This is my second post for the evening but I am going crazy. I try to be nice and pleasent to H but then I remember the little lies, and "he's done with this topic" and it infuriates me. I am so hateful towards him. How do you get through this. Doesnt ignoring and keeping quiet lead to buried resentment? Maybe I am just not a nice person. My advice from everyone is be nice, dont bring up the OW, I am not sure I understand why. My book hasnt gotten here yet, HELP please. I am still recovering from his internet affair 2 months ago, where he trashed my looks and personality to OW. It was never a PA but it shattered my self image. Now this. I am so mad at him and now he is mad at me. Where do you put the anger?

Get lots of paper, write all the bad feelings out, then burn the paper. Don't leave it around for H to find, just write it all out.<P>Come here and vent too, but if you want to keep the marriage don't vent on him.<P>If he keeps denying everything stop telling him what you know, get proof, (print out emails whatever) and put it in a safe place. What I hate most are the lies ! The way we are made to question our own sanity when the A is in full force, we know something is going on but when we ask they deny deny deny ! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH !<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Dear P,<P>Hey, anger is still my specialty, so is jealousy. WHat I do most of the time is really try to be as ravishing as I can. I also try to get to more church meetings, read, come on to the MB site, and look around for exercises to do (running, aerobics, kickboxing, buy a punching bag, etc.).<P>My greatest indulgence is really to think of MY LIFE and live it well and full (still trying very hard). My baby helps to get me happy. I also surrender my anger back to Jesus. I think what is critical in your situation is getting a counsellor or church pastor to help you both deal with this mess. If he doesn't want to go, then you have to go alone and deal with the anger and get help and skills to deal with your situation.<P>You H trashed your looks, etc., and that reveals something about him and the way he sees the relationship. I think you need to write to him (since talking can't get both of you far) what and how you feel about the marriage and ask him to reply as to what he wants and needs from the marriage.<P>Try to exhale and get the anger out - you may be a good gardener (physical hobbies) - so that you do not internalise (can lead to cancer). Redirect the enerygy and refocus on ways you can save the marriage. <P>God bless you<BR>weep

I few things you may want to check out!<P><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><BR><B>Anger Management:</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800786467" TARGET=_blank><B>Getting the Best of Your Anger</B></A> by Les Carter <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000

Two suggestions: I'll agree with Bozos_Deb, write it out! I've kept a journal for a few months. Sometimes its angry ranting directed towards the W, sometimes its hopeful wishing about a girl I work with, heck, I even wrote a country song about it!<P>The second: Therapy! My insurance covers mental health, so a 15 dollar co-pay gets me an hour with a clinical psychologist. Quite a bargain, if you think about it.<BR>

Dear Personal:<P>Yes, IMHO, not dealing with your anger and hostility does lead to buried resentment.<P>It's important to find a constructive release for your anger. Here are some of the things that have helped:<BR>journaling, screaming at the top of my lungs with no one else around, jogging, yoga, push ups, sit ups, counseling, reading as much as I could regarding affairs, venting on this forum.<P>PLAN A ("being nice") is designed to somewhat take your mind off past problems and focus on PRESENT and how you can make NOW better (for BOTH of you). The idea is that after a few months, your spouse will "come around" and your resentment regarding the A will begin to lessen.<P>Apparently, others here will tell you that this works wonders. Unfortunately, for me, it only caused my resentment to build even further. When/if this happens, when you begin to lose all love for your H, the "game plan" is to switch to PLAN B--cut contact with your spouse until your spouse is ready to devote himself to you/marriage.<P>If you find that you are unable to control your emotions (anger, hatred, anguish) and feel that the only way possible, for YOU, to get peace is for your H to "share" (open himself up to you), then I believe you need to openly/honestly/calmly communicate this with him.<P>If after this discussion, you feel defeated--as if H will continue to "blow you off"--then you can set a time frame (MB suggests about 6 months)to strongly PLAN A with the hopes that your efforts will "pay off" by bringing open/loving communication back into your relationship. Or, if you feel you need to protect what little love you have left for your H, you can PLAN B immediately and break all contact with H until he is ready/willing to *return* to you/marriage. <P>Please note that PLAN B does not have to be "the end". After my open discussion with my H (and after only two weeks of PLAN A efforts), H was still being defensive/lying/bullying me. I was not up to PLAN A. So, I calmly informed him that he was to move out until he was ready to face/accept the truth of what he did and work on US. (I didn't write a letter--probably should have--but hadn't found this site yet back then).<P>My H never moved out. He decided, right then and there, that he would work on US. He agreed to attempt to give me what I needed in order to get past his affair (open honest communication, NO contact with OW, counseling, allowing me to be an equal partner in our marriage).<P>Even with H's agreement, it was still devastating to me. I can't begin to describe the anguish, withdrawal, and hopelessness I had to overcome--but then, I guess I don't have to <sigh>.<P>Some here would probably say that I "got lucky"...that I took a chance that could have backfired...that I "gambled" with the outcome of my marriage. That I should have PLAN A'd longer/harder/better, before moving straight to PLAN B. But for me, it felt right. For me, it WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. And, also, I was very <B>READY to accept the consequences</B> had H walked out the door for good. Something everyone who attempts PLAN B must consider may happen...and be ready to ACCEPT.<P>It's hard. Only YOU know what you're willing to tackle. Only you can decide when enough is enough. Remember to be true to yourself.<P>Peace, ~Marie

Personal,<BR>Writing everything out is great advice & I don't know how I would have gotten through it without my counselor & anti-deps. <P>I'd also add, work it out physically as well. A stomping good walk--in an area where you can talk outloud to yourself and no one sees your flailing arm motions is a bonus. Lifting weights, hitting something--a ball or punching bag, beating a rug. I found that a hard workout followed by a steam bath where for those few minutes of cloudy blindness I absolutely concentrated on having no thoughts other than "hot" got me through the worst of our separations. And my body benefitted from getting toned & losing weight as well.<P>Remember that processing your anger doesn't mean that you bury it, nor does it necessarily mean that you hash every grievance over with your H. In fact, what I have done is once I've written it down, I forgive that hurt/instance/situation. And when the thought of that comes around I dismiss it as something that is now forgiven and in the past. It's harder to do when your spouse is still hurting you. Forgiveness is not for your spouse, it is for you so that the unforgiveness/anger does not fester within you and turn to depression, despair or bitterness.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).