I would like to hear what BS or WS have to say about behavior of WS as they come out of the fog, and their fantasy starts breaking up. Also, what sort of timeline existed from the time the fantasy started breaking till they opened up and wanted to work on the marriage, if that was the outcome.<P>My WS wife is acting somewhat strange these last few days, relative to the past months. There is some evidence that things with OM are not as they once were, and there are little glimmers of interest in me but sometimes also she is just in a real bad mood. Any comments appreciated. I'm not getting my hopes up, but just in case I'd be curious to know what to expect in a fog clearing situation. Thanks.

Hi Rick37,<BR>Timeline: Jan '99 - Feb ' 99 - Withdrawal by spouse. Same time his "friend" was getting ready to leave his office for a new job. REAL high cell phone bill.<BR>Jan '99 Son's b-day party. OW's D invited. At party, H and OW sit together, shoulder toshoulder, talk non-stop. The mother of a child who was invited tells me she looked at the OW in the face and had noticed the long conversation, and the OW averted her eyes. My friend thought it was suspicious.<BR>March '99- We made love<BR>April '99- Our son confidentially tells me ("I don't like to visit OW's house because Dad is nicer to her D than to me" and explained the event. I recalled it; I was there. Tried to put a neutral explanation on it for our S but he didn't buy it.)<BR>May '99 - OW's children have 3 events to which I and son are not invited. Only H.<BR>June '99 - Her birthday. He takes her to dinner.<BR>June '99. Failed attempt to make love.<BR>End of June '99. We celebrate "businesslike" anniversary dinner. NO ROMANCE><BR> OW takes new job away from his office.<BR>July '99 - OW's grandfather dying in hospital.<BR>July '99. D day. "I don't love you. Passion is gone. I want to leave and live alone after our S is grown. No marriage counseling, not interested. Yes, I'm in love with someone else, but it's not the way you mean it. Yes, it's a romance, but not the way you mean it."<BR>July ' 99 - Aug '99 Very black period. H cold, cruel, withdrawn, I say "Let's get the 4 grownups together, OWH, OW, you, me, and talk it out." He refuses. Says OW is not the problem. Doesn't want to involve them. [!!!] <BR>Sept. ' 99 Despondency, grief, OW e-mails H offering to watch our S while he takes me out for my birthday. This is also the 2 year anniversary of my finding his letter to the OW and one of the blow-ups we had. I refuse to celebrate my b-day with him.<BR>Oct. '99 grief, pain, withdrawal<BR>Nov. '99 H visits his Bro out of town. I ask him to talk to Bro because I think he's depressed. he does not. SIL notices my H's depressed state, comments to Bro. I write Bro to ask him to talk to H about depression.<BR>He does, H furious at me for "worrying my Bro." further convinced that this is proof that I don't love him, don't care about his feelings.<BR>Dec. '99 Horrible month. Of course we can't get together with OW and her family because if they were to ask us, I would be really impossible and let the cat out of the bag.<BR>Jan '99 - S and I were kicked and punched by a mental patient on the street. I have the attacker arrested, calm my son down, we try to enjoy our day off but at end of day my H phones from car to say that he'll be late coming home. I insist on knowing why. OW has an urgent need for him to look at legal papers for her deceased relative and this is the only night she is available. S asks why, at 9:30 p.m., Dad isn't home because he wants to tell him about the attack. I say "I don't know". I realize I just may be a single parent since I just handled a real crisis without help from my H. <BR>Jan '99 I realize H has crossed my bottom line on 2 counts - not being here when S neeeded him, and running off to help OW without seeing whether I/we needed him. Decide to consult atty about separation. Do not tell H.<BR>Jan '00 He asks if we can try again. I pin him down as to exactly what he means. He stutters "Whatever it takes. Counseling?" <BR>I cry.<BR>I tell him I don't want OW's D invited to our S's b-day party this year. {I can't tolerate another 3 hours of watching OW and my H talking non-stop to each other.] The noble OW asks my H to stop by her office so she can hand him a wrapped gift for our S's b-day, even though her D is not being invited. H tells me "Now you've offended OW's D!" The little girl has an active social life and missing my S's party isn't going to put a crimp into it. It does however spare me the pain of watching the two of them in their little warm bubble of mutual admiration.]<BR>March '00 Begin counseling. Goes badly. I remove & lock up my wedding ring. I find MB. <BR>Apr. '00 More counseling. I order & read the books. H not at all interested in the MB ideas.<BR>I find support for the reality of EA's. <BR>May '00 I blow up at him. Demand who he loves more - OW or me. and more. He calls me on cell phone from theatre, "I love you more than anyone else." I think but do not say "When the hell did THAT happen?" <BR>It took about 6 months for the fog to begin to lift, but it isn't constant. There hasn't been any steady clearing since Jan '00 and I'm still "mean, selfish, <BR>[sorry, I had to post quickly because our S was coming in and out of the room]<BR>To continue: This May, as last May, H had things on the calendar to do with OW's children. He cancelled them, in order not to have me get upset. he blames me for "hurting her children and making me do something that is wrong; by hurting her children and not accepting their invitations to their important events".<P>So now I'm a person who hurts children! What a thing. <P>What 's the end of the story Lora? I don't know. We're still in counseling. I don't believe the fog lifts very much. He has done some things, said some things, which are purely cosmetic in nature, but nothing essential has changed.<P>All that has changed is my behaviors. Also, since D day, I won't go along with pretending to accept this BestFriendship anymore, paste a smile on my face and be the far end of the triangle. <P>Any more fog-lifting (or not lifting) stories? <P><BR>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited October 06, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited October 06, 2000).]

<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited October 06, 2000).]

Hey bellevue, <BR>I'm awaiting the end to your post.<BR>Lora

I'm also hoping to see the end of your story....Anyone else have fog clearing stories to share?

OK - here's mine<P>May 99 - Aug 00 - A begins. H is all of a sudden, "out with the boys" on a twice weekly basis. Says he finally met a crowd that he can have fun with, and is happy now that he "has a life" Each night when he comes home to a crying me, says he is getting it out of his system and it will end soon. <P>End of Aug - H shows up at 4:30am, and I find obvious signs of sexual encounter. He says it was a one night stand, and begs forgiveness. Unbeknownst to me, he and OW try to end A, but he still sees her every day at work. <P>Sept is a good month, H is at home & affectionate. By end of month however, arguements increase and "nights out with the boys" resume. The A is back on. <P>Oct - Dec. H grows more argumenitive and despondant. A continues, but I still am not sure what is really going on. <P>Jan 00- new evidence points to co-worker as Aug "one night stand". H confesses all, and tells OW it is over. <P>mid Feb - 3 weeks since d-day and a few half hearted counseling sessions, H says he can't get over her and wants to leave. I say OK.<BR>4 days later, he says he has made up his mind to stay with me. Withdrawal begins, and he is still working with her. <P>Feb-April - he keeps his word about ending A, but OW is still in his face and pulling at him to change his mind. Many hysterical incidents on her part. A comes out in the open at work, and she is transferred to another site. H is totally depressed about the whole mess.<P>April 2000 - she is finally gone, and the real withdrawal sets in. H becomes distant, resentful, angry. I need reassurance, but he is too caught up in his own depression to give it to me. We travel for 3 weeks, which helps alot. <P>May 2000 - Anniversary month. Very painful for me, H is still distant, resentful. He can't talk about A at all, or comfort me. <BR>I discover this web site and start plan A<P>mid June - after several weeks of plan A, <BR>fog starts to lift slightly - H starts being more affectionate, seems happier at home, starts sharing conversation with me again.<BR>We still can't talk about A with out emotional blow ups though.<P>End of July - really makes it out of the fog 95% - starts to admit his brain was "messed up" during A, that what he felt was an illusion, that he no longer loves her, is over her etc. <P>Aug - Sep - pretty much back to normal, seems happy, but still doesn't want to talk about the A, says its something he wants to forget. I think there is still some stuff floating around his brain, but he is 99%<BR>better, and seems genuinely happy about his life, the future. We read and agree about "rules for recovery" and discuss our emotional needs lists. Not completely healed, but definitely and solidly on the road to recovery. <P> <p>[This message has been edited by Everhopeful (edited October 06, 2000).]