Okay so I confronted him tonight. He had an excuse for everything. Claims the office romance is non existant. Claims the gift pen was for our daughter just forgot to bring it home, cough, claims he never got the affectionate emails, gag, claims the picture he sent her of me to identify the courier of her annonomous flowers was just a fluke. So now WHAT? Am I suppose to accept all this and go on like I had a gas pain and it passed? He is annoyed that he has to defend himself. Why do I feel guilty? I am going to email the OW but what do you say to not look like the foolish spouse? I hate him for this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am glad there are no weapons in this house, wish there was super glue!!!!

personal,<P>I understand totally how you feel. I get the same denials. So do lots of people on here. Please remain calm, and as hard as it is, understand that when people go into this lying mode, they are in a fog and trying to balance two lives. As angry as I get, I don't think it is an intent to hurt us.<P>Just take your time and you can figure out things more clearly. I have to go now, but I'll write you again. I fully expected this kind of response with the confronting....it is all too common, as you must read here. Get the book Surviving the Affair. It talks about this stuff, and makes some sense of it. People do get through these situations. I'm not a good one to talk, because even earlier today I was really angry and resentful, and vented on here.<P>Hang in there and just don't do anything rash...take your time and read alot on here.

I know what you mean about excuses for everything. I don't know for sure that my husband cheated on me but I do know that he has been talking all summer with a girl that he did hook up with years ago while we were dating. She is someone I hate. I think my biggest hurt is that my H lied to me. He has never done that before. Here I am taking care of our 17 month old and ready to deliver our second in 2 months. What was he thinking is my biggest question? I read her emails to him and they suggest that she has feelings for him and that they crossed the line. I thank GOd everyday that I don't know what he wrote to her. It has been over a month now since I found out about their secret "friendship" and after weeks of not sleeping and thinking of what probably happened that he has not told me have taken a toll. I have decided to forgive him as long as he has no contact with her. He'd be stupid to try. I have all my grounds covered on that issue. As far as still thinking about what he did...it is an everyday thought and that will not go away for some time. I will trust him again. I love him. The excuses anger me but I have stopped bringing it up. It is not worth pushing him away. The guilty party will get it in the end. I truley believe that. You can only live with guilt for so long. The truth behind the excuses eventually will come out. In time!

personal,<P>i agree with sweetpea. do a good plan A for right now but keep your eyes open. keep copies of any hard evidence that you can find. hide your evidence someplace he will never find it. you may need it one day. hopefully wyou will not. after a sufficent time of Plan A, if you feel you have not gotten any results you could use some but not all of your evidence to confront him and provide him with certain options. ignore the other woman. dont refer to her. pretend she doesn't exist when you talk to your husband. Plan A. Plan A. Plan A. <BR>come back and tell us what is going on.<P>cleo

Welcome <B>personal</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>First... take a day or two off...<BR>...empty yourself a bit.<BR>Do start on Plan A...<BR>...it could be a long ride.<P> <P>Jim

One last thing that is very important.<P>Do NOT call the other woman or email. no contact. It is sure to get back to H and it will backfire. Either with him or it will make her even more heartless, like she has the edge because she will perceive you as weak, no matter what you say. They also will get sloppy or blatant and that will hurt if he is denying. Being lied to is so painful!!!<P>I have been wanting to call my H's OW ever since I found her phone number. They are in "love." <P>I want to tell her t fu** off and get out of our lives so my H can come back to sanity and rejoin his family! She is long distance, but he recently resumed the PA with her on a business trip. I nearly killed him!<P>I perceive HER as weak. She has to steal my man instead of going after someone that is free. "I think we loved each other from the day we met." my h says--bu** cr*p!!! "I will love you forever." she writes on a confiscated card... It really sounds immature to me, somehow. Like I sounded at 18, not at her age(7 yrs older than me!)<P>I really want him to drop her but right now it is not likely. He is confused where his life should be, here or there. So I just have to stand back and support, love and have patience with him. Keep reassuring him that I love him and beleive in him and his integrity.(That it can returm! ) I have had to detach. But I absolutely insist on honesty form now on, He is confused but releived. I'll go as long as I can. <P>Think before you act, and get some more advice form the peanut gallery...

The feelings you have are the same that I had when I first came to this site. I was spinning my wheels and going into deep depression. <P>And I continued on that, because I made the mistake of believing that healing couldn't begin until there was discovery... <P>Finally, someone said to decide what I wanted to do about my marriage, whether or not there is infidelity in the situation. That took me some time to process, but I finally understood.<P>My suggestion to you is the same.....<P>1. If your husband had an affair in the past, do you still want your marriage to work?<P>2. If your husband is in a current affair, do you still want your marriage to work?<P>If the answer is yes, then start doing what you can do to restore this marriage. I termed my plan as "PREDISCLOSURE PLAN A".<P>Unfortunately, most of the Harley material is geared toward recovery AFTER discovery. Well, I believe that there are MAJOR WITHDRAWALS FROM THE LOVEBANK if you get side tracked into spending your energy working on discovery, instead of restoring your marriage.<P>Skip that step for now, and get on a very very very good plan A. You need to make some major deposits, but you also need to make sure that you are making no withdrawals (lovebusters). Snooping, and contacting OW are withdrawals when you get caught, and also cause you to spend your energy in a negative way.<P>May God guide you and give you wisdom.<P>TNT