*<p>[This message has been edited by lighthouse (edited October 10, 2000).]

Wow, what a thread! As with several others, I have been on BOTH sides of the fence. My first marriage was a mistake from the day I met ex#1(we WERE too young). She had several "affairs" prior to us being married, but we married anyway. So, later in the (short) marriage, I too had my affair. The affair happened during my being stationed overseas, and when all the dust settled, I lost a wife and two kids. It was a pain that, to this day, I feel and it hurts as bad as the day it happened. Not so much for the loss of the marriage, but for my stupidty of causing the loss of the marriage. It is that pain of 20 years ago, that kept me faithful to two more wives, even though BOTH of them would turn out not faithful to me. Wife #2 was a worse mistake than wife #1, and I won't bore you with all the gory details, but she had 2 abortions during our 10 year marriage.....and they WERE NOT my children. Wife #3, started out as "....the woman I had been looking for all my life....", but..........she too, wandered away, and that brought a NEW pain to me never felt before in my life. <P>I do NOT feel that the "....once a cheater, always a cheater..." is ALWAYS valid, although I DO believe that there are people in this world who DO meet that criteria.

Jo,<P>I too made vows for better or for worse that were based on another vow, that being fidelity. The day my wife cheated was the day she broke our vows, our covenant. To this day I am not wearing my wedding ring because that covenant has been broken. For better or worse is one thing, to enable a person to continue to hurt and destroy you is another and one that Scripture does not even ask us to put up with

Hello everyone,<P>I believe that my husband has had only one affair, but I feel as if I was cheated on twice because he promised to end it a year ago, but didn't. Therefore I have had two discoveries of the same affair.<P>Many of the posters here have identified various behaviors and/or reasons for the affair. It seems to me that as long as the behavior does not change or the reasons are not resolved, cheating is probably going to reoccur. It also seems that many times the other person is just a convenient partner rather than the impetus for the affair, so as long as there are others willing to be the OP, it makes sense that the cheating would continue.<P>For example, my husband has a need to have his ego stroked and to feel superior to his partner. As long as he has this need and there is some brainless, bleached blonde, young flirt willing to meet it, he would probably continue to cheat. Fortunately, through counseling he is coming to recognize this need for what it is, and redirect it in other ways that are appropriate in marriage.<P>Just my theory, but I think there is something to it.<P>Peppermint

I've read the how to end an affair but still have problems. My H was involved with an employee. He is high management. He says he can not ask her to leave because it could be sexual harasshment. He has over 30 yrs in service. we are 5 yrs from retirement. They are together everyday and are alone for several hrs a day. We have bought retirement home, he says it is over and I should learn to deal with it. But everyday he leaves this house at 5:30am to work and I know that she will be there that morning it as though someone has put a knife in my heart. I sometimes get physically sick on the alternate days I know she is alone until 7:00am with him. She used him because her husband treats her so bad and she wants a divorce. I have tried to be trusting about this and strong. I can not continue to feel like this. I have been married 35 years and love my H more than I could ever express. I can forgive, but it is as though I have to face the situation everyday. If I know she is working in the afternoons, then if he is even 5 minutes late I become upset . He says that it is impossible to arrange schedule any other way as he only has 2 people to do the clerk work and he must assist them so it is either together before opening hours or after closing hours?? What do you do when the have no contact or ever see lover again is not a possible?

Why do I stay? Because it's my home and my kids live there. They deserve to live with parents who love them - and ideally, those loving parents should love each other. While I must admit my loving feelings are waning, I do my best to be a loving parent and husband every minute of the day.<P>If she wants to go, she knows where the door is. I won't stand in her way. If she wants to stay, I'll continue to plan A my heart out. She's still with me. <P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Why stay...<P>I certainly have been asking myself that a lot recently.<P>In my case, H is addicted to sex. He has "only" had one PA and a multitude of internet and phone sex partners. I guess it's where he turned instead of drugs or alcohol to "medicate" a life he sees as less than perfect.<P>I guess I stay because I keep thinking if <B>I</B> can see that, surely he can, too. If he kept falling off the wagon if he had an alcohol problem I think I'd stay and I try to look at this the same way. Besides, we have a little boy who I think would benefit from growing up in a two-parent home.<P>Of course, there are limits. He has reached the end of mine. I am hoping he seeks treatment. Otherwise, we're going to end up in the divorce statistics. If it weren't for our son, we would already be there.<P>All the bset. --HBC

HBC<P>If it weren't for our kids I'm sure alot of us would be single right now for sure! I hope things get better for you<P>Jeremy