I had hints of H's MLC, but it was so minor that when first signs of it appeared I was thankful that they were small things (braces, laser to remove age spots, plucked gray hairs). I was always in good shape, so there was no weight to lose and he is a good looking man. <P>Then, other things popped up, but I didn't associate them with MLC. We live in a condo, so he wanted to buy a house, wanted a dog, trade in car for a truck. He was unhappy about his job, wanted to do something different. We also never had children, but was planning for them when I finished graduate school. These things took place over a 2-1/2 year period. <P>Just before turning 45 yrs. old, he mentioned wanting to live by himself to figure things out. We worked through it, but then again this March he brought it up. This time I discovered EA, after moving out in May, it became PA. He has his own apartment (that he not taken anyone to) and doesn't consider this person his girlfriend as they only occasionally date. Just had another birthday this Summer and he's still confused. Is okay with not being with either one of us, but sees both of us.<P>It is becoming a strain for him as he is always talking about feeling pressure. The OW is 50 years old so he will never have children with her. What is going through his head? Can anyone out there give an opinion on this? <P>After a friend suggested checking into MLC, I was astonished to learn that so many of what has happened are actually stages of MLC, including the betrayal of the affair. I also read SAA, and many of the conditions for an affair were all there also. Is this a double whammy of what?<P>Please help, Many Tears<P><P>------------------<BR>True love cannot be found where it doesn't truly exist, <BR>nor can it be hidden where it truly is.

I think MY H's MLC is what started the whole thing...<BR>Antisipation of job layoff, son getting married, then becoming a grandfather...All to much for him to adjust to.<BR>For more than a year he knew he was in a MLC and knew (Read Jim Conway's : Men in MID life Crisis) stated don't do anything while in this state ...because it will pass..<P>Well you guessed it. He had EA, left home, changed jobs, moved close to OW, came back to town and just left AGAIN....<P>He is still in a MLC but that does not give him the right to inflict all this pain and hurt on us...<BR>And not seek help for his actions....<BR>So until he gets help , I have started plan B.<BR>For myself....just in case...which ever way it goes....

She isn't having an affair, but I'm fairly certain that a mlc may have a major influence on her just walking out after 10 f'n years.

Hi Many Tears,<P>Oh yeah, mid-life crisis all the way here. After reading "Men in Mid Life" by Jim Conway, I felt like I could have written it. H has done it all, the affair(s), the fear of death...he thinks he'll die at same age as his fater, so in his mind he only has twelve years left to live. Traded in the family car on a sportier model, says he needs "one last chance" at everything in life. Drinks himself to sleep every night...the whole bit.<P>I think enough of us here are in this boat with MLC'ers that we could have a category just for this. I read everything I could get my hands on, and it says over and over that there is not a thing the spouse can do about a MLC, just wait it out if possible, and be prepared for the worst...they supposedly last from 2-5 years!<P>My H also is in a apartment, and I believe he is dating...also a woman his own age (I'm six years younger) He tends to want to be with women older than me...that's a swithch huh from the chasing younger women thing.<P>Read the Conway book if you get a chance, he went through this in a big way, and is very honest about his depression and feelings at the time.<P>I just cope by treating H like an insane person...but mostly I try to avoid him these days.<P>allison

I am not really sure if our problems started at home at the beginning of the MLC, but I would say the A is, and the sailboat he wanted(and we bought) for our 15th anniv, the snaziest model offered as a company car, 125 dollar LA-type designer sunglasses, losing weight with vigorous raquet sport, joining the poshest health club in Phoenix(like we can afford it .) <P>Last but not least, after discovery, in therapy, he starts to realize he has untapped childhood issues and he is affraid of everything!(responsibility, becoming unemployed, being Dad, expressing feelings or being honest...!) Right now he is a fearful child with his toy on the side, that he won't give up-just in case it(OW) is the better toy...<P>He did hit it at 37, though.(A started.)Actually now that I think of it, he met her at a business show a week before his bday, 2 weeks before my son's(they're bdays are actually ten days apart.) No PA that week. It started the next month. He arranged a trip to her company as persective business. YEA, RIGHT, He still denies he set the whole thing up conciously. His subconscious must have been on full steam! Maybe his MLC brain? <P>[This message has been edited by burnedspouse (edited October 07, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by burnedspouse (edited October 07, 2000).]

Hello Many Tears,<P>I absolutely believe that my husband's affair was part of a midlife crisis, but not the only thing that led to it. It seems that it made him more vulnerable and weak that he was depressed over the sudden illness and death of his mother because the affair was with a long time "friend" who comforted him.<P>My husband's affair was with a woman 16 years younger with three small children. She dresses like a sixteen year old slut, has bleached blond hair, and puts on that helpless, teary eyed look at the drop of a hat. While "consoling" my husband, she shared her own problems (most of them in her own demented mind) of an abusive husband and a nonfulfilling sex life.<P>I think my husband would have been smart enough not to involve himself in this mess but for the depression and midlife crisis. But who really knows. Maybe my mom is right when she says that when men think with their heads, it's not the ones on their shoulders that rule.<P>Peppermint

It is so like my h to find a "quick fix" for personal problems. If there's not a quick fix available, it doesn't get fixed. He found the instant cure for mlc and never looked back. He is one of those people who, when presented with a problem just acts - without a great deal of intense thought ever. Thus far, that had worked for us in our family life because I am a thinker. Unfortunately,he did not include me in this one.<p>[This message has been edited by wesse (edited October 07, 2000).]

Definetly! Without any doubt!!!<P>My W started complaining about her age soon after turning 40 (2 years ago). She soon started working out, buying all kinds of new clothing (went from the conservative "Talbot's" look to the Vicky's Secret look), and leased a new Mercedes that we could ill afford.<P>She then started making contact with people (mostly men) from her hometown whom she went to HS with. She hadn't had contact with these people in about 15 years but suddenly they were all her "near and dear friends".<P>We moved from near her hometown 8 years ago and I live 3 hours away (W and 4 year old daughter have moved back to her hometown).<P>To make her quest to feel young again totally complete, she has been having a passionate affair with one of the men from her HS class of '76 for over a year now. I am told that they always had a crush on each other in HS.<P>So you can see now, not only is she in a deep MLC, but she has gone so far as to relive her youth with the same man who gave her all the adolescent "pitter pats" a quarter of a century ago.<P>We have known each other for 15 years and married for 12. The year 2000 has been the most bizarre in my life, and one that I soon hope to forget.<P>Jay<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited October 07, 2000).]

Hi... I also think my H's EA was a mlc. It was with a OW he has been friends with since HS, feels like her family was a 2nd family. She seems ot be a needy thing-feels her husband is abusive(she won't leave him) I'm more independent. Maybe it was a pity party for the 2 of them. H got a race car-spent $50,000 towards racing it last yr when they had their A(and maybe continuing random calls) He turned 40 during this time. Our eldest daughter graduated from HS, had a very steady boyfriend whom she is now engaged to. H unhappy with career- a farmer who with crop prices, things aren't going well. He wants to be on a Nascar team-thinks that would be his ultimate dream(things are always greener on the other side) He just wasn't happy with where he was in life...felt he didn't have anything to show for it( my opinion is that he doesn't appreciate what he has experienced...6 snowmobile trips to Yellowstone Park, 20 trips to KY to try to get his dream job, has been to a multitude of races-truck, Winston Cup, Busch plus many other series. He says she just listens-of course tells him how wonderful he is. I try to do things to show him I care---esp after hearing for yrs how nobody cares, that he has nothing.(thanks alot- we have 2 beautiful daughters and lots of wonderful memories.)) Sorry,, I get side tracked and start to vent. Still Plan A and A, Somedays I would just like to shake him and scream at him that things could be worse- that we are fortunate. He could be our friend from HS who is now paraplegic after falling off a roof this summer, has 4 kids under age 12. Life is too precious. Any way, I'm learning that only H can make himself happy. OW may be his osais and I in the eye of the storm,,,, but he's still with me. H and OW say they'd kill each other after being together for 2 days and that it's fantasy- a way to get away from life( thanks again H) must be I'm the stable one.<BR> Hang in there. I've been told that someday they get a grip... I sure hope so before the bank takes every thing. Take care< I'm with you.

You can count me in with you guys in the MLC boat! The stories are so incredibly similar that it makes me wonder if our spouses received a book in a brown paper wrapper in the mail titled, "MLC for Dummies- how to think, act and look as you experience your midlife crisis"!!!<P>My H also had many of the classic signs-- told me he was "reinventing" himself, bought cases of Slim Fast in a failed attempt to lose weight, bought new clothes, went to the dentist to get his teeth whitened, bought a luxury SUV, & of course, entered into an affair. One would think with all this self centered activity that he would be happy. Quite the reverse-- he was, and still is, miserable.<P>As for the triggers-- he began having heart arrythmias (which turned out to be nothing but scared the [censored] out of him), quit his job because of it, then couldn't find another one, was ending his 25 year military career, and was facing his 55th birthday. Around the same timeframe, I was having difficulties with my job, was venting about it at home, & I was not happy that he wasn't working or at least trying to find a job. Enter OW, who flattered him, paid attention to him, and, well, I think you all know the rest!<P>I agree with Allison. We should have our own section for MLC'ers!!<P>Catamount-<P>If it's any consolation, I know of a woman who did the exact same thing as your W. She went to a HS reunion (after 15 years of marriage & two kids), met up with her old highschool flame, they carried on an affair, divorced their respective spouses, then immediately married each other. Well, I think the bubble has burst. They fight constantly, and the last I heard, this woman has been inquiring as to whether her ex-H is happy (he has since remarried). BTW, I think her ex-H got the better end of the deal. He went on to meet an incredibly sweet woman who is a nurse who cares for terminally ill patients. She is the polar opposite of his ex-W, and I believe he IS very happy. So, the moral of the story, is, hang in there, because is can and does get better!!

Thanks for your replies, friends! What's your best guess as to how long your WS' mid life crisis gone on? <P>Allison,<BR>I ordered the book by Jim Conway, it hasn't arrived yet so I checked out a website on MLC and started chatting with a woman there who told me about the phases. I also found Mrs. O. posting there a few times.<P>If there's nothing we can really do while they go through this MLC, has Plan A/B been really effective for you? It seems Peppermint is into recovery (I hope things keep going your way). Anyone else with Plan A success with WS in MLC?<P>Let's really support each other through this insane period! Blessings, Many Tears<BR><P>------------------<BR>True love cannot be found where it doesn't truly exist, <BR>nor can it be hidden where it truly is.

Hi Many Tears,<P>With all this talk about Jim Conway's book, I think I'll pull it back out tonight and read it again. You know, if nothing else it really validates me to read it...I know this is not my imagination or my fault.<P>What website did you find on MLC? I'd be interested in going there. The folks over on the MLC board at Divorce Busting seem to know each other well, and it's a good board, but I just don't get a whole lot from it.<P>Glad Mrs. O is going over there too...hey, anywhere we can go to get some answers is great.<P>I seem to remember that these can last anywhere from a year...to the rest of their lives. Two to five years seems to be the most common number I've heard. I wish I could tell you more, Jim Conway was so honest in the book about how he was feeling. His wife and he are in a ministry (she has passed away now I think) and he did feel awful about what he put her through, but he just couldn't help it. I think trying to stop this would be like trying to stop my 12 year old son from entering puberty...impossible. It's a natural progression for so many, and while it' agonizing, it must be seen through for them to grow. It just seems like they grow in the wrong (for us) direction a lot of the time.<P>Plan A was, I think, effective for me...for a while. H was thinking seriously about coming home this summer. He was caring, and seeking me out to spend time with...he said his feelings were strengthening daily...and I felt it, but he has gone backwards. He wants to date a woman that is on his reunion committee for his 30 year high school reunion. What can I do? He has to go out there and "see" I guess. I'm trying to Plan B now, which is driving him crazy, but we have three kids so it's really hard to cease all contact with him. I don't take his calls for the most part...and he is getting really mad about it.<P>Darn, I do go on don't I?<P>I just got off the phone with my beloved sister in law...I had to tell her I wouldn't be with her and the rest of the family (H's) for the holidays this year. She broke down crying...so did I. <P>These MLC'ers can tell themselves that what they are doing will not affect anyone else, but I tell ya...the arms of this are long reaching. I love my husbands family, and have spent the last 24 Thanksgivings and Christmases with them...this year, I'm shut out of it all.<P>It's hard to be understanding when the cold hard reality of it all hits.<P>Hang in there...I will if you will.<P>allison

My EA was definitely brought on by a MLC-based depression. Approaching 40 and my son turning 18 got me caught in a whirlwind of emotions. On top of that my H turned 42 2 years ago when this all started and that's how old my father was when he died. It turns out a lot of my problems came about from 'baggage' (forgive the psycho-babble) I've been carrying around since I was 3. <P>I read the book by Jim Conway and his wife, "Women in Mid-Life Crisis" and boy, did it describe me! There is even a passage in that book that eerily touches on my login name:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Now is the time to seek the truth about who you are, what you want to do, who you will love and let love you, and what mission you want to accomplish in life</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I had not read this book before I chose my login name, but that is exactly why I chose it. <P>MLC is not pretty, but it happens. And it's not that we don't know that it touches the lives of others. We just feel powerless about it. We are living in such internal confusion and we're trying so hard to make some sense of what's going on inside of us, that we can't possibly make sense of it for those around us as well. We don't want to hurt those who love us. It unfortunately happens anyway. IF we could choose not to be in this state, believe me, we wouldn't be. I know I would much rather have my head screwed on straight than go through the internal Hell I've been going through the past 2 years, not to mention putting my family through it as well.<P>The good news for me is that I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've identified the source of my problems and I have a plan for addressing it. Now I have to summon the courage to carry it through. (See my post from last week under Emotional Needs "I think I'm in the pool" if you want details).<P>I wish you and your H well in this journey. It's a long and bumpy one. Good luck.<BR>

Thanks Allison,<P>I'm in such a downer mood today. Had dinner with H on Wednesday night it didn't end well. I told him I just wanted to enjoy his company and wanted to have fun with him. We started to talk about MLC (mistake) and his attitude took a dive. He says he's tired of talking about how he feels and people (meaning me) trying to change his feelings. Haven't heard from him yet. <P>Last night saw his car in front of our condo and new he was visiting OW next building over. I couldn't help myself, but I went (binoculars in hand) and found a spot in the brush to spy on them; nothing happened. Just a lot of talking and H drinking beer. He's been doing more drinking lately. I am surprised and glad that nothing happened, but I'm an educated, independent woman. Look at what his MLC and affair has reduced me to! <P>I'm sick and ashamed of myself, I didn't sleep at all last night! I've been tempted to call him today, but have been fighting it because I don't want to say anything stupid! <BR>I want my H back!!!!! I'll hang in there with you, but honestly, it's getting difficult! <P>The reassuring thing is our therapist strongly believes the A will not last. He's been gone now for almost 6 mos. and he still says is not in love with her. So, more than likely I just have to wait it out until he realizes it's not going anywhere. It's the waiting that drives me crazy, he used to call and see how I was and that would make be feel good. But, he doesn't do that now and it's hurting me really bad. I'm in such despair!<P>Stay in touch! Many Tears

Sidney,<P>Wow!! The thing that is so incredible is that my W held me in such high regard (maybe it was just words?) and then ditched me basically overnite. How do seemingly devoted women (or men) who are parents of young children justify what they are doing??<P>Is it an addictive personality type?? My W has an addictive personality. If it tastes good, she wants more.......and more.......and more........<P>Is it immaturity??? After I discovered her A, she told me if I went anywhere near her hometown of family (who I used to be close to), her friends would beat me up.<P>Jay

Hi Jay,<P>I just don't know what to tell you. The only thing I've been able to figure out is that people like your wife and my husband do not like themselves. They have an incredible hole in their soul that they try to fill through whatever means they can-- alcohol, drugs, affairs, whatever their addiction of choice happens to be. My husband once told me he would look at a woman on the street and wonder to himself if she could make him happy. He was searching for happiness through external gratification rather than seeking it from within. He just doesn't seem to grasp the concept that happiness comes from giving not just receiving. I also, once asked him why he had so little respect for me. He replied, "Because I don't respect myself." As much as it hurts, just know that what your wife did to you really has nothing to do with you. She's lost, confused, and probably very sick.

I've never really read too much information on MLC as I have felt this might be place that everyone reaches in their lives...the time of questions whether their life has been of meaning to them or to anyone else. The important thing is not the asking...this is a good thing as it makes growth possible...but the ramifications of that asking. <P>If this place in life comes for everyone sooner or later, what makes some people react so strongly...trying to throw their whole life away and reinvent themselves?<P>To me, this once again boils down to personalilty types. I agree with those who think that those people who go off the deep end have pre-existing problems...be it self-esteem, conflict avoidance, whatever. And rather then trying to deal with their own problems, they seek solutions outside themselves. Aren't these people also usually the blame finders, the complainers, the fault finders of life, the "grasser-is-greener"s, the "its not quite good enough type" people? Or are they just selfish?<P>I personally can't imagine myself dumping my H and running off with some piece of trash because he makes me feel young....but I have known a wife who did just that...but she also already had problems (drugs) and self-esteem problems...she lived to regret it and now has to live with the consequences. <P>MLC may be a real "illness" but if it is, then some of us appear more likely to contract it then others and have a worse case of it...if we don't die or throw away our lifes in the process. <P>Faye<BR> <BR> <BR>

Hi Sidney!<P>Yes, I've been told about the "hole in the soul" from many of my wife's girlfriends. She likes to fill the void up with objects. She is always buying something, be it something big, like a stereo component, or a complete remodeling of a bedroom, but also a lot of small things, a nick-nack a week was common. Yes, it is an addiction. She has also used drugs in the past to fill the void, during our marriage it was the "object" thing, and now it is her heart throb from yesteryear. I believe that people like my W and your H are looking for something that doesn't exist, but the excitement of looking for it constantly is enough to satisfy their souls (if you can call them souls). They will eventually move on to something new when the lustre wears.<P><BR>Buffy & Sidney,<P>I'd also like to point out the issue of self esteem that you raise. My W projects herself to everyone a bastion of self confidence and wisdom to make the right decision quickly. Once a decision is made, she charges like a bull and never looks back. I often wonder if deep inside, she doubts herself, and that the boastful self-confidence is a mask that never comes off.<P>Yes, happiness must come from within. One of the issues I raised during counselling was my W's inability to enjoy the "simple" things life has to offer. She sees no beauty in the natural world around us and can only be happy in the company of material things. It reminds me of that old Madonna song that I never hear anymore, "Material Girl." Our society seems to make materialism "glamorous" the same way that infidelity and divorce have been made glamorous in tabloids and in film.<P>Regarding MLC, our counsellor (who obviously had her cranium in her rectum) said she doubted that MLC is a real thing and if it did exist, only men have them. By the way, she was in her 50's and wore studded jeans and looked like she may have been having one herself. I wonder if she got the "bedazzler" from the ad on late night TV.<P>Jay

dear many tears, allison, <P>i was glad to find this thread of yours because i have been thinking that my H's A was brought on by a MLC at the young age of 30! i know a few people who have had this happen to their H's but not quite to the extreme we all seem to be experiencing, and i have never talked to them about it.<P>my H had a terrible childhood, was almost an alcoholic at the age of 13, hated private school (he lived at his school because his dad taught there!) and ended up being asked to leave for another school. he did very badly in his HSC(that is his leaving certificate, i am from OZ so i don't know what you call it in US) and he could not go to university. so he started what was to be an endless chain of dead end jobs. then we got married and my belief in his worth spurred him on to try to get into university by taking a mature aged entry test. he got in and started a degree in psychology whilst we had our first child, and we were so poor, but i thought "he really needs and wants this so i will stick by him"...he quit that too like everything else in his life. so he takes another job that he eventually quits to start his own business which he is now trying to set up. <P>he turned 30 in july just gone and has hit rock bottom. he told me he didn't want me anymore, and couldn't imagine holding hands with me when we are 70. then he started his internet A with this excuse for a woman who is on her third marriage with one child to each man. i discover them together and hear it all on his mobile phone when it accidentally rings home one night. i confront him then he says he wants me back (we have two children by now...my second is only one year old on the 11th of october) and says he does love me, and that she was only ever a friend and it would never have happened if he had not been totally pissed at the time. <P>he is now in therapy and on anti-depressants. i see many parallels between him and the partners described in this thread. sadly, my husband has driven us into complete financial ruin, we are just about bankrupt, and i think that this coupled with all the other things i have mentioned have caused him to have an early MLC. <P>my husband is so hard to be around at the moment. he wakes at around midday, goes to the computer to check his emails, plays computer games, chats in chat rooms, does what ever the hell he pleases all day, then spends time with me after dinner and i must say it is quality time which i enjoy very much, but he then goes back to the net until 6am usually. i have to be so storng and i have to watch my poor little 4 yr old boy going thru hell because his daddy doesn't have any time for him anymore. <P>it is killing me, but i love him so much. sound familiar?<P>i really hate MLC's and i am so glad i have found you guys to confide in. i am sorry for your pain and suffering, all of you in this thread...we don't deserve this, but i dare say we will grow and be better people for it.<P>steph.<p>[This message has been edited by torn&broken (edited October 11, 2000).]

YEP, count me in here too. When my H turned 49, everyone acted like he turned 50 instead. I believe that is when his A started. Bought new kind of underwear, wanted a new truck (but I wouldn't give in), hated his job, didn't want to look for a new one, etc. etc. Three months before he turned 50, he moved out after the total discovery of his A. It has been a heck of a year. Lost his job, got a new one that takes him away from OW and us during the week and has now decided (after a super PLAN A) that he wants to re-committ to our marriage. I'm still not convienced that his MLC is over. He still does not want to take on to much responsibility for the affair or to discuss future plans. When this started, I too found the MLC sight and meet Mrs. O, along with the others there. She was the one who lead me to MB and I'm so thankful. She was really one of the first people that reached out to me and supported me thru the internet. Anway it is located at <A HREF="http://www.bestyears.com" TARGET=_blank>www.bestyears.com</A> for those interested. Iam4us