I'm feel as if I'm back to square one. I'm writing this inbetween a fit of crying bouts on the couch. Please bear with me. I babble alot, but need help. I feel as if I'm back in the first weeks of discovery. The images of them together and the rawness of the feelings of the discovery are back. <BR>I feel defeated. My H has gone to a therapy session alone, I also wrote him a three page letter describing the pain he caused from what he did, the affects, why I am hurt, betrayed, resentful, and what I need to move on. It was wonderfully written, brutally honest, and I expected some sort of response.<BR>I gave him the letter, and he never said a word. He said that it was all stuff he already knew, and didn't feel he had anything different to imput on the subject. He wasn't nasty in his response just honest, (and his response came after I brought up if he had read it.) <BR>I will try to keep this brief, but as you know, that is hard for me. There are many issues. The things that are bothering me today are...I feel that my H hasn't taken full responsibility for the affair. He says that it was him and only him that actually pulled his pants down and did this, but our problems with affection and intimacy put him in the vulnerable position to be so weak. Am I crazy? I feel as if he is trying to make himself feel better by saying there was a reason he was there.Is he trying to justify it? I feel that no matter what was going on he just shouldn't have gone there. He went out had unprotected sex, produced a child. All because I was unaffectionate?!?! And unfortunately, I am not the type of person who can just let this all go. I fear that I will not be able to move forward until he claims full responsibility for the affair. (I know that we had problems pre-affair, and do take responsilbility for them and am prepared to work on them) He needs to stop saying that he realizes he is reponsible for the affair and adding on, "but if we hadn't been having any problems..."<BR>The other thing is that I need him to show me he loves me. He says by the fact that he is doing things that he never would do, therapy, talking until the wee hours, sharing our private lives with family, walking on eggshells around me, chasing me down to give a kiss or hug, snuggling at night (these last two without getting much in return) are all things he never would have done. I see these things and they do show me that he loves me, and wants me ,doesn't want to lose me. I keep telling him I need more. He asks me what, I tell him, a card, flowers, candles, a night of snuggling with candles, for him to start a conversation of what is on his mind...all would be nice, and some of the things such as card would be productive for me because at my dark moments I could bring it out and it would calm me. But now after months of lengthly conversations I begining to feel as if they would not have the same affect. Would he be doing them a out of obligation? He is constantly calling me materialistic because he says these are tangible things put into my hands, and the other things that he does he feels I do not see or appreciate. I have tried to explain that its not the physical thing, but the thought and the gesture behind it.<BR>My therapist called me and asked how I was doing today(Oddly enough, I was previously on the phone calling around to find someone else)and she said that she is under the same impression I am, that he hears what everyone is saying, yet doesn't agree, and seems like the personality type that its hard for him to accept things like this and change. Am I just to accept that he doesn't understand and I am to compromise my feelings in order to move on? In all of this I say I love him and and deep down inside I do,can't imagine my life without him, but I begining to feel a fear inside of me that I can't live like this either, feeling as if I had only done things differently, the affair wouldn't have happened. I do want to work things out for us and our children. My therapist says that I can not make any rational decisions about the future because we don't know how much of my thoughts are due to the situation, and that I am due to have our baby in 25 days and very hormonal.<BR>I get aggravated and jealous that if he thinks I'm having a good day that he comes home from work and is happy, plays with the kids, and all day I have been crying, yelling at the kids, and trying to keep up with life because it just doesn't stop for things like this(school, meals, baths, bills) and just keep moving.<BR>I know no decisions can be made right now, I will continue counseling and plan to begin medication for depression as soon as the baby is born, but are there any ideas on how to talk to him, help him to see what I am saying, and help him to understand that I'm scared of losing him, but at the same time, need more from him, different than what he is giving. That even though he thinks he is doing all the right things that it isn't enough. Or am i just expectiing too much from him and need to move past and forgive him? <BR>Sorry about the length of this post. I don't post often, and when I do I have just so much to say...Thanks for getting thru tis post if you did.<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited October 05, 2000).]

NGU,<P>I just wanted you to know I read your post and I am just so sorry that you are going through all of this, especially with a baby on the way.<P>We have to remember...most of all, that we can only control our own actions and thoughts. Wishing that he would meet your needs is so natural, but frustrating, because he just can't right now. You will have to turn to a dear friend, a relative, someone you are close to to help you through the next bit of time before you deliver. After, get on those anti-depressents asap, they are not a "miracle cure", but many here will attest to how much they've helped.<P>Please let go of the expectations you may have concerning your husband. It's a hard thing to say, but if you expect nothing, you won't be dissapointed. I just treat my husband like an insane person right now...like a teenager. I just listen and nod and agree. Resilient taught me that trick. Just about anything out of their mouth is going to hurt you, so be prepared and steel yourself anyway you can.<P>The affair was NOT your fault. Sure, we all know what we shoulda woulda coulda done...but it's in the past now...you have the opportunity to make the changes now. Yep, so does he, but he has to do it on his time schedule not yours.<P>I wish I could say somthing that would help you. YOu are not back to square one, you have learned so much, you will never be able to go back there.<P>Next time you want to write a letter to your husband, that's great..write it, and then take it in the back yard and burn it. Do a little pregnancy-crazy woman dance around it as it burns...can't hurt. Take care, there is so much at stake here. Try, if you can to find a sense of humor...I read the post about what every betraying spouse/mid-life crisis person says to their spouse, and it did crack me up. They are nuts NGU!! But you get to be the sane one here...<P>Sorry so long.<P>allison

NGU-<P>I have been there many days myself. The days you cry like a child because you cannot hold back the flood! I have had so many set backs, that I seem to hit one of those every two weeks. <P>We both realize we have probs, but you know what? My H is the one who was behaviorally(base behavior) unable to tell me his needs or express to me when he was dissatisfied with the marriage, or my weight, or whatever it was. <P>He ran from confrontation, he ran from unpleasantness, he ran from stressful situations even from the stress of parenting. He ran away a long time before the A started. <P>But the Catch 22 here is the worse he felt, the worse he treated me and made me depressed, the worse I would be(anger, weight gain-basic bit**)The more I was this way, the more he returned negative behavior until we just weren't friends any more! We are both at fault, but i think he can take 75% of the blame. Low self esteem on both our parts was a real problem. He could not recognise his emotions, though. He has suppressed them for so long. <P>And HE IS the one who through up his hands and flirted with disaster(and went through with it.)

Burnedspouse:I'm so glad you responded. I was getting worried about you.How are things going? Things here are status quo. I'm going to make this short. I'm tired and having a hard time typing. I had a sort of breakthru tonite and am going to post a new thread. Please let me know how things are and an update.<BR>az allison:All you said is true and really hit home for me. I think it gave me a renewed strength in that it gave me a new perspective.<BR>