I've been struggling with something recently, and I thought that some of the other WSs on the board might have a thought or two about it.<BR>Thinking about the OW. Not in a romantic, want-to-get-back-together sort of way. That part of it ended when the A (which was physical just once, but emotional for longer) ended a few months ago. Just thinking about her. Imagining conversations with her -- conversations in which I explain why we can't see or talk to each other any more (which I never really did face to face, just sent a letter), but conversations nonetheless. Occasionally, I'll admit, thinking about that one-time sex.<P>I'm not sure what this is about. I was ashamed and horrified by what I'd done, and genuinely love my wife; since the A ended, I haven't contacted the OW, don't plan to. Am I subconsciously desiring absolution from the OW for what I've done? Have any of you felt this way even after you firmly decided to recommit to your wife? Is there anything I can do to stop?<P>Further, my W made clear that if I was so much as even THINKING about the OW, wondering how she was doing, etc., that it would be over between us. Do I pursue the totally honest course and tell her about these thoughts, even though she might leave me over it?<P>Any thoughts anyone could offer would be appreciated. Thanks.<P>

OK...I am a betrayed spouse, but I believe my H had an affair much like yours. We are almost two years into recovery.<P>My H did keep up phone contact for about two months after the affair ended. He says it had not yet become sexual, and since he only knew her a month and was ending the affair himself at the time I discovered it, I finally believe this is true. Although I certainly do not recommend continued secret contact of any kind, I do think that the whole thing pretty much played itself out and my H ended up not even liking her.<P>Instead of just thinking about conversations, he actually had them, but it was all part of letting go. I also think he felt guilt he "hurt" her.<P>I do not think he has had any contact with her in over 19 months. I think the affair crosses his mind (he says once a week or so), but only as remorse and almost disbelief he did what he did.<P>I think your mind is trying to process this whole mess...but be careful. Don't let your mind go to any "danger" zones.<P>And try to dispense of the idea that this women, this siren in your life that contributed in the betrayal of your marriage, deserves any treatment other than the silent treatment.<P>She may be a lovely person (I tend to doubt that, my H's OP was a brazen hussy that repeatedly went for married men) but in the context of your marriage she is vile. What transpired between you was ugly, no matter how attractively it was packaged. Leave it alone.<P>When those conversations jump in your head, finish them by telling OW that you love your wife and NOTHING is more important than your commitment to your marriage and leaves NO room for her or her problems.<P>Sounds cruel, even though you may have caused those problems, it is not your place to own those problems. There is simply no room in your marriage for it.<P>