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Joined: Oct 1999
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My H went out last night and I thought he actually cared about me because he called home to see if I wanted something brought home for dinner. I said no but thank you and he said he was on his way home. Well he never made it home again............So this morning I happened to get up and what do I see the OW's car pulling past our house and letting my H out of the car. Well when he got to the house I let him have it. What was his response. He wasn't with her and she didn't just drop him off. Does he think I am as dumb as a box of rocks. I know her car and I saw them and he got out of the car. How else did he get home seeing he didn't drive his car or truck when he left the house. He had gone with another guy. Even this morning he wouldn't admit that it was her. Well after he said that when he first came in the house I said then I will call her cellphone and see what she says. Well guess what she was in her car headed home and asked me where my H was. I told her he was there listening. What a joke. I asked her if the story of not wanting him last weekend was just a big lie. I actually told her to turn around and come back to the house. That I would have his bags packed and she could take him home for good. She didn't. But she said she didn't have anything to say to me. <P>Why is it that my H can't even take the responsibility of what he is doing. HE then had the NERVE to want me to lay back down in bed and relax and he was going to hug me. Yuck after he was just with her for half the night he wanted to make me feel better. Where the H*** are his brains.

Joined: Aug 2000
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WHERE is his brain? I don't think it exists. If so, it's not in use. <P>Sorry for your pain. It's so frustrating when they deny the obvious. When my H did that, I had these fleeting moments that I thought I was the crazy one. Then I realized I soon was going to be the crazy one. If not for my friends, I would have been! We would be in the middle of a huge crisis and my H would say, "When are we going on vacation?" Going through something like this is nothing that can be made sense of.<P>How ironic that she wouldn't come back and get him. I wonder how that made him feel...

Joined: Aug 2000
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It seems like neither one think their fun is reality. I think that stinks. I am so sorry this is happening to you. What a pain! There is no reason for a man to become a pathalogical lyer just because he wants .....<P>I have been lucky so far. One big, crappy, boldface lie and I let him have it as soon as I found evidence to the contrary. I smacked him pretty good too. I don't think he will be lying to me anytime soon, he finally realizes how much effort it takes to lie and hold a secret. Since I require the truth, he is confused but grateful for the opportunity to unload some of his burden.<P>It gives me time to work through it...<P>Sorry yours isn't out of the fog; or even in reality yet [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Thinking of you.

Joined: Jun 2000
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bc,<P>Detach yourself. Why are you still looking for proof? You already know the truth.<P>You have a choice to either continue to live this way, or move forward.<P>Go into Plan B and begin taking care of yourself. No one can help your H except himself.

Joined: Oct 1999
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I am not looking for proof I just happened to be looking out the window and saw the whole thing happen. He hadn't come home and I was looking to see if his car and truck were both in the drive. I just happened to see her drop him off.<P>When he came in the house was I suppose to just pretend I didn't see it or say a work about it. Wouldn't that just reinforce the fact that he seems to think he can come and go as he pleases and I can't do a thing about it.<P>The legal system in our state sucks so to speak. I have tried to move on as much as it is not what I want to do for my own sanity. He has been ordered to do his paperwork and his lawyer even wrote him a letter saying if he doesn't then I stand to get EVERYTHING I want. He still hasn't done it. So legally I have to go back to court to have him held in contempt. This will take another 2 weeks and $400 more. This is the legal system. They don't look at emotional abuse just physical so yes I would like to do plan B. I have asked him point blank to leave. I told him he could take all his paycheck (which right now is unemployment seeing he lost his job and hasn't found another) and he wouldn't have to pay me anything for the bills until the divorce was settled. No he won't go. I even told the OW she could come and pick him up that I would have his bags ready but no she didn't take me up on the offer.<P>So detach at this point I hardly know up from down or which day it is. My counselor is worried about my mental health because of the situation I live in but that is the system. While he does his thing with whoever, whereever I can't do a darned thing.<P>So do I completely ignore him and act like he isn't even around or that just might make him angry. I don't know what to do.

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Hello bc,<P>I didn't mean to offend you. I am worried about you and you have had to live like this for so long now.<P>Do you have friends or family nearby whom you can hang around with and keep you occupied? Do you have some hobbies so that you can keep yourself busy?<P>When I was in therapy, my counselor suggested that I take up a hobby that involved using my hands. So, I started buying rubber stamps and made greeting card after greeting card. It definitely helped keep my sanity. I was so busy thinking of ways to be creative that I was distracted from focusing on my H and his problems. After all, the only one who could help my H with his alcohol problem was himself. But in the meantime, I was able to keep my sanity.<P>I know that I keep saying this...DETACH DETACH. But that is what you have to do to keep sane in all of this. I don't want to see you get mentally impaired from all of this. You deserve better and you need to pamper yourself so that it will help you feel better too.<P>Do things for you BC. As hard as it is, detach yourself from your H. Your H is doing these horrid things because he is living for the moment. He isn't thinking about consequences or who he hurts. His mind is so polluted that he doesn't care about anything or anyone right now.<P>Please don't get caught up in all of that. It is a downward spiral and I don't want to see you get lost in all of it.<P>Take care of yourself. Do things for yourself. Hang around with people who care about you. Start a hobby. Just keep busy! Keep posting and keep us updated. If you need someone to talk to, you can e-mail me at greyriders_wife@yahoo.com.

Joined: May 2000
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((((((((((bc))))))))))<P>I'm so sorry for what's going down.<BR>It's not very healthy that you have to deal with this.<P>Is it possible for you to talk to him about him moving out when he's sober and give him certain time to get packed, etc, and tell him after that day you are changing the locks.<P>right now he's insane and all of the things he says/does don't mean much.<BR>Please do things for YOURSELF.<P>Meg

Joined: Jan 2000
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bc,<P>I can relate to your situation. I once found e-mails from the OW on a disk in my H bag. I printed them out. He denied ever having seen them. Said he did not know how they got there. He finally fessed up in our counceling session.<P>My councelor too has told my H that it is one thing to lie to someone to cover something up. But that it is truely sadistic to make someone doubt themself in the face of clear evidence of a lie. She tells me my H is deeply troubled and can not be trusted. <BR>( not like I did not already know this)<P>It is so hard to get through this. I think survivor had a good point of finding a hobby that you can use your hands for. I've read that the hand eye coordination thing does soothe the mind due to the concentration that it takes. <P>Maybe focus on Christmas. Think of what your house could look like it you get going now.<P>Good luck. <BR>Acacai

Joined: Oct 1999
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There are alot of things I could do around the house but I just don't feel like doing them because ultimately the house will be going up for sale. Maybe I should just go ahead and do the things and feel better for right now. <P>Are house is only two years old and it was our dream house. Now we have it and he doesn't want to do anything around it. Just come and go and see the OW. He even says he wants to keep it or so the OW said he didn't want anything to do with me he was just keeping me around so he could keep his house. Nice Huh????<P>I did buy some candles yesterday and that looked nice for Halloween. <P>Thanks for the support. It means a lot.


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