I not only am dealing with infidelity but also alcohol abuse. It seems just as I get myself on somewhat of an even keel he rocks me off again. He goes out drinking and a lot of nights comes home and tells me how he cares about me and please don't hate him, that he doesn't hate me. What the heck does that mean. Don't hate him for having an affair, don't hate him for being an alcoholic and he cares wow what a way to show it.<P>Why does he keep doing this to me? This past weekend I met up with the OW and she says that it is over and I can have him. But I am not so sure that wasn't just a coverup. The phone here at home rang 13 times today and no body left a message or answered the few times my H picked it up. I was home from work so maybe it was her calling. Funny that as soon as my H left to go to town and she goes to work right around that time that the calls stopped. <P>I guess I am wore out, tired, fed up etc. Maybe I haven't done the plan A thing very well but I did try and nothing seemed to work. If I was nice he still did his thing and if I wasn't so nice he still did the same things. <P>My counselor is very worried about me and the effect of the constant mental abuse on me for the past year. With him being in the same house and sometimes being nice and then leaving for days at a time it is taking a toll on me. Legally, I can't move along until he does his part of the paperwork. And he hasn't done that even though the judge ordered him to. If he doesn't care anymore or love me anymore like he says then why not just get on with the divorce and then he can be with the OW or whoever else will drink their life away with him.<P>I am just feeling very low today and the man I married just seems to not exist anymore. Another human being has taken over his body and I truly don't like this new person. He says he cares but if he did care really care he would stop what he is doing and either try to reconcile our marriage or make a clean break before being with the OW.

I don't know if this will help at all, but I think something az allison said makes sense here. He's not doing it TO you. He's doing it. Period. You are the unfortunate recipient of the negative effects of his actions. But he's not TRYING to hurt you. He can do that without trying. His addiciton to alcohol is clouding his judgment about everything in his life and his addiction to the OW just makes it worse. <P>You don't have to wait for him to do his part before you take action. It may be true that the divorce can't proceed, but that is not the only action you can take. You can examine YOUR life and decide how YOU want to live it. Then take action to live YOUR life the way YOU want to, in a way that doesn't depend on HIS actions. He will get help for the alcoholism if and when he decides that it's what he wants. You can't make him want to. but you do have control over what YOU do. So stop sitting by and waiting for him to do something you have no control over and start taking charge of your own life. You will feel so much better when you stop thinking about him and start thinking about you. <P>Take care of yourself.

bc,<P>How are you feeling today?

BC, I think he's asking you not to hate him, because he really hates himself. Deep inside he knows you are his "rock", his "self-esteem", his "oasis".<P>I think based on him saying that, I would believe the OW. <P>It is so frustrating. I'm not dealing with alcohol, but with workaholism and the affair. Unfortunately they have to figure it out themselves. Some of them do before they hit rock bottom, and others do not.<P>Perhaps you can tell him that you don't hate him, but that you can't help him. He has to do that himself. Ask him if there is something you can do to "assist" him, but set your boundaries for yourself.

I asked him if he realized what he was saying the next day and he said yes. He keeps saying he doesn't hate me and doesn't want me to hate him but he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. Well duh the OW has been in the picture for the last year so how could he feel the same. I have told him that I only wanted to work on our marriage but he hasn't given us a chance.<P>It seems that maybe he says this to me because he goes out and gets drunk and then feels bad. Maybe he even goes to see the ow after he drank. I am not sure. She sounded pretty upset with him but it all could have just been a ploy or plan that they devised. <P>I just feel so alone right now. He stays in the house and sometimes is actually caring but not in a romantic husband wife way just like roommates. I hate that.<P>I have also asked him about what the OW said and he denies a lot of it. So I am lost again.