I have been feeling very ....empty the last 5 days....Have not spoken to my H very much and am beginning to think I am in the 3rd stage of marriage..Withdrawl<BR>I have quite trying...almost like giving up...I use to think he is missing out on this or that...he can't enjoy this or that....but now since he has been back in the area for 4 months now...and he does have the opportunity to do these things...( and he doesn't) I know that this is really his choice and I guess he must not be missing what I thought he would miss or he would spend more time doing those things....<BR>I did try to meet his needs when he first returned to town..but finally when he refused to meet mine I just gave up....<BR>He says he is not talking to OW but I don't believe him...other wise I think he would be aggreable to give me his cell phone bill etc..but instead he replys with " That is why I can't move back in because you don't trust me and when will the asking ever end?"<BR>I guess what I am asking is there anyone out there that has reached the withdrawl stage and been able to go back into the Conflict stage and then return to the Intimacy stage?<BR>He keep ssaying until he finds a job he has nothing to offer the famuly or me....Yet I don't think he really is trying hard to find one...Just existing day by day...meanwile...I am financially broke and will have to move on with my life with the conclusion that he is not going to support us fnancially and it is up to me to try and see if I can get rettained to return back to work to support our son and myself..( I am on disability) but will look into being retrained to do something different...if my health can tolerate it...<BR>I guess that is why I feel like I am in the state of withdrawl...I can't depend on him to do the right thing and now I guess I am ready to move on....The Divorce is still on hold since he will not take it off of hold and I HAVE TOLD HIM I WILL NOT DO IT!!!because I never wanted the divorce in the first place....so now I just wait alone...without hope of his return...<BR>By the way I have mentioned the POJA and he is not interested...because he keeps saying I don't know what's missing in my life and I can't come back until I do....<BR>any suggestion? ( I was praying it was me....but I guess it isn't)...<BR>Tyra

I'm not really good at all these terms and things, but as I read your post I was wondering if you did the plan B thing? I know you said you were not trying anymore to meet his needs, but I think the plan B is more severe than that. Good luck with retraining and finding a job, I hope your health is stable at least.<BR>Elizabeth

Instead of being in a state of withdrawl, it sounds to me that your body has raised it's own defense mechanism. The human body can only deal with emotions for so long before it quits. Don't worry, whether you want them to or not, they will come back. It's not a matter of caring or not caring, it's a matter of keeping your sanity before you have a breakdown.<P>As for your other comments, about the cell phone, why do you need to see the bill? Whether he lives with you or not, you have no right to look at it. In asking, you are telling him that you don't trust him, i.e. don't love and care about him, or at least that's his perception.<P>It also almost sounds like you are genuinely depressed, and not only about the marriage. You need to be strong and confident in life, you are a very valuable person with alot to offer. You need to convince yourself of this daily. If he sees you as an emotional, needy wreck, why would he want to be around you? As long as he feels that you need him, he won't make any decisions. When he realizes that you can live your life without him, he will start to evaluate his situation and whether or not he needs you.<BR>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Still praying<BR>The reason I want to see his cell phone bill is because he has told me that he is no longer in contact with OW..but I know for a fact that he has been...Each time he tells me he is not talking to her anymore and I find out otherwise...That is why I want to see the bill..If he is not communicating with her...the bill will show it...and then I can believe him...<BR>As for being depressed....Yes I was for many months...but don't think I am at this point....I know I need to go on with my life...We are in sort of a plan B right now...I have had very little contact with him...but I need to find out what he is doing before I make some decisions that will affect our sons life...Like for one moving closer to family if I can no longer afford this house I'm in...His life has been disrupted for almost 2 years and well I think it's time for US myself and son to move on...<BR>I am a strong person...and have tried to plan A for a very long time...but now I am just tired and am ready to give up ...<BR>I want to be happy again and enjoy the life I still have with my family and friends....<BR>His life is so out of control and I no longer want to be a part of it...Even though I still love him...the man he was...not the one he is now...<BR>Thanks for your help...I do appreciate your insight...<BR>Tyra

Tyra,<BR>I'm going to answer a question from your first post on this thread.<P>I have gone from withdrawal back to intimacy and so has my husband. <P>It can happen.<P>Not easily.<P>When I went into withdrawal, I also felt a loss of love for my H, a loss of interest in where he was or what he was doing. I served divorce papers--he'd chosen to move out again, I felt after nearly 2 years there was little point in my trying anymore, I just wanted a life.<P>I can't say that I did Plan B, although that would have been a better choice. We still had interaction, mainly centered around kids' activities, but I treated him more like we were already divorced. Which was advice my counselor had given me months before.<P>During that time, my husband hit bottom...and discovered he did want me & the kids in his life. I didn't believe or trust him, or really want to give him another chance. If you want to see what a H sounds like when he's finally ready to come back, do a search on the screen name Guard from February.<P>After a couple months where he was doing Plan A to me, I did give him another chance Apr-May, when he moved home, but kept his own house available. We had some faltering times through July, as we both put our wounded hearts on the line, but we truly are BOTH working on the marriage and feel it is the best thing we've done in a long time.<P>You can't make your H have this ephiphany, all you can do is safeguard what remains of your love for him while he stumbles through the tatters of his life. I did Plan A for 18 months until I hit withdrawal with the last separations, I think my H thought I'd be there whenever he finally got himself together, my actions of withdrawal (unplanned by me) told him that time was fast dwindling.<P>I can truly say I'm in love with my husband again. His words and actions say the same thing in regards to me.<P>Time, patience & love. And Plan B.

Tyra,<P>You're getting close to the point I'm trying to get to. Withdrawl is scary, but very necessary to protect ourselves. I think I may have Plan A'd too long. Plan B is almost impossible with kids...so what Plan can we be on. I know!!! Plan T...for Tyra. Tyra, it's time for us to move on and take care of ourselves and our children. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING we can do to educate these doofus husbands of ours. Yeah, they may be just like they are now for the rest of their lives!!!<P>Hey, I'm not saying this is ok, you and I both know this is not the right way to live life, and we and our children are shattered, but do we really have a choice here? How long are you willing to wait Tyra.<P>I know it's scary to make decisions alone, I'm just know learning how to do this...and believe me, I never made a decision in my marriage (H=control freak)...but we HAVE to now. We have no choice, just like our husbands have no choice but to figure out what the heck is going to make them happy.<P>Leave the cell phone bill alone hon. What good will it really do you to see it? You stated that you already know he is seeing ow. All it will do to you is hurt you more if you see it. Before my H left, I signed up to get his cell phone bills on line. Every month the statement is e mailed to me, without his knowledge. I've deleted it without looking at it every month. I don't need that kind of pain.<P>I don't think you're withdrawing, I think you're accepting. You're still fighting it a bit, which is very natural...I am too. But try to let go a bit if you can. Make your decisions about where to live and if you can return to work...make them alone. You'll feel more in control each time you do.<P>