My H and i are in recovery after my unfaitfull encounter and after his nonsexaul unfaitful encounter. <BR>I'm so confused right now. I don't know if i'm doing anything right. I've read "his needs her needs" Had my husband fill out the questionaire of emotional needs and i did the same. IT's easy to identify what needs were/are not being met, but it's hard to start fulfilling those needs. I've asked him to make a blueprint for me to follow so that i can know exactly what his needs are and how to go about fulfilling them. But he keeps saying that he needs time, or that he wants to wait for the weekend to do these things and that i am rushing things too fast for him. This is from a man who struggled and hung on to me when i was having an affair. This is from a man who read every book and made numerous posts here on marriage builders and implemented Plan A and then Plan B on me. Now, there is another woman whom he says is just friends but who he has a great physical attraction to and has kissed. He has vowed not to see her anymore, talk to her etc. But the very same week that he gave up emotionally, is the same week that he met her. So, i'm trying to put PLan A into action and trust that he is not seeing her anymore. But i don't know who she is, where she lives, what she looks like, NOTHING. She's a ghost. In any case, he assures me he is not seeing or talking to here any longer. We've moved into the stage of telling one another our needs. He' says he's easy going and that he has pretty much been happy with me in our 9 year marriage. I have not. I've tried to tell him that i didn't have my emotional needs met but that it wasn't his fault. I never said anything to him about my needs and as a result i fell out of love with him but still loved him and had an affair. Because i break down and cry at the drop of a pin, he says that he makes me miserable. I don't know what he is trying to tell me by this statement. I tell him that no, he is not making me miserable, i just want to feel loved by you, If you give me affaction ( and i give him examples) i will feel loved and secure and won't be an emotional wreck. I understand that he is hurt and i try to take the brunt of most of his words that can make my heart feel so heavy. <BR>Last night i broke down again as i always do when we have marital conflict. I burst into tears again, but i tried to hide it by going to the balcony. I don't have control over my emotions or my crying. He approached me and told me he couldn't stand this anymore. All of the crying and me falling to pieces and being insecure was too much for him. I asked if he could meet my need for affection to help me overcome my insecurities and told him this would help me feel loved and possibly stop the crying. He says yes but i still feel resistance. He says yes, but in the same breath he says he wants time, he has a busy work schedule and wants to focus on his work to get his career on track since he has been a stay at home dad for 4 years while i worked and supported him, our children and his two girsl from a previous marriage. He says he needs to do this because i have a better career then him and make a considerable amount more than him. I can understand this. I've only been graduated from college since 1997. I think the fact that i accelerated in such a short amount of time career wise while he has worked for over 15 years and makes less than me is a big problem for him. Unfortunately, we cannot afford for me to stay home. So i need to work. I have agreed to let his work schedule dictate when we make time for our relationship. If i fight this it ends up in an argument. He said i had my 4 years to grow and now it's his turn to grow.<BR>Am i doing the right thing by agreeing to wait or should i push forward on the needs and meeting one anothers needs? He says by my pushing this issue and crying i make myself more unappealing to him. Should i stop trying so hard and let him come to me. I'm afraid if i stop trying to resolve our problems i will give up hope if this continues. But if i don'tpushing for reconciliation that i will look even less appealing to him. I feel as though i'm in a no win situation. If i push ahead to resolve our problems, i also push him away. If i don't push ahead than nothing will get resolved. I don't know what to do. It seems he needs time and time to focus on his career. What in the world am i supposed to do. Should we seek professional cousel. Or will this push him further away if he is not ready. Everyting i say to him infuriates him. No matter how i try to be sensative to what i say. I can never say the right thing anymore. I feel like giving up at times but if i tell him this, he tells me to go ahead if that's what i want to do. So i have to keep my feelings inside. I want to hang on and fix everything. But how long is it humanly possible to feel emotinally rejected from someone without giving up? I get the impression that he wants me to suffer and he wants to punish me the same amount of time that he suffered during my affair. 7 months. Should i assume this correct and suffer for 7 months. Can this plan work? I don't know much about the human psyche, and i don't know what to do. My husband is not very clear about his needs no matter how much i ask him. He only tells me that falling apart is not the answer. How do i not fall apart when i am broken inside and feel my resources for solving our problems are not sufficient to solve the problem. <P>Has anyone encountered this? Is ther hope because he is still here? What am i to do?<P>I just don't know what to do............:<

That was quite a mouthful...so to speak. You are obviously dealing with a very volatile situation here. <P>Question for you...not sure if I caught this in your post...how long since your affair ended and did you have any withdrawl from the man you were seeing?<P>There is a lot of 'baggage' here and you will most likely need to get some counsel to help you both untangle all this. It's hard to pinpoint what he...or you may feel on any given day, as there is a host of emotional dips and bumps you cannot avoid hitting.

aandre,<P>There is a lot in your post and I don't have much time today, but let me say a few things and then later perhaps touch on more things.<P>First, you have it wrong. You say you don't feel loved. Do you have any idea how that statement hurts him? It hurts him to the core.<P>He stayed with you through your affair. He fought to keep the marriage together, to regain your love. He endured a considerable amount of pain and a tremendous blow to his self esteem. WHY??<P>Because he loved you. But you are telling him "well all that is great, but I don't feel loved." He is sitting there thinking: "If she doesn't see what I did and went through for her as love, what the heck have I got to do? Commit suicide? "<P>You respond but I need love like I want it. True, but you got even deeper love and you don't seem to appreciate it. You are crying all of the time. He doesn't interpret crying as something you do if you are happy with him.<P>aandre, he is real close to giving up and you are not helping by not recognizing love when you have it. Please think about the message you are sending to him.<P>Now lets talk about the job. He was a stay at home Dad. He did this to support you and the family. He may of liked some of it,but he surely was not highly repected for doing it. Women are respected for being good stay at home Mothers, men are not. Not in this society. So inspite of this the affair occurs. Your choice here. The marriage was both of your creation, but you get full credit for the affair.<P>Now, he realizes that he must work. He cannot trust you and as you said you all cannot live on what he is making. Solution work harder and make more money. Why? He isn't sure you will be around. In your own post you express great skeptism that the marriage will last. You tell him that as well. You say you might leave.<P>Where does he hang his hat??? He has done something that many men or women would never do. He stuck with you through the affair. I'll bet dollars to donuts that you were not even civil to him during this period. You probably said some pretty awful things and did worse. That is the nature of affairs. The betrayed spouse takes a real beating.<P>So where are we? You have an H that loved you enough to endure your affair and you say he doesn't show love enough. Fair statement, but it doesn't acknowledge what he has done and shown you for almost a year.<P>You want to solve all of the marriage problems now. Sorry no can do. Time and patience aandre. THat is you only hope. You worry that his new dedication to work will not allow enough time to rebuild and specifically for him to show you love. Well, there is the trust issue. It will take months before he feels secure enough to reach out like you want and to not be working in fear that he will come home and find you gone or in the middle of another affair.<P>You mentioned that he hasn't seemed to illucidate his needs well, his were being met he says. In a pigs eye. He just doesn't want to open up right now because he is afraid of being hurt again. Besides his number one need is to regain trust in you and have you trust him.<P>Read your posting again, neither of you trust each other much. Perfectly normal.<P>aandre, you are expecting all to stop to fix this mess right now. The sooner the better which is true, but it takes time to heal. You have made some hugh gashes in your H's self esteem and his feelings. They must heal, just as you had to go through withdrawal from the OM.<P>So please stop and think. Please understand the pain and lack of trust is normal. And finally please understand he does love you and that it takes time for all of the wounds to heal: for both you and him.<P>Hope something I said is of help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

sometimes it is easier to cut off your emotions and or find someone to fill them because you are hurting and don't know what to do with the pain it may be his way of dealing with it .<BR>it isn't right and it isn't going to help your relationship but you both will have to make a commitment 100% to each other if you are ever gonna get back to the love .<P>Every day counts <P>Every day is an opportunity to make your life the way you want it to be. Anything is possible when you work toward it, one day at a time. Skip a day, and you lose momentum. Try to do it all at once, and you burn out.<P>Steadily, consistently work, making every day count, and you will reach your goals. Today is a chance to grow -- to do a little bit more than you did yesterday, a little bit better, a little bit more effectively. Anyone can do a little more, learn a little more, and grow a little more each day. Soon, with consistent effort, those "little bits" add up to major accomplishments.<P>Is there something you want to change? Today is the day to start changing it. Do you want the love you deserve make it .Do you need to lose weight? Today is the day to start doing it. Not next Monday or next month -- today. You deserve to reach your goals as soon as possible. Control today and you control your life. <P>peace love and happiness<BR>IMBC<BR>