I replied on your anger post, but this is something else.<P>You don't have to stay in this marriage. Nope, not at all.<P>Okay, what did your gut just do in response to that? Did you think--but I want the marriage! Or did you think--thank God, I can get out! Or somewhere in between?<P>Since the profiles don't work, I'll give a thumbnail picture of my past couple years. H's affair with co-worker began 4/98. We've separated & reconciled in that time 7 times, he also broke off & resumed with her a few times. We've been back together since 5/00, and as of 8/00 he gave up his other house. I did Plan A for 18 months, sometimes very well, sometimes not well at all. And the 7th time he moved out, I disregarded Plan B & served divorce papers 3/00. So I know how "maybe it is time to get out" felt for me.<P>So, Personal, your mission is to decide what you would want, if it was totally up to you. Do you want your marriage? Do you want your Husband? Then set that as a goal for YOURSELF. You can't set goals for your husband unless he is a joint participant, but you can decide that you will love him and be the best wife to him that you can be (Plan A)--and that doesn't mean being a dormat, or just playing "nice" unless that is YOU. A lot of us have discovered that Plan A helped us focus on what is important to us and act accordingly, not according to whatever reactive emotion happened to be passing through our head. And if the marriage doesn't survive your efforts, at that point you KNOW you did your best and gave it all you could. <P>Had my marriage ended, I would have still had regrets, but I knew I had done everything I could. I was fortunate, when I gave up, my H realized all I had done to save the marriage, and he turned his life around and wooed me back with his own Plan A. It still took him 4-5 months before I would give him another chance (the almost 2 years of #1-6 burned me out pretty badly). <P>Hopefully your SURVIVING THE AFFAIR book will arrive soon, and read it. Post here with questions, vents, anger, situations and other posters will try to help.<P>I highly recommend counseling. One reason being it can be a safe place for you to discuss the things that anger you both without the situation getting ugly. The counselor keeps you on track & even "translates" what he hears going on between you, and what is reasonable, normal & what is going over the edge.<P>All that said, if you decided you don't want the marriage, leave him. But you still have to take care of the anger, hurt, pain & if you have any kids, you'll still see him regularly.<P>It isn't fair, but for awhile, you don't get an easy path, whether you want the marriage or choose against it.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).
