I get so confused on here as to who is or who isn't recovering and surviving.<P>We (H and I) are recovering and in doing so we are surviving and I would like to ask you some surviving questions. We get better every day, with the exceptions of my blatant withdrawal moods every now and then. We deal with them fairly well now. Much better than a month or two or three ago. We have had only a few major setbacks.<P>I sometimes don't want to talk about surviving on this board b/c I feel guilty knowing so many others are suffering so badly and I don't want to sound like a braggert. Did you feel this way?<P>Do you think it is a bad idea or unhealthy for my relationship to continue to visit this board? I still relate to so many posts and feel the need to share my experience or give advice as needed, but sometimes reading all of this brings me down or can instigate one of my mood swings. Do you understand what I'm saying? <P>I love all of the friends I have made on this board and I don't want to abandon them.<P>Please answer me if you get the chance!! Thanks so much...<P>It is really quiet on this board tonight!!!<BR>Cathy

I'm not Lostva, but as someone who's marriage is thriving after a long time of just trying to get to recovery, I think I might be able to answer.<P>The Recovery Board in the Infidelity Forum was created for many of the reasons you've cited--a place where couples could go to talk about the problems of reconciliation without feeling like those problems are *small* in comparison to those who are newly discovering the affair or struggling with ongoing unfaithfulness. There are also other forums for conflict & emotional needs. I stay here because there's a little less background explaining to do.<P>There are times reading posts can trigger memories or bad feelings. I personally have had to stay away from posts directly on the OW--for awhile the anger was too much to think of her again. But, when you find yourself triggered, check yourself, what is going on within you? Is that an area you need to work on--or put in the past & ignore completely? You can use those feelings to further your own healing.<P>I know there have been times I've read posts about similar situations that my H put me in and suddenly I want to go thump him and for me it usually something I hadn't completely resolved. He needs no thumping, he's giving our marriage everything he has.<P>I know that success stories from HGBrawner, Laurie C, Kat, and others helped me make it through some tough times when I had no hope for my marriage. I think the board needs hope and even for those of us who are re-making our marriages, it's good that we realize "happily ever after" has a few bumps (issues!) as well.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Catplay,<P>I'm not Lostva either, so where is she?<P>I agree with Lor. I am not usually mentioned in any "list" of successes despite the fact that we are a big success. I've often wondered why I'm always ommitted.<P>Maybe it's because while I come here to offer help, I still come to vent as well. I think Lostva unintentionally leaves the impression that they lived happily ever after because it is not her STYLE to come here and vent since she's been in recovery.<P>I want to do so much more than SURVIVE. My h was dumped by a girl he lived with before we met. She would not even speak to him about why. It took him about two years to feel like he was surviving and reentering normal life, BUT he did not deal with the issues (almost impossible when you can't even talk to the other person).<P>He brought that baggage along to our marriage. I need to do more than survive!<P>It was reading Phil McGraw's book "Life Strategies" that I started seeing clearly the unhealthy patterns I have been repeating (and so has my h and all the rest of MB).<P>I need to heal from this and other deep wounds I have never addressed so I can be whole and happy. I finally realized that there is nothing my h can do to speed this up. It's a journey I must take. He can support me (and if you read my latest on my thread, he has in a marvellous way), but I have work to do on my own healing.<BR>

As someone who is still in the middle of the mess I just wanted to say that I appreciate hearing about any success stories you all post. It's funny that I don't feel at all envious, just so happy for anyone that makes progress. It gives me hope. On days that I don't want to feel hope, I just avoid the recovery type posts.<P>Hope comes in many forms. Sometimes I even go over to the divorced boards because they seem to be doing better than anyone else here. They give me the other side of hope...that even if I do end up divorced, I will survive and be a better person.<P>I real almost ever post, and appreciate the similarities in our lives...and the differences. I was lucky enough to meet, in person, someone from these boards yesterday. Our stories were similar in a lot of ways and I left feeling so much less alone, less crazy, stronger.<P>Please keep posting Catplay. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I sit here on my computer with a big smile when I see someone start the recovery process. It means that this works...and for now, I'll continue to hope.<P>allison

Hi, guys, I still pop in!!!<P>You've got all the good answers already. From some of the best.<P>Robert and I have had a few setbacks too. Most of them were really MY issues, I think. I talk about them most of the time in monthly updates, but Schizzo's right, (Hi, Honey! I KNOW what a success you guys are! ) it's my style to talk to folks AFTER I've sorted through my messes! Oh, well.<P>I don't visit the board nearly so oftne. But there are a lot of reasons. The first is time....I just don't have it anymore with Robert home...there are other, more important things to do now, like sleep. I didn't do much of that in the middle of the mess, now I do, so I don't have all night, like before. See, in case no one ever noticed, I tend to be a bit long-winded...and I've had quite a few posts on this board to date (I don't EVEN want to look!). I stop by a couple of times a week to look for old friends...I'll start reading, I'll get involved, I'll look up and 4 hours have passed! I can't help it...nope, it's kinda like my cigarette habit, I just gotta be strong. And THAT makes me feel guilty. 'Cause I remember what Kat1, Lonestar and Petunia, all those guys who made it through gave me strength... and I wish I could do it for everyone else too. So I try to find balance. I pop in every now and then with an update, or a self-revelation if I have one and hope that helps someone. Secondly, if I'm in a bad mood, (which would mean I might want to vent) everyone's stories DEPRESS me and make me worse, so I stay away. <P>Like you, there are people I have gotten really close to, they are my family now. And we do keep in touch.<P>Isn't it amazing how slowly and then how quickly things can change and get better? I think you guys are doing great....post if you need and want to, don't when you feel it's taking too much of your time or energy. <P>The hardest lesson I had to learn about the board?<P>I love being here. It saved my life. The friends I have made here, the people who have passed through will all have a very special place in my heart forever and I will be grateful forever. They are my family. I wish I could give back. And, for those I became closest to, I try very hard to be there if called upon. But I had to come to understand that now, until we are completely and absolutely healed, no matter how good things SEEM to be with us, I cannot let anything interfere, emotionally or time-wise, with the building of our new marriage. I think my friends would be disappointed in me if I did. I think I'll realize once we reach the stage that I can get more involved here again...sometimes I think we're almost there...doesn't feel like such work anymore, more like just "living". But I know we need more time. I get carried away on the board and I can't let go...so I just ease up a lot.<P>Don't know if I helped or not. Keep up the good work...I know you guys'll be just great!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi Cathy:<P>This board is like a lifeline to sanity...a lifeline you can use whenever you need it...a place to rent and rave where someone understands...when everyone else has long gotten tired of listening to you...to commiserate with those whose pain you understand and celebrate with others who's joy you feel vicariously. <P>After six months here I find myself so much stronger that I don't need the constant support I needed at first...so I just come and read and reply a bit each day...more so when things aren't going well, less when they are. So I find myself reawakening to life...to accepting that life will on no matter what happens to my marriage. <P>So come here as long and as often as you need, take what you need and give back what you can, and through you and I and all the others this lifeline will continue to reach out for others in the future. <P>Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 06, 2000).]

Oh how beautiful are you all!!!<P>Thanks so much for your loving and kind words of encouragement and hope.<P>I do feel much more optimistic about my marriage now than I did in July or whenever I became a member here.<P>It has been a long road to hoe, believe me. I have made so much progress and can deal with so many issues and even resolve them without going to pieces and turning into a bowl of mush.<P>The turning point was most recently, about three weeks or so ago. My H had several close calls within the last few months with the law and possible DUI charges, all of which he came out of smelling like a rose, as usual. The last time he got stopped, he was talking to me on his cell phone when he got pulled. We hung up and I expected him to call later, from the detention center, to post his bail. <P>I stood in the living room, looking out the window and begged the Lord (as cruel as this may seem) to please get him off the streets, have him arrested so I could deny his reguest for bail, so he could realize what a mess he is in. But no, here he comes down the hill and around the curve to home. I hate to say this, but I was so disappointed.<P>I was disappointed because I knew if he didn't get caught, he would never get help for this problem. Until he gets help for the big AL.,we will never be able to live our married life to it's full potential. He loves big Al more than me.<P>He made a vow that night that he would stop drinking. Oh yeh, I've heard that one many, many times. He not only has quit drinking, he also wrote OW that no-contact letter to the very best of his ability, he does the ten-second kiss with me all the time (11 year old loves it), he sends me sweet little e-mail notes, he tells me he loves me every chance he gets. I could go on and on with the small favors he is doing. I think he has seen the light people!!!<P>I have been ecstatic to say the least, some apprehension from me, because I've heard the stopped drinking routine so many times, but this time he told me a guardian angel was with him that night and it scared him to think about how he is living his life.<P>This weekend will be four weeks since that dreadful incident that has obviously changed his life and therefore, it will change mine.<P>I have alot of hard work to do to show him how much I appreciate him and what he is doing for us.<P>Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be back to bxxch about something, ok.<P>Love all of you!!!<P>Cathy