I am confused and dazed. I dont understand this infedelity stuff. I confronted him with my info on the coworker OW, he denies everything. I email her my very nicely stated,gag, questions. Of course she denies almost everything. She comes clean on a gift she gave him, he when confronted said it was for our daughter, she also says her husband was shocked at their relationship and so she distanced herself. So she stopped it he didnt. She gets annnon. flowers, he sends her a picture of me to see if it was me, she thinks the flowers are from him. Now this is an innocent relationship???? He has lied again. I cant stand it. Now I am told he is tired of "cow towing" to me, and its over, he has done nothing. So what now, I am supposed to put on a happy face and go on while he goes back to work with her. So plan A doesnt apply here, does it? He didnt have a physical affair, he denies everything, and he has to work with her daily so he cant stop contact with her, how convient. He doenst really want to. I asked him to call her while I was on the extension. He agreed one day, (I think he called her ahead) and now he refuses. Now he is mad at me. How did I become the bad guy. I think I am dehydrated from crying. I havent recieved the book Surviving the Affair, which he does not want me to read, he wont take the needs questionaire, says it causes trouble. None of this is working. Is there a plan C?

Personal-<BR>You became the bad guy because you are questioning him and threatening to take away his secret life, if that is what is going on.<P>I know how difficult this is- been there myself. If you assume that he is having an EA (do you suspect a PA also?), what do you want? Do you want your marriage? <P>If you do, it's time to Plan A. And remember, a big part of Plan A is eliminating love busters. Any further questioning about her, contacting her, trying to set them up will be perceived by your H as a LB.<P>I know this is hard and you really want to know what's going on and why. I also know how devistating this is. But, if you want your marriage, do your questioning and venting here and not to your H. Keep your eyes and ears open, but no LBing.<P>

Hello, confused and dazed, I am Dazed and Confused , and I have BEEN THERE.<P>Yes, Plan A does apply, because your H has clearly had an emotional connection to someone outside the marriage. That means that something wasn't quite right at home. <P>Doesn't make you a bad person, or at fault, just means that there are some things you didn't attend to.<P>You are NOT going to be able to make him stop contact with this woman just because you say so, or because you are uncomfortable -- at least not until such time as you are filling enough of his needs that he doesn't need that outside connection anymore.<P>I went throught the same deal: "You don't want me to have any friends." "You think I'm cheating on you." Same deal. Been there, done that. You are NOT going to be able to order him around.<P>Repair your side of the marriage. Don't bug him about Marriage Builders techniques. My H doesn't even KNOW about them. Just do it. Stop the lovebusters. Take care of yourself. He probably isn't even aware that his connection is too close. <P>Yes, you do have to "suck it up" for a while. It's not fun. I fielded phone calls to my house where she ignored me and just asked for my H. I kept my mouth shut while he went drinking with her and their other co-worker/friends after work 3-4 nights a week and never invited me. I entertained her and a bunch of their other friends at my home, along with my co-workers and our neighbors. I kept my mouth shut while she asked my H to go see our cats IN OUR BEDROOM THAT I HAD SAID I WANTED NO ONE TO GO IN. I kept my mouth shut while he walked her out to her car and didn't return for 1/2 hour. I cut off my social life so I could be home. I put him first. <P>Ultimately, I wrote him a 2-page letter CALMLY detailing why I felt this friendship was different from his other friendships with women that he'd had over the years. I had done enough repair work by then that I think it got through.<P>It is now almost a year since her last call to our house. I think they are still in touch, but not as often. Do I trust completely? No. He has a Compuserve account that I don't access that he wants billed to him, since he's the only one that uses. Part of me wonders why. But at least I know now that I've taken care of feathering my own nest.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by personal:<BR><B>How did I become the bad guy.</B><P>You are not the bad guy.<P>You raised the issue of this spying situation on the the Other Issues board a few weeks ago, and I was accused of being a 'tad brusque' when I asked you "What's the goal, here?"<P>Correct me if I'm wrong, but you already nailed him about as completely as I've ever heard by engaging in an Internet EA with him by email, and then revealing your identity after he badmouthed your looks and tried to set up a date with your Internet persona. Pretty clever, I'd say... game, set, match. If that was to be an effective tactic, I don't think you could have implemented it better.<P>Of course, it entailed a total rupture of the Rule of Honesty, an act that can come with longterm consequences.<P>You are wondering about his reaction to that and to the coworker situation. The reality is, when you aren't in romantic love, the rules really don't apply anymore. So you are playing by the rules of a game that he is not even in any more.<P>So...what is the goal, here? To shame him into being a faithful loving husband? Works in some cases, maybe, if caught early on. But you tried that one already. Build a court case for divorce? Revenge? Shame him in front of his family, friends and coworkers?<P>I don't think so. I think what you want to do is rebuild the love in your marriage. This website is chock full of excellent advice on that. <P>It seems a common mistake, I did it too, is to start on the easy stuff, the ENs. It was only after I started counseling with Steve Harley that I refocused on the lovebusters. You might read up on that.<P>You can do it. Make him want to talk to you instead of someone on the internet. That person managed to be pretty interesting, wasn't she? Lively conversations? Sort of flirtatious? That was YOU!<P>There is no Plan C. It is Plan A until it is Plan B, and I don't think you are anywhere near Plan B.<P>Best Wishes,<P>Mike<P>