My wife and I have been having problems for a while now, but it takes a little background to get to where I am now....In 1998, we met our son's girlfriend's (now wife) parents and my wife immediately hit it off with the father. I could basically take them or leave them, but a friendship did develop....later on in 1998, I cheated on my wife with the mother of my son's girlfriend and immediately regretted it--apparently something was missing from my marriage that my wife was no longer providing for me, but I was willing to go back to her to try and find it...my wife was not angry, in fact she condoned it...but what I was noticing was that my wife was becoming less and less affectionate with me--and more and more with him...it became apparent that he was the man she wished to be around all of the time....I found out later that she had slept with him as well....I was completely devastated but my wife told me that "how can something that feels so right be wrong?"....I chalked all of this up to experimentation because she told me it would probably not be continued... then I hurt her deeply on my birthday in 1998 by rejecting a gift she had spent quite a bit on....she became bitter and completely withdrew from me...our sex life became non-existent, and to be fair she was suffering with a physical problem that impaired it a great deal later on---BUT SHE WAS FINE AT THAT TIME...she gave me an ultimatum to shape up in 6 mos or else (this was August of 1998): stop being so "controlling, clinging--let me be independent"...she completely withdrew from me--no hugging, no kisses, almost no sexual intimacy... yet when she was around this man I could see her face light up with happiness and love...she said I was imagining things. I let things go, trying to win her back by changing my character to rid her of those annoyances that had caused her to withdraw from me....and yet it didn't seem to matter to her....and she continued to grow closer to this man who became my son's father in law in 1999. So, now he was part of the family, and we live about 5 miles from each other.... our relationship deteriorated to the point that we had intimate contact only one time in 1999...in October of 1999, she was caught with him at his house by the wife--and I found out 2 days later....she said that they were caught before anything happened, so, in her mind, nothing happened and I didn't need to worry about it....our relationship remained the same one of withdrawal from her and doing what I could to win her back... she tells me that I have been "abusive mentally and extremely controlling" for the past 20 years of marriage, and she needs this man because he "listens to her and she can confide things in him things that she says she cannot with me"...I "repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over" by "ignoring her interests" that she took over the past 20 years... she will forgive, but she will never let slip an opportunity to bring up the mistakes I've made in the past to "emotionally control and abuse her"...I tell her that this will eventually destroy our marriage--but she tells me that "she put up with it for 20 years" and I should stop whining that she is only giving me a taste of my own medicine by ignoring me and not showing any affection. She says she may come out of this shell at any time, but she is afraid I will hurt her again and she "can't live with that"---I just need to accept it and wait....her physical problem resulted in a hysterectomy in late 1999, but there were only 2 instances of intimate relations so far this year(2000)...she says sex isn't that important and "that I should get over it", yet I get the feeling that if she were with this man full-time she would find a way to be intimate as much as she could...I tell her that we could find a way if she really wanted to, but she ignores that...I am seperated from her by 200 miles at the moment being in grad school, and she has complete freedom to "be independent"...she has told me she loves both this man and me, and that he does not know this fact, although i believe he suspects....he will not leave his wife, though...She will never consent to leaving the area to be away from him because my son and his wife are expecting a child and they will still live there.....and I, I continue with my complete frustration...is she having an affair? I honestly don't know.....don't know what to do.

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Goodness, Away, that tale is hard to follow, but I can feel your hurt through it. I don't know if she is having an affair or not, but sometimes the not knowing is just as bad as knowing.<P>You said at the end that you didn't know what to do? May I ask what you see as options?<P>I wish you all the best. --HBC

It seems you are in the similar boat I'm in. My W has a friend and She "visits" with him all hours day and night. I just confermed it is more than a freindship when I caught her in a lie. So I understand how you feel. The only advise I can give is do whats best for "U"<BR>Terry

Hi Awayfornow:<P>This appears to be a classic example of a foggy minded WS. If your W was thinking clearly surely she could see the potential for disaster she is risking with this involvment with her son's father in law.<P>If she precedes then she stands to hurt you, her son, his wife and their child, her son's mother-in-law as well inflict damage on her lover's reputation. That's a big toll for "feeling good" and appears pretty selfish of her.<P>But you can't stop her, you know that....you can only try to work on fixing yourself and hope that its enough to prevent her from affecting so many lives.<P>She's hurting...this is apparent...and striking back at you in her pain. Please don't try to teach or reason with her anymore...try to love her back...by showing her you "have" begun to change and will continue to do so. There probably is no other way....she's too set in having her own way right now.<P>If you really have changed then in time she will begin to notice...and back away from some of her extreme stands. Until then it's all you can do...unless you can get her to counseling.<P>I hope she doesn't bring this "house of cards" down around her before she comes to her senses.<P>Let us know what happens. We care.<P>Faye<P><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 10, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>Hi Awayfornow:<P>This appears to be a classic example of a foggy minded WS. If your W was thinking clearly surely she could see the potential for disaster she is risking with this involvment with her son's father in law.<P>If she precedes then she stands to hurt you, her son, his wife and their child, her son's mother-in-law as well inflict damage on her lover's reputation. That's a big toll for "feeling good" and appears pretty selfish of her.<P>But you can't stop her, you know that....you can only try to work on fixing yourself and hope that its enough to prevent her from affecting so many lives.<P>She's hurting...this is apparent...and striking back at you in her pain. Please don't try to teach or reason with her anymore...try to love her back...by showing her you "have" begun to change and will continue to do so. There probably is no other way....she's too set in having her own way right now.<P>If you really have changed then in time she will begin to notice...and back away from some of her extreme stands. Until then it's all you can do...unless you can get her to counseling.<P>I hope she doesn't bring this "house of cards" down around her before she comes to her senses.<P>Let us know what happens. We care.<P>Faye<P>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 10, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, Faye, you are exactly right in your analysis. I am changing the way I've been in the past to be the husband she wants me to be. I agree with her that much of what I've done was hurtful and destructive; indeed, I didn't even know it at the time.<P>I've been trying for the past two years or so to create these changes in my life to show her that I do care about what she feels. Yet, I am never allowed to slip at all, or the past is immediately thrown at me by her. This is her "evidence" that I've changed nothing. It is like walking through a minefield. I'm dooing this with absolutely no "guidebook" with great fear that the most innocuous statement will do me as a continued "controller" in her eyes.<P>We chatted the other day over the Internet (since I'm at school a few hundred miles away) and she said that when she married me she "thought I was different" than all the other people in her life who abused her and never treated her with the respect she feels she deserves. This cut me to the quick (as the cliche goes)as I didn't know how to respond. She was right, wasn't she? I mean, she says stuff to this effect that I really have no defense for.<P>Also, she tells me that she loves me, but I wonder if that is the same as "being in love with me". I ask her, but she skirts the question. I just fimd this ominous. Well, we are going to be together this wekend for about a day and ahalf. I wonder if I should bring this up. Or will it cause me more problems.<P>You are precious for providing this answer to my hurting heart, Buffy. I hope to here from you and the others again. Despite my faults, I'm still a good person.<P>Bill <BR>