Yes, I am doing much better about creating an atmostphere for honesty. <P>He admits to having an "almost mistake" in 1996. It took him 4 years to admit to that, though. And I'm positive he hasn't admitted everything, and I'm not so sure there was only "one" almost mistake.<P>As far as the now goes, he is much more honest about things, but he still slips, and I know it does me no good to call him on things, or to be judgemental.<P>The boundary thread has been very helpful, because I realize that when he lies, he is lying to himself and there are natural consequences - and it is wrong if I intervene and share his problems. I am robbing him of the natural experiences in life when I bail him out, or call him on his mistakes. It isn't my job to "issue consequences", there are natural consequences. <P>If I issue the consequences, then he has someone to pick on and blame for his woes in life, and sends him perpetually back into his own spiral downward. It only frustrates me in the long run. <P>But, behaviors can change - and one person's behavior affects another's behavior. So that is the good news. <P>I didn't want to take over Lor's thread, so this is why I responded to you here.<BR>TNT<P> <P>

First of all I want to barge right in here and say a very big HI to you TNT!!<P>Where have you been woman!!!??? I have missed you!!! The addy I have for you doesn't work anymore......write to me @ Sheba101@webtv.net when you get a chance, will ya?<P>You didn't tell me what you thought of my D happenings......you know that I need your input!!!!<P>Things are good between me and H right now......he even called me at work yesterday which shocked the heck out of me because he never...ever....does that!! For no reason even!!! Then it dawned on me that he always referred to our anniversary date as the 29th instead of the 30th.....so that is why he called and asked me if I was OK......<P>Too weird or what? Ah, that's my WAD!!<P>How are things with you? How is the lake house coming? Are you moving there soon? Before winter sets in or after? Hope you are getting some enjoyment out of whatever hard work you are both surely having to do with getting both places ready.....<P>About this thread....thank you for putting so accurately together the thoughts I have had about this subject.<P>It's soooooo true......there are natural consequences!!!! It is not for us to punish our spouses (or any adult) !!!!<P>It is wrong, besides being something that they can use to deflect their justification of their own behaviors onto us.<P>Your such a smart cookie.....BIG HUGS!!<P>Love ya,<P>Sheba<BR>

Hi Sheba<P>Went searching for your post... My gosh. This reminds me of my divorce with my X! We sat in the courtroom holding hands. We went to pie and coffee afterwards. We spent the next 2 years seeing each other behind OW's back. <P>After 5 years of being divorced, I meet current husband and we plan to marry. Fiance comes with me as we go to X's house and while we are in the driveway, X tells my fiance that he doesn't have a right to be there, because X has a history with me (he was more vulgar), and that my fiance (now husband) has no rights to be in his driveway with me exchanging visitation. <P>It was like my X finally saw that life goes on, and he wasn't ready to accept that. He had married OW, we were in THEIR driveway, and he didn't understand that I would at some point find someone else. After 5 years, don't you think I was entitled to a future? eee gads. I know my X now would come running for me in a heart beat if I wanted, but guess what. I have not wanted him for many years! <P>Sheba, your love for your husband, and his love for you is so much like my relationship with my first husband. It isn't that you don't love him, or he doesn't love you, it is just that your whackadoodle is just whackeled out. <P>My X told me that he only married OW because I stopped dating him..... Hmmmm. I put the divorce on hold for over a year, finally had to finalize it so I could hold title legally in my own name. We dated for another 2 years after that. After I finally stopped seeing him (plan B?), then he marries OW. (I don't know who was more stupid, me or her). After 5 years of being divorced (3 years not dating) I meet someone and decide to remarry. And he acts so territorial like a big brother or something... unbelievable.<P>I just don't have any advise for you in your situation. I think you'll have to go with what you think is right for each situation.<P>Lake house gets it's lawn mowed - but no, my husband is no hurry to move. UGGH. He/We have been dilligently spending our time on this remodal in the house we are in. The outside is 99% done, just have a little bit of grout on the stone and to clean up the mess that the construction leaves.<P>He waivers - says we should sell the lake house, and not move, then we should sell the house we are in and move.... who knows. Still have a lot of inside painting to do, we ripped up the carpet, and we have drywall dust from all the sanding to clean up. Still have more coats of drywall to get finished. <P>We did hire some contractors a month ago to do some of the work, and that helped us get this far, so we are still moving in that direction.<P>Winter is coming. We had some freezing nights already, and I have a feeling it will not be fun to live at the lake house without a garage, so if it doesn't happen for about 6 more months, that is okay, I guess. I just don't understand why my husband would postpone moving - with OW here and X, maybe he enjoys all the attention? who knows.<P>I will be glad that OW will not be standing on our front lawn trying to generate a conversation soon, because soon it will be winter. <P>Good to hear from you, and you just keep being true to your own heart. You won't have any regrets if you do.<P>TNT