I cheated on my husband. Ended it after he found out. I came back to him and we've been honest and open and actually we've been happy for a few days. But my H tells me the hurt is so bad. I tell him that i will do anyting and everything to help him get over this pain i have caused him. He says he wants to feel less cheated by going with someone else. I told him to go if that's what he needs to do to feel less cheated so that he can give me his love and i can love him. Does this sound crazy? I didn't know what else to do. Everyday he tells me he has mistrust issues. And that he will never be able to get over this. So i gave him the ok. what have i done. Does anyone ( betrayed) out there think that this would have worked for them. My husband does love me and i love him. But would this help you heal your hurt from a spouse having an affair. I only prey i've made the right choice. God i hope i did.

No ! Bad idea, I mean really bad idea. Him cheating will not make him feel better, and it will not make you feel better. That just opens the door for you two to cheat on each other back and forth over and over again. <P>How long ago did he find out. How much does he know. If he found out not long ago then you can expect him to be sad, hurt and angry for a time. It is part of the process. But him having a revenge affair will only make things worse. <P>Does he have anyone to talk to about this ? Someone who believes in trying to save and rebuild marriages after affairs ? If not you may want to tell him about this place. He needs an outlet for the anger and the hurt. Are you two in counseling ? If not I suggest you go. If you can't afford it, try some of the churchs in your area, may pators do counseling in these situations.<P>Your marriage will never be the same, but it can be better, if you will both try.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Well, he found out 7 months ago. At first i didnt want to come back. I decided to come back only 3 months ago. I know he was so desperate for me to come back, i could tell it in his voice and actionns and pleas. I came back physically at first but not emotionally. Well, about 1 month ago i came here to marriage builders and started reading posts by betrayed and betrayors. It hit me then. All the hurt i caused him, i understood it then and suddenly i wanted and was willing to do anyting gain his trust. But something funny happend. He pulled away. turns out he met a woman one month ago who has offered him conversatin and comfort. He told me he was physically attracted to her. He said he wanted to be honest. That was fine. I need honesty, it's one of my needs. But it seems that she kept popping into his mind and suddenly he exhibited doubts about our relationship. Because he wanted to feel the excitement of having an affair. I didn't know what to do, it seemed that he couldn't forgive me and i thought that if he went that he would maybe get part of the hurt out of his system. He went willingly. He left two hours ago. I saw him driveaway. I'm not hysterical because i think this is what i deserve. all the hurt, mistrust, pain. The worst part is that a week ago after he told me about his physical attraction to another, we started to really be honest about our needs and we felt passion and love. As for me, i really felt like we had reached a plateau of awareness in eachothers needs. I had hopes that we really could get the love back because now when i looked at him my heart raced for the first time in years. But, i'm not sure if he planned to make me fall in love with him and dump me or is just so hurt by my actions. <P>He has only known this person for a month and claims they have had no physical contact yet. Am i in for a long road. He knows without a doubt that i've been trying so so hard to do everyting i can to help him forgive me. I'm constantly asking him little questions keenly aware of the fact that we never bothered to ask or tell one another each others needs before. <P>So tell me. Do you think i'm in for a long haul. We have 2 boys together. And this other person is a few years younger than me with a small boy. He has shown me such love in the past couple of days but is it enough to have him come back or will the lust and confidenc of this new woman permanently pull him from me. <P>

Welcome <B>aandre</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P><B>Bozos_ Deb</B> is right...<BR>Never encourage your spouse to stray!!!<P>Instead...<BR>...start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...see the mechanics at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>Do all you can to have him stop his illicit relationship... (i.e. Plan A)...<BR>...an eye-for-an-eye... will have you loose even more than that!<P> <P>Jim

aandre.....<P>I am the Betrayed, and I can tell you that for a week or so I was SERIOUSLY contemplating a retalliation affair. I knew my W was still with OM, and I had a pretty, enthusiastic woman more than ready to help me get over the pain, the abuse, etc...... Filled my head full of "I would never hurt yous.....You deserve so much betters, etc"<P>IF I had persued that...I do NOT believe my marriage would survive. Of course, there is no guarentee of that now either, BUT when you start adding other people and emotions into an already bubbling emotional cauldron, it will be trouble. You all need to stop this somehow.<P>Good luck, I feel for you.<P>SS4N

aandre....<BR>What happened last night?<BR>I can feel the pain in your post and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. You will find support here. Keep reading and posting.

aandre,<P>He's hurt, he feels the unfairness, but him having an affair will not solve anything.<P>My h knew me so well, he pointed out that I would only hate myself if I did that (I think all of us BS think about it, we need to somehow balance the scales). He had the courage to be a FRIEND to me and tell me that even though it sounded self-serving on his part.<P>It is so true, an affair on his part will solve nothing. He can get past the pain, it is hard.<P>What I really wanted was to have those feelings with him, and it happened!<P>

thank you for all the kind words and advice last night. H never came home this a.m. He spent the night out with Her(name unkown, face unkown) i feel doubly punished for my affair and now for him having had an affair or atleast having it on his mind. he kissed me this morning and i asked him if he was back. he said yes. i wonder if he's ;back and if i'm second best. It was bad enough that i couldn't forgive myself but now i have to forgive him. i will see tonight when he returns from work. I have a Job interview today with motorola and i hope i can keep it together. i'm worried about tonight though

aandre,<P>Go look up Vee's posts. She had an affair and then her H had a retalitory affair. It is a hugh mess. I believe you made a hugh mistake by approving this affair, but I also think that if he did start one with OW, that your approval was just a formality.<P>He is a complete fool, and you can tell him, that I said that. He has not only hurt you, but what he doesn't understand is that he has hurt himself even worse. You may have had your reasons for the affair, but you tried to avoid hurting him, he is doing this purely to hurt you.<P>You are in for a very long mess. I realize you hurt him badly and I'll bet you treated him awfully for the many months that your affair went on. But an affair by him is not the right way to resolve this. If he was really that hurt, he should have divorced you, pure and simple. If he still loved you after all of this he should have tried to rebuild the marriage.<P>So aandre,you and your H are in for a long and very messy recovery. For that I am really sorry.<P>Having said all of that, you need to understand one thing. You still need to learn how to build a good marriage. <P>You have much work to do on yourself, not your H. You have done great harm to the marriage and you need to understand why and then see if you can alter your approach and thinking in a manner that will lead to a better marriage. You cannot however fix your H. He will have to decide to do that. And now he will have much more to fix. <P>Keep posting and reading, the people here will do their best to help you and your H, if he decides to post.<P>God Bless,<P>JL