I've been carrying out a good Plan A for 11 months now (d-day is next month), been individually and jointly counselling with Steve Harley for months, but my wife's guilt along with her refusal to end her affair has finally driven her to move out. <P>She says she needs time alone to figure things out (where have some of us heard that one before?). Maybe yes, maybe no. Tonite will be our first night apart. Sounds like she's planning to return tomorrow to continue getting her things. I asked her to please have done with it and get ALL her stuff out because I was tired of being tortured. I told her if I sounded angry, I was.<P>She seemed surprised to hear me say that. I said nothing more, choosing not to LB any more than I'd done already, but I'm thinking come on....... "You've vascillated between staying and going for months, you won't end your affair, you finally announce you're leaving, spend three weeks looking at apartments, breakdown and have to have me explain to our younger son why you're leaving, have me help you move (better me than the OM), ask me to help you install window shades so you'll have some privacy when you move in and every action just serves to twist the knife around one more time." What do I have to feel tortured about?<P>Whew........ It helps a little to vent to folks that would understand.<P>While I'm sad and not exactly sure whether to continue a Plan A or move to a Plan B mode, the separation is probably best if she won't give up the OM.<P>I would still encourage all in plan A not to give up hope and continue their best efforts at it. I still believe in the methodology. If nothing more, it not only makes you a better person but also buys you time to assess your situation and make somewhat logical and not totally emotional decisions.<P>Regardless of how things work out in the long term, I know my sons and I will be OK.

Tom...<P>You're very brave...<BR>...and got your head on straight!<P>Stick with Plan A for at least a while longer...<BR>...when she is gone long enough...<BR>...entertaining thoughts of Plan B will come!<P> <P>Jim

I am so sorry TomH.....I know how much this hurts.<P>All is not lost though, I think you know that...maybe a little part of you realizes that this separation time is even necessary. It goes that way sometimes.<P>This will give you a much needed breath of fresh air. A time to clear the house of all the tension of the past months. It truly helps you feel much better can allow you to heal your heart more and restrengthen your resolve for what you want.<P>It will help her also......granted, she may feel freer to pursue what she thinks she needs with this OM, but the faster that goes (with you still showing her your love and "safeness") the sooner she will see that OM is not as "wonderful" as she imagined. <P>She is also going to have to handle missing the kids and the guilt of leaving them.....she will have a rough go of this, whether she shows it to you or not.<P>Just keep being her friend.....and remember that she is not doing this to hurt you or the boys!!! She is doing this because she is missing something in herself!!! She needs to find it.......<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

TomH, I'm sorry to hear that, but it might help you and her to have more time and space to think about it. I'm sure she will miss both of you and when she is not with the OM she will feel lonely and sad. The thing is she will also see the other side of the OM, of who he really is. Hang in there my friend. Keep your hope alive. <P>OOOO

Hi TomH:<P>Some people are so blind they just won't see. Your wife won't take off her rose colored glases about OM and until she does, apparently you will not be able to reach her with your Plan A.<P>That doesn't mean your Plan A hasn't been a success, it just hasn't been able to overcome the effects of the affair. You probably need to let the affair run it's course and then try to pick up the pieces and go on. It's not fair and it's not easy.<P>Keep on Plan A. I believe your actions are having effect and they will be cumulative when the affair is over. So hang in there for a while and see what happens.<P>Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited September 30, 2000).]

Thanks to all for the encouragement. It truly helps to know there are good, concerned and empathetic folks here at MB that will take the time to give you a hug or a pat on the back when it's needed.<P>Tom

Tom-<P>I think it stinks. My H is still fence sitting but it has only been 2 months. He is working on himself and starting to realize his shortcomings, ones he never recognised. <P>Though i took my share of the blame, he did not really see the why's of his behavior until now. He knew they were wrong but could not help it; and it was also part of his behavior not to tell me anything about his losing love in the marriage. He is starting to see why that was so. <P>I have to struggle iwth infidelity until he finds himself, but at least he is trying. He is finally moving forward, not sideways,since dday. But paln a is still going strong here with the usual kinks. <P>I hope your wife will have the opportunity to find some of her self as well, and the eyes to see that she does need to change some things in her behavior that are self destructive(like losing a da** good H!!)<P>Chin up-- --and do what you must for your serenity.