts...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P> <P>Jim

I may be off, but look at the post "Eureka."<P>This is how you shoud feel. Your h cannot help himself, true, it is the addiction. But his honesty id a blessing in diguise. You are not being a doormat if you come to the realization in "Eureka."<P>Okay I am not being clear. I will tell you what is going on with me, and you will see where am coming from.<P>My H just resumed his PA and lied right in my face about it. Well I found out about it on accident 2 days after he returned. I was never so angry. I woke him out of a sound sleep to have it out with him. <P>Since then, magically, we are talking for the first time since dday(7 weeks ago.) He has started to work on himself and find his center, which is very important. I realize now that we are discovering the depth of our miscommunication, and the pain we caused each other. Yes the A is just a symptom of a sick marriage. <P>I am realizing that I need to let my H go(let go of the reins) of working on our marriage. He is very confused and doing the best he can right now. He is the only one that can end the A, not me. He is the only one that can WANT to work on the marriage and if he wants it, he will. If I force him to stay,out of responsibility to me or the kids, I am forcing him and he will never be free to be happy. Thus,he will never make me happy. <P>I absolutely require truth from him. I will not take anything less. I can exorcise pain from the truth, but the blow of a lie does great damage in my repect and trust of him. And we all know how much is left--not much! The more ill feelings I have a chance to deal with, the more patience, and love, and support I can offer to our Plan A. He now sees the value of the truth, and is now willing to tell me if he is planning a "personal" weekend. It hurts, yes, but i can work through it. I do not feel like a doormat anymore now that I have accepted the fact that I can do nothing to help him in his decisions. They are all up to him. <P>I leave it in his and God's hands.<P>In the mean time I work on finding myself, my interests, and promoting my inner strength. This also helps me live happier, because I value how I feel about myself, and am striving not to let others influence how I feel about myself anymore. This is a big step. I may find that illusive self esteem.