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#888269 09/29/00 12:30 AM
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My husband is a sex addict, has started going to meetings and realizes he has a problem. Now my question is by doing things other than we used to (sexy clothes, dancing for him, talking dirty) am I feeding this addiction? We are having fun with this, and it isn't anything that makes the other one hurt or uncomfortable. Is this something that might make him want to stray again or by getting it at home instead of wherever will this help? I just want to make sure before I make this a regular part of the routine.<BR>Elizabeth

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quote:<BR>"Is this something that might make him want to stray again or by getting it at home instead of wherever will this help?" <P>I am new to MB forums and just found your question after doing a search for threads on sexual addiction. I noticed no one had answered your question, so will point you to a book that might answer your question. <P>Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiciton by Dr. Patrick J. Carnes.<P>In this book, Carnes unfolds the basic model elements of what he calls "The Addictive System, consisting of four stages: (1) The Faulty Belief System, (2) Impaired<BR>Thinking, (3) The Addiction Cycle, and (4) Unmanageability. According to Carnes, According to Carnes, the sexual addiction is driven by a belief system, which is faulty. The four aspects, or core beliefs to this faulty belief system are: <P>(1) I am basically a bad and unworthy person; <BR>(2) No one would love me if they knew me as I am; <BR>(3) My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others; <BR>(4) Sex is my most important need. <P>You can find a a significant portion of what Carnes says on this web page:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.springsofwater.com/songsandjoy/outshad.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.springsofwater.com/songsandjoy/outshad.html</A> <P>From what I understand the addiction is not really about sex or what the wife does or doesn't do. I am no expert by any means but have been reading about this and began attending a COSA meeting last night.<P>HTH<p>[This message has been edited by computergal (edited January 26, 2001).]

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I'm not sure if my H is a sex addict, but he has so many addictions it seems. He's in recovery for drug addiction at the moment.<P>I've been worried about the sex part because I found out earlier this year that he was frequenting chat rooms and other porno sites on-line. He also gets up in the middle of the night to watch porno movies (last months cable bill had $50.00 worth of moies). He taped alot of the movies he rented so hopefully he'll be satisfied with that.<P>He also was very preoccupied with us having a threesome. He hasn't mentioned that lately since I told him I would never do that.<P>I fear he may have (or is still thinking about it) had a threesome with his brother and his ex gf. He said they had asked him during the summer. But my H lies a lot so he may have made that up.<P>My H likes to get kinky. At times I've played into his antics (talking dirty mostly) during sex, but I don't like the feeling of being dirty when we do that.<P>At one point I thought if I could be a bad girl (so to speak) in bed, he wouldn't need to stray, but then I thought he'd want it more and more and not be satisfied with just me.<P>Ugh! I wish I had a normal H!!<P>Gail, would you mind sharing about the meeting you went to? <P>Good luck to you both!<P>K

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My H is also a Sex Addict. I believe that what makes sexual addiction different from other addictions (like alcohol or drugs) is that it is natural, normal, and healthy to indulge. What makes it unhealthy is the excess: excessive partners, excessive practices, excessive time spent on searching after it and/or acquiring it, etc. <P>I don't think a little playing or making things exciting feeds the addiction. I think people involved with a sex addict have to be careful not to overcompensate in the other direction by making sex routine or predictable or boring! Variety isn't the problem. Excitement isn't the problem. The problem is the unhealthy way it affects the person's life. The problem is the lies. It's the secret life. It's turning to sexual partners to feel love, safe, and escape from real life. <P>It's not an easy thing to handle. I wish you luck. For more information see SexAddcits Anonymous at <A HREF="http://www.sa.org." TARGET=_blank>http://www.sa.org.</A> There are some other organzations out there too, but they seem to be more geared towards criminal sexual behaviour or those engaged in more dangerous things, like B&D, S&M, picking up prostitutes, rape, or voyeurism. (Not to say that having multiple sex partners and infidelity isn't unhealthy enough).<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited November 29, 2000).]

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Free2BMe,<P>I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your H.<P>Sure, I'll be glad to share about the meeting I went to. It was small, inormal, just the leader and I in her home. In a phone conversation the day before, she recommended the three books I listed in my post (above). <P>Since this was my first time at a COSA meeting, we just talked about my situation and background, and she voluntered some of her background. Normally the meetings are conducted like other co-dependent 12-step meetings I have atttended. Next time we will meet in a church room, and at least one more lady will attend.<P>The leader invited me to call her if I had questions, and I did call her this morning with a question. That's when I learned that she will sponsor me, comparable to an AA sponsor, I presume. She spent a couple of hours talking with me, and I appreciate this because I can't afford counseling right now. <P>She has worked with Doug Weiss and is easy to talk to, supportive, gentle but direct in asking the right questions to help me have more insight into my situation and my own thinking process. <P>I don't know if any of this is helpful, but that is how this my first COSA meeting went. <P>HTH<p>[This message has been edited by computergal (edited January 26, 2001).]


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