Hi everybody!<P>Well, as I "announced" here earlier this week, Sunday night I gave my husband <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/005430.html" TARGET=_blank>the letter I had written</A> and a card I had gotten him (for our 11th anniversary on September 9). That night slug came into the pizza place while I was there and, while I didn't "face her down" or confront her or anything, I also didn't allow her presence to run me out of the place, either.<P>As I left he told me he would read what I had written, and I am sure that he did. He had said earlier in the conversation about the letter (in which he wanted me to tell him what was in the envelope I'd given him - and in which I told him he needed to just read it) that he was supposed to see the lawyer on Tuesday - that would have been Tuesday the 26th.<P>I have not heard a word from him since. No caller ID indicators that he has tried to call me, no voice mail at work or anything. Somehow, however, it isn't really bothering me. I think there are a few reasons why that might be so.<P>First, I have finally got off my chest the things I have "harbored" in my mind and heart for so long. If what I "think" is the reason he made the decision to leave is the truth, then he now knows I know it, and also knows I can deal with it. If it is not the reason, then I have only given him further food for thought about my willingness to reconcile. I did not beg, and I was not negative - I laid out my thoughts and feelings clearly and concisely. Plus, I am an expressive person, and need to share what I feel and think - keeping the contents of that letter inside was making me crazy. Overall, giving him that letter took a huge weight off my shoulders - and I can now move forward in whatever direction I need to go in without "wondering" if I said all that needed to be said.<P>Second, I have escaped the oppressiveness of my former position where I work. I never realized how stressful it was to work there - but I have been happy and relaxed in my new job - especially after meeting again with my new supervisor. I rarely had the opportunity to meet with my previous supervisor unless she had something negative to discuss. This meeting with my current supervisor was simply a "touch base and see how things are going" meeting - something I cannot tell you how much I value. It made me very nervous at first, until I realized that she really was only interested in seeing how things were going and what I was working on - and that she was NOT interested in beating me up about anything! The improvement in the job situation has helped my outlook on life in general - a wonderful feeling, let me tell you!<P>And third, I have decided to get involved in the Marriage Coalition and any other pro-marriage group that doesn't carry bombs or guns (JOKE FOLKS!!! ). Seriously, I am, as my slight bit of spare time allows, looking into the groups that are working toward pro-marriage marriage and divorce reform laws and policies.<P>So, life has not gotten to where I want it to be, however, it isn't so bad anymore ... pretty good as a matter of fact. I wouldn't say I am deliriously happy - but I am pretty satisfied that I am doing as well as I can for myself at the moment. During the day I don't think of him much at all - and my day often extends far into the evening, so that allows me major freedom from depressing thoughts! I still would go with him if he wanted to try again, but I also know I can be happy no matter where I am or what I am doing.<P>Plan B will "officially" come soon - there is still a lot of upheaval at the job I would like to see resolved before I cause any upheaval in my personal life. Plus I want to give him plenty of time to reflect on what I've written to him. If he isn't reflecting - oh well - but I don't want to rush him, either, as I know he makes (some) major decisions very slowly and carefully.<P>Thank you all for the support and advice about the letter... I hope I have not disappointed anyone! <P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri:<P>I just had to drop you a note and tell you I wish I could reach the level that you're at. <P>How did you get there? <P>I wish everyday I could put myself out of the loop...to separate myself from it and really mean it.<P>Seems like I go for a while then am dragged back into it by H...either from being ignored or being driven crazy by his actions or his words.<P>Just reading your post gives me hope that it can be done though. I hope everything works out for you. <P>Faye

Faye, I have been blessed with incredible amounts of patience, for one thing - or stupidity, it depends on your point of view! <P>Also, don't forget that I've been going through this for now just over two years. I sometimes wonder if I am a fruitcake or not, but I figure that if I feel OK with myself and my life, then my choices work regardless of whether they are the choices others would have me make or not.<P>You CAN do it, too. Everybody can. It's a matter of just DOING it. Like Nike <P>Thanks for writing.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have been blessed with incredible amounts of patience, for one thing - or stupidity, it depends on your point of view!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Perhaps we should call it “stupid patience” on both our parts?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Perfect, Chris! "Stupid patience" LOL!<P>Terri

Had a kind of difficult day. I wanted to call my husband REALLY badly, but I busied myself and spent the afternoon with my SIL helping her with her computer. Nothing on my caller ID when I got home.<P>::<P>Gosh, I sure did fool myself into believing that I don't expect any response to the letter. I guess deep down I had hoped that it would have provoked SOME kind of response, even a negative one. Of course, as I said before, he does take a long time to come to decisions of any kind, and maybe he is just biding his time before responding.<P>And, even though I'm pretty certain I know what's coming next, it will still feel like a kick in the gut if/when I am served divorce papers.<P>There, that little "vent" made me feel better. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<BR>Your first post on this thread is so composed & thoughtful--copy it off to read when your thoughts start to slide. You have handled your situation with your H in a remarkable way. He has no idea how rare and insightful your reactions these past 2 years have been.<P>You've now lobbed the ball into his court. He has read the words that you wanted him to, he *knows*. And certainly, if you want to wait a bit until Plan B, in the scheme of the years you've already waited, it probably is fine. But, just like there is no good time of year to discover your spouse is having an affair, is there ever a *good* time to start Plan B? There will always be something that will enable you to put it off.<P>I guess I feel that once he moves to Florida, he'll have you in B whether you want it or not. And he'll have burned a few more bridges. I'm wondering if B before he leaves wouldn't show him what it is like in a familiar environment without your support & company. Settling in Florida from the East Coast will probably be strange & new no matter what your actions.<P>Just a thought. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Terri,<BR>I know where you are and I think I know how you feel also. It sounds all too familiar.<P>You must be Terri... live for Terri... make decisions for Terri. I know that this will be hard to hear but I hope that you will at least keep an open mind, until I am done.<P>Does you H care for you... Yes, I believe he does. But is he with you? No, he isn't. Has he said anything about coming back? No, he hasn't. Perhaps not yet but you can't live on what may happen anymore.<P>I just feel like some of the others here have given you a lot of good advice. I think that it makes sense but I know that it is vary hard to accept it because you love him so much.<P>But.... you must forget about your H now. Right now he is not your H. He is only your H legally but there are so many more aspects.<P>You have to let him go and be Terri. Start taking your life in the direction that Terri wants it to go. To alot of men, that is more attractive and more intreging then this.<P>I know you love him and that it seems that if you just reassure him and if you could just say the right thing that something would go "POOF" inside of his head and all would be better but I am telling you that it doesn't work that way. And the more you try the worse it usually tends to get.<P>Men don't like to be chased, they like to be the chasers. In my opinion, I think that is what started bringing your H into your life a little more lately, was the mystery that now was beginning to surround you.<P>But now you have let him know that you are still there waiting, wanting and willing to do anything to get him back.<P>Please Terri, try to be strong. If you feel better getting all of this off your chest then fine. Be happy with that and now let it go. Whatever you do... don't call him. You know that although he is thinking about the letter some... it will be your lack of contact and availability that will get him to really thinking about it. <P>I would also suggest that you go to Plan-B, I feel like you need to be the one to initiate this, in order to give it the needed affect.<P>Just a thought here but don't you think that as much talking and contact that you two have had lately... him asking you to come by, the trip to the funeral and so forth that he hasn't enjoyed the time together? You know he has! Don't you think that he wil miss that? I think so. Don't you think that it would be bad for his relationship with the slug, for him to have withdrawls from hearing from you? I think that could throw a couple of monkey wrenches in the moving plans.<P>I know first hand what withdrawl is like... I saw it and I am telling you that I would lay 20/1 odds that this OW won't be able to handle it!!!<P>Be strong and go to Plan B. He needs to feel what it will be like not to talk to you. He needs to feel what it will be like not to have you there. He has no idea what it will be like because you have always been there, no matter what.<P>If your marriage stands a chance he needs to experience this before things go much farther.<P>Ok, I will get off my soap box now but I want you to know what a scary leap of faith it is. It scared me to death too. I was really afraid to let go completely and wait to see what happened. Many told me the same thing that I am telling you... and deep down I could feel that they were right but I was to scared to take that leap of faith.<P>I know now that if I had only listened sooner... that chances are that it wouldn't have taken so long. But my love and devotion only pushed him farther away. <P>Don't take offense and please don't get defensive. I want to see things work out for you. If it is meant to be with your H then it will be. Have faith in yourself and in God's will.<P>Love,<BR>Genie

Thanks, Lor and Genie ... you are both right, I know that. I have just been so tired lately with this new job and starting back at the second job and all - I haven't had time and energy to do much of anything. And being tired makes it harder to get motivated to do what needs to be done.<P>Oddly enough, I got a very strange phone call on my caller ID tonight. And I wonder who it REALLY was. The call was from a pizza place ... not the place where my husband works, but a place that hasn't been open for a while... and which the slug's former employer has supposedly just bought (the place where she used to work here in town has closed - they did no business anyway). I have no clue as to why I would get a call from there - and checked with the one of my friends to see if she had maybe called me from a pay phone or something (she hadn't).<P>It is so coincidental that I have heard this guy bought that particular pizza place and suddenly I get a call from there ...<P>Call it paranoia, but after finding me at the pizza place last week, I wouldn't put it past slug to begin the harrassment campaign again. It could be worse now that she has a driver's license again.<P>Part of me hopes it IS her ... a little OW insecurity is good for the soul, y'know! <P>I'm so glad I have this place to come to...<P>Thanks again!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<BR>You don't know who that was and maybe that is best. If it was the slug... then I would say that you are probably right about the OW insecurity thing, especially since she found you there with your H at the pizza shop the other night. Believe me that is such a good thing... She is LB'ing all over the place I will bet ya.<P>If it was your H... well, perhaps he is thinking or maybe he was just curious as to what you were doing and what kind of response he would get from you. My best advice is to stay clear. Let him seek you out a little more.<P>There are three sayings that I really learned the meaning to during this whole ordeal. <P>1. Absense makes the heart grow fonder.<P>2. Curiousity killed the cat.<P>3. If you love something set it free... and if it comes back its yours.<P>Stay strong, be tough and try to look at the whole picture. And whatever you do... don't let your curiousity or emotions get the best of you.<P>Genie

Add to Genie's quotes:<BR>Wilder: The burnt child loves the fire.<P>Certainly "Once burnt, twice shy" means nothing to me! <P>Terri, it's ok to just step back & take a break as well. And, in my everlasting role of *mom* are you taking your meds?

<P>Yes mom.<P>Thanks again you too. I am ok - I am coming here rather than doing anything else. When I have some time again within the next two weeks or so, I am going to edit my Plan B letter and post it again.<P>I guess I cannot wait until things settle down at work - new stuff is happening and it looks as if it won't be "settling down" any time soon... <P>But I still love my job.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>