<BR> UPGRADING TO HUSBAND 1.0 <P> Dear Tech Support: <BR>Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the <BR>new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, <BR>severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that <BR>operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was <BR>included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many <BR>other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and <BR>OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight <BR>1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation<P>8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no <BR>circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've <BR>tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility <BR>is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!! <P>Sincerely, Joan <BR>Dear Joan: <BR>This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to <BR>a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband <BR>1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.<BR>However, <BR>Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run <BR>as few applications as possible. <BR>Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because <BR>Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your <BR>system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is <BR>gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files <BR>from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed<P>once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages <BR>are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some <BR>of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to <BR>work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. <BR>However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband<P>1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: <BR>Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly,<P>and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. <BR>I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange <BR>and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also <BR>suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults <BR>[GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by<BR>the <BR>parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0<BR>must <BR>assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root <BR>cause. To activate this great feature enter the <BR>command "C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run <BR>simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the <BR>applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid <BR>excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more<BR>serious <BR>GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before<BR>the <BR>system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 <BR>to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a <BR>very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and<BR>Snoring <BR>Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble <BR>by following this tech tip! <BR> <BR>Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all <BR>GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all <BR>the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it <BR>does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. <BR>Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally <BR>recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, <BR>these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After <BR>several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find <BR>many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 <BR>and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any <BR>circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application,<P>and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will<P>run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. <BR>I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband<BR>1.0 <BR>and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We <BR>trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! <BR>Tech Suppor >><BR>

That's a good one! I downloaded it for some of the girls in the office. I'm sure it will become an e-mail circular very quickly!<BR>Thanks for the laugh!

<BR>Here's a similar email about women.<P>Inter-Office Memo Upgrade?<P>Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all<BR>other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. <P>Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: -A "don't remind me again" button. -A minimize button. -Ability to delete the "headache" file. -Uninstall option that provides the ability to uninstall without loss of system resources. - An option to run the network driver to run in the shared mode to allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful and effective.<P>I myself have decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfrend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must first uninstall Girlfriend 3.0, or conflicts will result from the shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfreind 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving<BR>undesirable traces of the application in the system. <P>Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about upgrading to Wife 1.0! <P>VIRUS ALERT: All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an " insufficient<BR>system resources" error message. <P>To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and NEVER run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems. Don't even think about a shared directory!<P>Good luck with your current software version!<P>