IV ESEARCHED AND SEARCHED FOR HELP ANSWERS ANYTHING TO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION BECAUSE I CANT. MY HUSBAND CHEATED ABOUT A YRS AGO WE SPLIT UP FOR AROUND MTHS AND I CAME BACK IT HAS BEEN SO HARD SINCE IVE BEEN BACK.AFTER I GOT BACK I CAUGHT HIM TALKING TO HERAND THEN FOUND HER NUMBER ON HIS CELL PHONE BILL HE SAYS IF I WOULDNT NOSY I WOULDNT GET HURT. HE MAKES EXCUSES FOR THE REASONS HE HAD TO TALK TO HER. HE SAID HE HAD TO TELL HER WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR SO SHE WOULDNT HURT HERSELF. HE HAS BEEN TRYING TO START A BUSINESS AND THINKS HE SHOULD BE DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE AND STAY FOR WEEKS AT TIMES WHERE HE IS TRYING TO START IT IT STILL HASNT STARTWED IT BUT STILL CONTINUES TO STAY WITH THE GUY AND HIS FAMILY FOR WEEKS AT TIMES. WE HAVE KIDS AND THEY ARE 9 AND 2 WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YRS.HE DOESNT SPEND NO TIME WITH THEM OR ME.WE DONT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED OR HAVE SEX THAT OFTEN HE SAYS HE JUST DONT HAVE A DESIRE FOR SEX. HE SHOWS ME NO KIND OF LOVE OR GIVE ME ANY SSECURITY AT ALL. HE SAYS HE DOESNT CARE IF I BELIEVE HIM OR NOT THAT HE LOVES ME HE DOESNT ACT IT . HE SAYS I NAG ALL THE TIME ABOUT THE SAME THING I DONT CALL IT NAGGING I CALL IT TRYING TO FULFILL YOUR NEEDS. HE GETS MAD IF I ASK ANYONE FRO ADVICE.IM LONELY AND HE DOESNT SEEM TO CARE . I DO LOVE HIM DEARLY OR I WOULD OF NEVER COME BACK. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME I THINK HES AFRAID TO TELL THE TRUTH AFRAID O WHAT THE OUTCOME MAYBE .I JUST NEED HELP FROM SOMEONE WHO HAAS BEEN WHERE I HAVE AND HAS PULLED TROUGH SOMETIMES I FEEL THAT I CANT MAKE IT ANOTHER DAY. HE STAYS ON HIS PC AND NEVER COMES OUT OF THE ROOM . WE HAVENT SAT DOWN AND WATCHED T.V. IN A GOOD YEAR NO SINCE IVE BEEN BACK HE SAYS HE HAS CHANGED ANDTHIS IS HOW HE IS. IS ALLMEN LIKE THIS .HE HATES WHEN I CRY . I FEEL IM GIVING 110 PERCENT AND HE ISNT NOTHING. THE KIDS SEEM TO BE EFFECTED BY IT BUT HE DENIES IT BOTHERING THEM. WE SEEM TO ARGUE OVER THE SAME THING ME NEDDING ATTENTION AND HIM NOT WANTING TO GIVE IT. HE AVOIDS ANSWWERING HIS CELL PHONE WHEN HE KNOWS ITS ME AFRAID I MIGHT SAY SOMETHING HE DONT WANT TO HEAR.I JUST NEED HELP I WANT TO GO TO COUNSELING BUT HE DOESNT. IF YOU LOVE SOOMEONE THAT MUCH AND WANT A MARRIAGE WHY NOT GIVE IT YOUR ALL.

Gj-30,<BR>Hello, I am so sorry that you are hurting,and that you are in your situation.But I am glad you found us.If you are new to the board, soon a person named NSR will write to you and greet you.Have you read the book"surviving an affair?"That will be great help to you.You can work on your marriage,even if he doesnt want to initially.Hang in there ,post often,we are here for you. Love and Prayers,Beth

gj--<P>{{{{{{{{hugs!}}}}}}}}}}<P>Life can be so overwhelming sometimes. It feels like we try, and try, and try...and then wonder, what's in it for me? Where's what *I* need? How COULD this be happening to me??<P>And I know as difficult as it may be sometimes to realize, your H is thinking that too....<P>Keep posting. Bring us your problems. Cry, vent, rage. We will listen and offer encouragement and/or advice. Even when we don't have time to type with our own stuff going on, there are still people reading your posts, and wishing you silent encouragement. Try to feel it. You ARE being heard. And typing out your frustrations help you to identify what courses you may take. <P>As helpful friends here remind me, these problems were not created overnight, and it will take time to fix them. For now, my suggestion is to avoid the stress of arguing with your H. You are clamming him up to the point of avoiding your calls, and also upsetting yourself more. (I DO understand, it's the same cycle here.)<P>Be kind to him. Think of it this way, you will be happier with your actions yourself! And this is VERY important--please try to take some time for you, even if it's just a bubble bath...or a walk. Rest. Soothe your body and mind. Do nice things for YOU. It will restore your calmness and you will feel better able to tackle your problems. <P>Rome was not built in a day! There's got to be a starting place, and I think beginning with no arguments and taking care of yourself is good. And try not to get frustrated searching for quick, forever fixes (just laugh at me while I keep doing it!). <P>Tell us what else you are feeling? We will try to help.<P>Laura

Welcome <B>gj_30</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>(Thanks beth... )<P><B>About your post</B>...<P>First off... try not to type in "CAPS"...<BR>...it normally mean you're yelling.<P>Do read all you can starting at my <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post!<P>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and check out the mechanics at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and read it!<P>As far as counseling goes... start on it...<BR>I would recommend that you(by yourself if your H won't go) have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Prayers... <P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lucks:<BR><B>gj--<P>{{{{{{{{hugs!}}}}}}}}}}<P>Life can be so overwhelming sometimes. It feels like we try, and try, and try...and then wonder, what's in it for me? Where's what *I* need? How COULD this be happening to me??<P>And I know as difficult as it may be sometimes to realize, your H is thinking that too....<P>Keep posting. Bring us your problems. Cry, vent, rage. We will listen and offer encouragement and/or advice. Even when we don't have time to type with our own stuff going on, there are still people reading your posts, and wishing you silent encouragement. Try to feel it. You ARE being heard. And typing out your frustrations help you to identify what courses you may take. <P>As helpful friends here remind me, these problems were not created overnight, and it will take time to fix them. For now, my suggestion is to avoid the stress of arguing with your H. You are clamming him up to the point of avoiding your calls, and also upsetting yourself more. (I DO understand, it's the same cycle here.)<P>Be kind to him. Think of it this way, you will be happier with your actions yourself! And this is VERY important--please try to take some time for you, even if it's just a bubble bath...or a walk. Rest. Soothe your body and mind. Do nice things for YOU. It will restore your calmness and you will feel better able to tackle your problems. <P>Rome was not built in a day! There's got to be a starting place, and I think beginning with no arguments and taking care of yourself is good. And try not to get frustrated searching for quick, forever fixes (just laugh at me while I keep doing it!). <P>Tell us what else you are feeling? We will try to help.<P>Laura</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lucks:<BR><B>gj--<P>{{{{{{{{hugs!}}}}}}}}}}<P>Life can be so overwhelming sometimes. It feels like we try, and try, and try...and then wonder, what's in it for me? Where's what *I* need? How COULD this be happening to me??<P>And I know as difficult as it may be sometimes to realize, your H is thinking that too....<P>Keep posting. Bring us your problems. Cry, vent, rage. We will listen and offer encouragement and/or advice. Even when we don't have time to type with our own stuff going on, there are still people reading your posts, and wishing you silent encouragement. Try to feel it. You ARE being heard. And typing out your frustrations help you to identify what courses you may take. <P>As helpful friends here remind me, these problems were not created overnight, and it will take time to fix them. For now, my suggestion is to avoid the stress of arguing with your H. You are clamming him up to the point of avoiding your calls, and also upsetting yourself more. (I DO understand, it's the same cycle here.)<P>Be kind to him. Think of it this way, you will be happier with your actions yourself! And this is VERY important--please try to take some time for you, even if it's just a bubble bath...or a walk. Rest. Soothe your body and mind. Do nice things for YOU. It will restore your calmness and you will feel better able to tackle your problems. <P>Rome was not built in a day! There's got to be a starting place, and I think beginning with no arguments and taking care of yourself is good. And try not to get frustrated searching for quick, forever fixes (just laugh at me while I keep doing it!). <P>Tell us what else you are feeling? We will try to help.<P>Laura</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>tahnk you for everything you have said. It seems to be getting harder and harder lst night he told me he doesnt think he loves me because all of the fighting,but he thing is I love him too much why do I love him so much after everything and why cant I let go if that is what he wants. W hy is he still here uif he doesnt know how he feels. A fter the affair that was the most hurtful thing and this is the next not knowing if he loves me or not.Why doesnt he sleep with me or do things with me and the kidsI have so many whys. W hy doesnt he want to go to counseling if it will help? Im confused angry hurt the whole nine yards but lonely is the big one also. Can a person be addicted to the pc to the point he doesnt want nothing lse? I try to make myself happy but it seems it dont work. So i should let him do his thing and not worry about my needs why doesnt he think of them

gf--<P>Are you hanging in there? By a couple of fingers? <P>Just think about this for a second--it IS hard to feel love for someone who is always yelling, crying or demanding something. And really, I <B>know</B> how you feel. You are hurting! Do you feel like half the time you're begging for your H's attention? And then you feel unloved and unwanted when he won't give it to you? And then kinda stupid?<P>Well, STOP it! You cannot <B>make</B> your H do ANYthing. That's just like butting your head against a wall and you're making dents in both the wall, and your head! But you CAN sit down, take a deep breath, and decide upon a course of action. For YOU...AND your marriage. <P>When you falter, I really think running back to this forum is a great way to release those intense emotions you're going through. Tell US about it. <P>Have you read through the MB principles? After that, read the description of Plan A. It's tough. You'll want to give up. But don't. After all, you're fighting for your marriage. And Plan A works! Look up past posts from Lori, her call name is "lostva." She's an incredible success story. Her H moved in with his affair partner. Lori kept utilizing a Plan A, and he's back home and their marriage is healthier AND happier! <P>Some people are hesitant or downright against counseling because they don't want to open their lives up to a stranger. Besides, your H may feel that since he's had an affair he's only going to be told how wrong he is. No one wants to hear, over and over, that they're "bad." If you're going to have any success in getting him into marriage counseling with you, in my opinion, you'll have to approach it in a different way, like "honey, WE need help with our marriage; I would like to learn how to communicate better WITH you and resolve our problems. I want you to be happy TOO. Will you consider going with me?" He needs positive encouragement. If he still says no, I would suggest going by yourself! It REALLY helps.<P>Your H has given you a clue how to start.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>lst night he told me he doesnt think he loves me because all of the fighting<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>What did he say at the end? "...because of all the fighting." First step in interaction now with your H -- DO NOT FIGHT. <P>As we learn here, in order to get our own needs met, our spouse's love bank has to be built up. Start making deposits in his love bank--no withdrawals if you can help it. Be sweet to him...be affectionate if he'll allow it. And protect your own love bank, yours is "in the red" too, I know. He won't be making many deposits into yours at first, but what you need is to make sure he can't withdraw any more either! I'll say it again, don't fight. If you are kind to him, he will start being kind to you, learning by example. See how much power you actually have in turning a bad situation around? Slowly...day by day...things CAN get better.<P>You ask:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Why is he still here if he doesnt know how he feels.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Because he really DOESN'T know how he feels. He's confused. But take heart, he IS still there. You have the opportunity to strengthen his feelings for you in a GOOD way. Do it! Take care of you, and get to work! <P>Keep posting.......<P><P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen

You must step back. It is imparitive that you start to release your H. You know that what you are doing is driving him away, don't do it. I know where of I speak. My whole marriage went to pot just for this reason. I was too clingy, I tried to force him to talk about his feelings, when he didn't I got mad. It affected my self esteem and my parenting skills. My kids soon were a wreck too, and h could not take any more. When he thought of home, he thought of anger, kaos and unhappiness. He could not deal with it, and did not try to. Instead he ran(figuratively.) <P>He found some one that filled his needs and when the offer was made to him(sex) he took it and they promptly fell in love with each other. 17 mos later, here we are( I found out 2 mos. ago.)<P>Your H needs to see a therapist, and you should too, and see your doctor about some antidepressants so you can start focusiung on yourself and YOUR needs, and those of your kids instead of him.<P>Also look up on the internet about codependence at <A HREF="http://www.discoveryhealth.com." TARGET=_blank>www.discoveryhealth.com.</A> At least I hope it is there. If not ask your therapist. This is a behavior I am prone to and you sound as if you might too. Check it out. I joined a group a month ago to help me change my behavior It is called CoDA, it is in every city. Look for local listings at <A HREF="http://www.codependents.org." TARGET=_blank>www.codependents.org.</A> <P>I am not a Dr., I just recognise some of my behavior in your dialog. If you read up and don't agree, no harm done!<P>Feel better!

hey, it is me i might have blew it last night.It was my b-day and i was hoping something a happy b-day or anythng never got it. I ask what was going on my same old ? and he said my best aggravates him he meant me thinking im trying my best does nothing but aggravate him that hurt.I t hurts to know how he feels is it over at this point is there any help he said he would be gone today and Im trying to be tough but it is killing me is there any love there for me .Can it be brought back with only me working on it. I dont think he loves me just trying to find a easy way out if he does leave how do i go on. I love him very much but the negative words are hurting really deep if he would just go to counseling a couple of times . Is there any hope for this or not<p>[This message has been edited by gj_30 (edited October 01, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gj_30:<BR><B>hey, it is me i might have blew it last night.It was my b-day and i was hoping something a happy b-day or anythng never got it. I ask what was going on my same old ? and he said my best aggravates him he meant me thinking im trying my best does nothing but aggravate him that hurt.I t hurts to know how he feels is it over at this point is there any help he said he would be gone today and Im trying to be tough but it is killing me is there any love there for me .Can it be brought back with only me working on it. I dont think he loves me just trying to find a easy way out if he does leave how do i go on. I love him very much but the negative words are hurting really deep if he would just go to counseling a couple of times . Is there any hope for this or not</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

GJ-<BR>I don't mean to be critical, but please use punctuation. I had to read your post several times before I could decipher it. I know you are hurting and I really want to help you understand you are not alone.<P>My h is doing the same, except that he is not trying to be hurtful. The situation exists and he feels he cannot change his feelings about the OW. I say he can, because he was able to change them about me after 16 years of marriage. I also feel he can return to his love for me if he only tried(and gave up the OW!) <P>Try to hang on, and do see your DR. Meds do help the initial depression that comes from discovery and also helps while you struggle with Plan A. YOU need to be strong for you, not for him--but he will see it anyway. That will be a bonus! <P>Serenity comes from within, find your inner strength. Know that you cannot make his decisions or make him change, only he can do that. Just let go of the burden! You cannot do it for him, so give him the space to do it in. It is hard. I am struggling with that myself, every day.<P>Do you know the serenity prayer?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.<P>The courage to change the things I can,<P>And the wisdom to know the difference.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>