My wife had an affair that I found out about just over a month ago. We are now living in France and she says that it is over. She has stopped contacting the guy. A few days before I discoverd all the e-mails that told me of her affair, I found a birthday card from him that was somewhat personal (at the time, she said it was nothing, just some kind words from a good friend). After I found out about the affair, I told her that I was uncomfortable with her keeping memories of him including the card. Recently she told me that she had kept it just to remid herself that it did really happen. She said that she buried it somewhere where she'll probably not come across it for a long time. I'm still feeling upset about her keeping the card and I'm wondering if I should ask her to get rid of it completely. Any advice would be welcomed.<P>Steve.

When I found out, I insisted that she write him an email cutting it off forever (she claims it was dying it's own death), no contact ever again. We went through the house collecting any objects that were connected with her meeting with him. ANYTHING. I went as far as to demand what underwear she might have been wearing. We pulled it all and destroyed it. I could not STAND to have her and any bits of reminder in the house for either of us. She was terrified and remorseful and didn't question my demands. (Now, almost a month later, I no longer demand, I discuss and request, doing my best to deposit love units.)<BR><P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************

You don't need a card to remind you that an affair really happened on either side(betrayed or betrayer). The memory of it is burned into your mind and heart. The memories may fade but they don't ever go away. I vote that the card goes the way of the rest of the household garbage. If she's serious about recovery, this shouldn't be a big issue.

For me, and I'm a WS, when I was truly ready to move forward and try to recover my marriage. . .I destroyed all emails, everything that I had from the affair (but the OM didn't give me anything, not even a card. . .so it wasn't too hard to delete all of the emails - it was actually kind of cleansing.) My H and I also burned - together - the letter I wrote to him telling him about the affair - he read it in my presence, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him verbally. . .<P>I held on to the emails for a while, though, because it was a reminder that it really happened. . .but I wanted that reminder - at the time so that I could remember that I was "good enough" to attract another man. That sounds really bad. . .but it was like the proof I needed to show the world that says hey another guy loved me. . .well, I got over that. . .And trashed the emails all in good time. . .because they became a reminder of the most horrible mistake I've ever made, and I'll never forget that, and it's not something I would be proud to tell the grand kis in later years. . .If they find out on their own, I will accept responsibility, but I don't need any reminders to flaunt it. . .MAybe as you move through recovery, she'll get rid of the card on her own. . .right now, it's just kind of a self-esteem thing, I think. . .So reassure her, tell her she's beautiful, tell her she's special. . .she says the card - at least in my opinion because looking back on it - the a did make her feel special. . .Hopefully she'll get over that. . .<P>I wouldn't worry about it too much, unless she puts the card on your coffee table for display. . .

I wouldn't even ask. I'd throw it away and not say a word. H had an ugly sweater that OW gave him and one day I just went in the closet and pitched it in the trash. Also there was a housekey on his ring that didn't go to our house. In all fairness it might have been a key to our old house but I had this feeling.... I pitched that too. He never said a word.

I found out of my H affair by receiving court papers suing him for child support and paternity. In these papers was a picture of her daughter and him in a sleeveless t-shirt. About 3-weeks later, I was doing laundry and washed the shirt he was wearing. He was getting ready to go fishing one day after that and pulled out the shirt, and I told him that I wanted it in the garbage. He didn't take it on the fishing trip, and I threw it out. It hasn't been mentioned again.<BR>I feel that if our spouses really want to help us heal and are committed to saving the marriage, they would and should do anything they can to ease the pain they have caused.

OM had given my now x a ring early in the affair. I found it by going through her purse. When we tried to reconcile, I asked her to throw it away and she said it was too expensive so she put it in a safe deposit box. <P>When we finally divorced she gave me the safety deposit box and I found out she had only left the ring in there 1 week.<P>All momentos must go!!!!<P>God Bless!!<P>Bob

Don't worry about it.<P>You know, when Robert first came home, I had a blast with bonfires! (Thanks, Wassi! ) Robert even helped me, pulling stuff out here and there. We didn't search, stuff just popped out as he was bringing his things back home. Burning the junk was fun! I didn't ask him to throw ANYTHING away, just told him how much fun I had at the first bonfire when he handed me her pictures out of his wallet to throw away.<P>There was one shirt though, that he wanted to keep. He had thrown away some really personal stuff between the two of them, and I mentioned the shirt to him, that I had pulled it out a few times for him to wear, but just couldn't deal with it. It stayed in his closet.<P>When we were cleaning out our closets for charity, I put a bunch of stuff on the bed for him to go through out of his closet....yes, that shirt was one of them. He didn't throw it away. Point is, he liked the shirt. He saw it, liked it, mentioned it and she went back and bought it. He figured he picked it out and he liked it. So back it went in his closest.Know what? It's going on 9 months now and the other day I was ironing his clothes for us to go somewhere. That shirt really looked good with the pants I had pulled out. The color is perfect for him, so I pulled the darned thing out. Not a twinge. Ironed it, got his stuff ready. He put it on...not a twinge. It's a shirt. He decided he didn't like it so much...it's gone. Amazing, huh?<P><BR>I knew for about three months into this recovery stuff that he still had the key to "their place". Ug. He knew I knew, it was hangin on the key rack. I didn't say anything. One day he handed it to me and said "mail it back". NO PROBLEM!!! Yayyy!<P><BR>That card will go away, don't worry. Please let it be in her time and in her way. I know, I know, "they" should do everything to make us feel better, but, especially at first, they can't do enough, trust me. Leave some things up to her to handle without making demands, I think it's important. And I tell you, from someone who's been there, you cannot imagine how good it feels when THEY decide something must go, all on their own, without your insistance....it's the most reassuring thing in the world, all of a sudden you realize you really don't have to worry so much anymore. "Did she do this because I made her, because I told her it hurt?". Not bad reasons at all, but......"She did it because it means nothing to her anymore and I mean a lot so she took care of it WITHOUT my asking." For me, that was a big deal.<P>Stuff gets easier, triggers get milder...you will heal and the card will go away. Keep working on the other stuff...you'll be fine.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Not Giving Up:<B> I feel that if our spouses really want to help us heal and are committed to saving the marriage, they would and should do anything they can to ease the pain they have caused.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Ditto with above response.<P>It would mean more to me if my H got rid of a *reminder* when I asked him to (did it FOR ME), rather than for him to wait until he WANTED to do it.<P>I think it is VERY possible to convey to your wife, in a non-lovebusting way, that her action (keeping the letter) is hurtful to you. However, I agree with others here who have stated that demands/threats do more harm than good....in other words, W can't be *forced* to do it.<P><B>Oh, but wouldn't it be such a *gift* if W could do this one small act just because it would please YOU</B> <sigh>.<P>YES, I understand your want/need for her to do this for you.<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

I wish more than just about anything that my H would get that idiotic tattoo of that 18 yo tramps's initial taken off of his toe. <P>For one thing the affair started fizzling days after she pressured him into doing it and he didn't take care of it and it looks like a blob, though I can still see it crystal clear.<P>Two, it's juvenille. A tattoo on his toe? And he showed it proudly to people. I'm sure they thought the same thing I did, what an idiot. <P>Three, it's a constant reminder to me. Whenever we're in bed together and that toe touches me it is all I can do to keep from puking.<P>Four, I don't want to live with years of explaining to other people why he has a tattoo of an initial that doesn't match me, him, or our children. <P>He says it's a constant reminder to him of the terrible thing he did to us. Well, duh, idiot, it does the same thing for me. I don't need to be reminded.