Quoting Helen Reddy songs... ah, we're co-dependent all right! LOL<P>I love you Dylan...<P>You are truly one of the most beautiful, thoughtful, lovely people I have had the pleasure to know.<P>Reading you is better than any novel, and you speak what I wish I could say.<P>Sheryl

Dylan, How wonderful to talk to you. You do understand what I stumble to put into clumsy words. I used to express myself more fluidly before I became an accountant. LOL. My boss didn't like inventories "flowing in and out" and stuff like that...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have NEVER felt like the priority in ANYONES' life..not even in my parents' lives...it has left me a selfish being because if I cannot be the priority elsewhere, I will prioritize myself...but it still leaves one feeling empty..like a shell that should really have more substance...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have never BEEN a priority in anyone's life, and can prove it with the facts. Since, I was 5, I have had no one to talk to about what is going on inside me...maybe that is why I place giving this to my 5 yr old S and 3 yr old D as my purpose in life...<P>I don't say it to feel sorry for myself. My healing has begun with accepting things as they really are. I can now accept that I WILL NEVER get the love I need from any of my (4) parents or family. It has freed me in an unbelievable way to quit trying, and to recognize when they reject me - it is a defect in THEM, not ME.<P>I have felt so incredibly alone since my h's betrayal. He was the only person I trusted implicitly and I thought he would always have my best interest at heart. I was so wrong. I put him on a pedestal that I never should have...<P>I don't know about your beliefs in God. I am a Christian and believe in my head that God is the only one we can draw that unconditional love from we so desperately need. I have studied the Bible for many years, know it better than most "professionals" as I've gone back to the original languages...<P>That we also draw our true self-worth from knowing He made us in His own image and loves us profoundly. I believe this, but don't know how I can bring it down to the level of my feelings...<P>I'm just thinking out loud, either that, or I must give myself the love I need. When I love my little girl, I feel like I'm also loving that other little girl (me) that was unloved and abused starting at the age of 3. She is so precious. I told Ashley that noone loved mommy when she was 3, and she gave me a big hug and said I love you when you were 3...Made me cry.<P>We have our own little girl now, and want so badly to give her the love we never had. And for that, I know I must heal, I cannot give so much from my dry well. I have really started to ENJOY my kids for the first time. I no longer begrudge my h his exciting trips while I'm home with the kids. I really enjoy the time I'm with them.<P>I too could write 5 pages, but I'll sign off for now. I think you're doing really great, Dylan. Who's to say why everyone doesn't go through this journey? Some don't need to as the wounds are not so deep. My h told me he figured I would survive this (when he thought at all about his years of infidelity, I can't remember how long was it for Deut?) since I had survived much worse in my childhood.<P>How could he be so stupid! Couldn't he realize it was precisely because of my childhood that the wound would be so deep. That the kids could have ended up not only without a dad, but without a functional mom? Why was he so shocked that I contemplated suicide? He has always been a bull in a china closet, stomping around in the tender, sacred parts of my being. I won't let him anymore!<P>I have not erected walls. But I have built a room inside myself that noone is allowed in. It is dark and deep, safe like a bomb shelter. I want to add windows and let in the light. But I will always have this room.<P>It is not selfish to focus on yourself. Why are we the only ones who think that? <P>PS I forgot to finish the thought. Some may not need the deeper healing. Many will not deal with the pain implied and can go on, but will continue to carry the associated baggage. And then, many more are not so self-aware that they even see the need.<P>I wish I had dealt with a lot of this stuff years ago. My h was dumped by a gf before we met. He "moved on", worked through the pain and became functional, but never dealt with his own deep issues.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited October 13, 2000).]

Dylan, something else that bothers me...<P>Isn't there a difference in kind, not just degree between a one week fling and 2 years of lies? You held up HGBrawner as a goddess of this, she is a fine lady. But am I right to feel the one week fling her h had is very different from what I'm dealing with?<P>Betrayal is betrayal, of course.<P>It's just I've been wondering if each separate transgression doesn't need to be dealt with and forgiven...<P>The time he started looking at OW #1 that way back in early '97, but didn't tell me.<P>We had her over for Christmas eve with my kids, I had no idea he was already wanting her.<P>The first time in July '98 he lied to me about his flight time and went to her house from the airport while I waited up expectantly...<P>I don't want to rehash it all. I just feel each time, he made the choice, each time he went back to her place and lied. She ended it in Feb '99 and he started again in Aug '99 with the Brazil bimbette.<P>We had spent $12,000 on starting a business, but he dropped it like a hot potato in Aug '99 and left me to try it alone while having my kids home 24 by 7. It busted.<P>Do you think it's a mistake to lump it all together? Each time he could have made a different choice. He could have been overcome with guilt as HGBrawner's h was.<P>He wasn't.<P>Not even during our recovery. He only cried for what he did to OW.<P>No wonder I don't trust the man he has been for only two months now!<P>

To all on this thread..<BR> First, Soulloss, I could have written each and every thought you expressed so eloquently. I am coming up on 2 year anniversary of DDay#1 and am 15 months past DDay #2 when they rekindled the affair for a time.<BR> I am amazed even now at how intense the emotions are...Some days I cry off and on all day and night; other days I rage and scream and rant all day long. Some days I do both. H has begun to seem almost numb from these observing these intense feelings I experience. To this day, he has no idea what his affair and living with the reality of the child born of that affair has done to me or our grown children.<P> I really bought a little book called Surviving Betrayal. I have read only parts of it so far, but I have been able to take some comfort in much of what I have read. You might want to read it.<P> Please keep posting your feelings, etc. Sometimes I feel as if I'm all alone in this whole mess. I have many casual friends, but no family or support network to "reality test" some of what I am feeling, so I come here or read books.<P> Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

An....OOPS! I mean Dylan, LOL<P>Yes dear you are his <B>HERO!!</B><P>Remember, I lived in your house for a couple of days and saw with mine own eyes how he looks at you!!<P>He never said anything, but I saw how he looks at you!<P>The man loves you!<P>The man respects you!!<P>He didn't have to say a word to me....I witnessed it....<P>Look, you guys are under tremendous stress!!<BR>he might not be able to articulate his feelings into words, but I saw the mans eyes!<P>Trust me!!<P>Love Ya,<P>Bill<P><BR>

Hey! You can't keep us haning like this!!!<P>LOL LOL LOL

Hey Dylan,<P>I decided to bring this to the top in the hope that you would see it and respond. It's not like you to leave us hanging. Are you alright?<P>Peppermint

I'm coming....I'm coming....<P>sorry, it's kind of like the fall of Rome around here.......I'm busy dodging the big pieces of the 'masonry of life' that are tumbling about, trying to squash me...<P>same old...same old....<P>nothing to see here folks....drive on......<P>I'm so far behind!!!!!!!<P>also, a couple we are friends with are having a marital crisis and in the seperation agreement, we got to keep the husband...LOL......<P>but I'm coming, Peppermint...really, honest....I just need a good stretch at the computer....I am surrounded by 2 men and a step-son who play games online...even my 4 yr old son...demanding Clifford and Franklin the turtle....it's a losing battle....sigh...<P>also, schizzo's posts sent me off in a flurry of thinking....it got deep, and I had to withdraw a bit to....process...<P>Dylan<P> <P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

OMG!!!!!!!!!<P>She IS alive!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I have been worried about you but too busy and also sicker than a dog to call...<P>How the heck have you been?????<P>Or should I take it from your post that things are pretty much the same????<P>Write or call sometime, or let me know when a good time to call you is.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{DYLAN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

BTW<P>Did you read my post from a couple days ago??? I swear if I ever ran into the little ***** I don't know if I could be held accountable for what I would do...and she hasn't done anything recently...I must be going off the deep end. :<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Hey Dylan,<P>No pressure intended, I was just getting a little concerned about your absence from the world of MB! Now that I know you're okay (or as okay as you can be), I'm just looking forward to your return!<P>Peppermint