Hello,<BR><p>[This message has been edited by tessa (edited November 17, 2000).]

Tessa,<P>First of all sorry for what you are going through! It's a horrible nightmare for us all.<P>How did I feel when I first learned of A? Distraught, devastated, disbelief, every part of me hurt and ached, most of all my heart was heavy, it still is. What you are feeling and thinking is pretty much what all of us here who've been betrayed have gone through and felt.<P>A senior member from this site will come along to help with things to read, etc. If you've already done them, read them again, and again, if you need to. You'll have to ask yourself what this marriage means to you, what your H means to you, what your family means to you in order to determine what you want to work on if you want to work on anything.<P>This place is to help save our marriages if that's what we want. If not, then for us to be the best individual we can be during this ordeal. To learn to build a better relationship. And most importantly to be of support to each other.<P>There's no denying that after something like this, a little bit of what we held special is ruined and is destroyed. But, it can be put together and it can be stronger and better than what you had before, if that's what you both want to work on. It's not easy, it'll be difficult so be ready to work, and work hard!<P>If he's open to it, do the EN survey together as a start. I'm not very far along in my journey, so not much more to offer except you'll find strength you never knew you had!<P>Take care, MT<P>------------------<BR>True love cannot be found where it doesn't truly exist, <BR>nor can it be hidden where it truly is.

Tessa<P>When I found out 7 wks ago, I went through a period of shock.I moved into the back bedroom that nite. I cried 18 hrs a day for a week. The second week only 1/2 as much. But the mental pictures and the feeling that I did not deserve this treatment was very strong. <P>I talked to my closest friends I could confide, found a therapist for us, I found this site, and shared and read the books and formulated my plan to renew love in my marriage. I realized that it had to be new, nither my H nor I liked the old one! We both need to be right in there. An A is only a symptom of a sick marriage. I had to look at what we had been doing, as he is doing.<P>My h is still in love with the OW, and I have made some pretty painful discoveries(evidence of its true length) and this past weekend told his first outright lie to me. His A is long distance so he had her meet him on a busin. trip he was on last week. This renewed his PA, though the EA never stopped. I guess I thought that since I knew, he wouldn't dare! His excuse was "I am in love." , with a shrug. He feels bad, but cannot deny his feelings. They are the only ones he is sure of right now. He does not know what to do with the guilt, the sadness, seeing my pain, thinking of our children's possible future, knowing the ow will "love him forever." He feels obligated to both sides of his life. And you know what? He should only be true to himself. He doesn't realize it. He doesn't know where his center is. He needs to forgive himself for his failings, this is hard. <P>But since then and with a lot of soul serching and talking to god, as I walk and do other things strictly for myself and my self esteem, I realized no matter what I do, I cannot make this A end. My H must do it. My H has to want to work on marr, I can't force him. I finally understood this and I stepped back and released the burden. He has not left and has started some soul searching of his own. In the last two nites we have had our first real discussions since dday(discovery.) I have tried to be consistant and reassuring and strong. I have told him constantly that I love him and that my hopes for a brand new marr, better that ever. I got mad now and then, but to him and to myself I always directed love and understanding to him. I am feeling at peace for now.<P>I hope you can find it too.<P>Sequence: shock, sadness, anger then the peace can come. But all must be exorcized, each and every thing. Only then is there room in your heart for love to grow and forgiveness.<BR>

burned spouse,<BR><p>[This message has been edited by tessa (edited November 17, 2000).]

burnedspouse,<P>I have followed some of your posts before. You sound very good! You are so right, it is about him...<P>Because he has allowed another woman to deposit in his love bank, he feels a connection and an obligation TO HER. This was so tough for me for months...<P>tessa - So much is said of plan A, but I think first we need to focus on loving ourselves and healing, and for me it was spending time with him, going back for more when it seemed there was nothing but pain there...<P>As to whether you want the marriage, it's ok to put off that decision, don't pressure yourself to recommit to something that is so painful...<P>Most of what I did in plan A, I would have done anyway, it wasn't to "win" him back. I started dressing better, wearing make-up more (have gone back on that one again), for us sex was great!??<P>I think that helped because though the deep connection was missing, we both sensed a yearning for each other that we didn't feel out of bed. Weird, huh?

schizzo,<BR><p>[This message has been edited by tessa (edited November 17, 2000).]

I wasn't happy before the affair either. I felt trapped by his criticism (much worse during the two years he was cheating), his neglect.<P>I honestly looked back and realized he had NEVER filled my love-bank, never done a good job meeting my needs, and yet I have been totally faithful.<P>The good news is that people can change, and I would rather have a great marriage with him than anyone else...

I admit there hasn't been so much venting here as before but be assured we all go thru this, it just seems that most of us have moved in the same stage beyond venting so much and focused on other things...<P>It'll take time. <P>Oct. 3rd (haha, exactly 6 months after D-day) I have an appt. with Steve Harley by phone. I'm still trying to work thru my resentment. For you it must be doubly hard since he's not meeting any of your needs. My H is trying real hard but I'm a hard case - Interpretation: too proud/stubborn/hardheaded/independant.<P>It's hard to save a marriage when you have no reserves to fall back on for strength. Look to what positive actions can make you stronger and run with it. Church, friends, exercise, counseling with a minister, counselor, seeing a doctor for depression if you think that's a factor, posting here and studying/reading all you can about surviving and affair and healing your marriage, etc. <P>Good luck, Hon.<P>L <BR><P>------------------<BR><I>No rain, no rainbows</I>

Leilana,<BR><p>[This message has been edited by tessa (edited November 17, 2000).]