<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

I don't want my husband to come back..<BR>I am the WS by affair..but he is WS by work<BR>that has taken him away from home for many <BR>years..I am tired of asking him to come home<BR>and him not..I am healing from past abuses, <BR>some of which he did by not respecting my boundries when I said no, I am learning he's not a very trustworthy person as far as his word goes, they don't match his actions..<BR>He has never met nor tried to meet any of my<BR>needs other than financial which is more HIS need than mine. He has walked out on to many conversations that deal with my emotional healing that I just can't take it anymore..

Can't abandon the kids. Definitely.<P>My situation is also silimar to ThornedRose's. I had the affair with a person. Years ago, my H had an ongoing secret affair with pornography rather than trying to work on our relationship. For about a decade he would go out in the evenings, stay out very late, come back smelling like smoke and lie to me about where he'd been. Most recently, he became totally absorbed in work, staying up until 2 or 3 several nights a week. And through all of this it didn't even occur to me to leave. Empty? An understatement. I often wondered why he didn't leave, even before we had kids. But I was the financial support.<P>Eventually an old boyfriend showed up in my email box. What started as old friends sending casual email grew into much more.<P>I'm still here because of the kids, but my H and I are working through a lot of the old stuff with a therapist. The future looks empty.<p>[This message has been edited by Cottonwood (edited October 07, 2000).]

I never left my W during the Affair or after. I stayed simply because I love my W and she is the only person that I want to be with. I made a BIG mistake and many bad judgments, but I never wanted to be with anyone else.<P>fs

I'm not sure this thread is going in the intended direction. I'm with ThornedRose and Cottonwood (maybe we should start our own thread?) -- my husband abandoned me emotionally years ago. I stayed for the sake of the children, and have not left yet, although I'm still considering it. <P>I was careful not to do anything while the kids were home, even to the point of dressing unattractively for several years. There were a couple of times in the first 8 years or so of our marriage (that come readily to mind) when I was asked out by men at work who knew I was married. I knew I was vulnerable and would have trouble saying no. So I went to some lengths to prevent the question from coming up again.<P>As my kids got older they helped a lot with Conversation and Affection. Unfortunately they both went away to college the same fall, and I went "cold turkey." It didn't take an unusual amount of attention from OM to start my chemistry working under those circumstances. What STILL surprises me is that HE responded.<P>This doesn't exactly answer the question, since I never left. But the reason I DIDN'T leave was definitely duty: for the sake of the children, it was the right thing to do, etc.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

offon..<P>I think even now..if h were to quit his job..<BR>and be home and learn how to communicate with me..and share himself with me..and allow me the same freedom to share my thoughts and feelings without being put down for having them..we could possibly work it out..but sad<BR>thing is..He can't give up his work..it's always been more important to him, and his need to have a wife at home who never does anything or goes anywhere (like his mom) whose whole life is wrapped up in doing for him and kids..just doesn't fit who I am as a person..I need other ppl in my life to talk to and share things with..and he doesn't understand that..because his mom didn't have any friends outside the marriage other than her siblings..she never went anywhere without his dad or the kids..My mother had too..my dad was gone all the time, and her family was across the country. But I guess<BR>our ideas of marriage are to different..<BR>

Asked my H to answer this one if he could but he said he's not a typist and his English is not so great. Oh well...<P>But he did say to type for him that he loves me, always loved me, never stopped loving me and a bunch of other stuff that pretty much dittos everything firestorm said.<P>He also said that he never saw himself and OW having a future, not one he would want anyway.<P>This is me talking now, during the A OW told my H that she loved him and he would also say it back to her but shortly before he broke things off he knew that he didn't. He can't really explain this clearly but I think he HAD to imagine himself in love with her in order to risk everything he loved in life to continue that relationship. <P>As soon as he knew it had to end (because the reality of what he was doing to her marriage/hurting her H), he says he also knew he didn't love her.<P>Funny how little I had to do with the decision to end it. I guess I was the constant in the equation...<P>

OffOn--<P>You asked why we stopped our affairs. In my case, since it was email from long distance, it's hard to carry on anyway (saw each other twice on trips out of town). We're still friends, but I've come to believe it probably wouldn't go anywhere anyway -- too many obligations on both sides. So I've suggested we try having no contact for a month so I can try to clear my head and decide whether I'm staying in this marriage or not. <P>Right now I'm leaning towards yes, although I wonder whether I'll ever feel any romantic affection for my husband again.

The number one reason I ended the affair - I could not imagine my life without my husbancd in it. I love my husband, always have, always will. I made a horrible mistake by having an affair.<P>Other secondary reasons - It was the right thing to do (coming back), I wanted to uphold some part of my marriage vows (even though I made a mistake), and I was afraid of losing my best friend (my H).

Hmmmm. The reason I had the affair is a tough one. There was a complex of reasons, probably, mostly stemming around feelings of inadequacy and a fear of aging without having "lived" enough in my younger years. All of them sound painfully stupid in retrospect, but there you are . . .<P>The number one reason I never left was because I genuinely love my spouse, and was forcefully reminded of that fact when she chose to forgive and to work on our relationship rather than kick my butt out the door. I tried various mental scenarios of being without her, but none of them were very happy.

Hi,<P>I had an affair because I believed that my husband did not love me anymore, didn't like me, hadn't for a long time and I felt emotionally dead. I didn't really think of it as being wrong at the time because I felt that my marriage was over anyways. <P>I am still in love with the OM. We were at a point in the relationship, however, that continuing the affair made little sense. We were head over heels with each other and were considering a future. But, we both decided to break it off and try again at home. Neither were ready to make that committment. My H also found out at about the exact same time...<P>I am not in love with my H, at the moment--but I sure like him a lot better. We are in counseling and this MB process has helped restore peace to the home and our relationship. I have some glimmer that things might get better. My H (you might know him as Hurting Badly here at MB) has changed dramatically. I don't know, however, if I can get to the point where I am in love again.<P>I waited too long, felt miserable, unloved, and abandoned emotionally for too many years.<P>I am still here because we have two beautiful children and I am horrified at the breakup for their sake. Financial issues are also a concern. We both make wonderful livings, but we live in a horrendously expensive home (and moved here so that that kids would have great schools). My husband still loves me for some reason (too good of a man) and I hate the thought of taking his family away from him.<P>Does the rambling make any sense?<P>-GG