<BR>Well, I've been fighting it, but the depression's got me in its grip. Food doesn't taste good, nothing I usually enjoy excites me. I don't want to be around H. Only sleeping is good. I don't even want to have sex, which really cheeses him off. He was trying some kind of Plan A approach, but when the nookie didn't come as automatic payoff, he quit. Now he just sulks, or avoids me. I'm avoiding him. Only things I like right now are cigarettes and drinking, and sleeping. I've been steadily increasing my alcohol intake nightly. Eventually, I get numb. <BR>He still thinks this is all my fault. I didn't have an affair! <BR> Okay, take a vote guys. Those who are familiar with my scene. Was that an affair? <BR> When I first started dating H, 7 years ago, I kept seeing old BF, but didn't tell H. This went on about 4 months before I dropped BF in favor of H. We married 5 years ago. H just found out the whole story. H considers that an affair, can't trust me anymore. Calls me a whore. Give me feedback. Was I a 'ho or was I any normal SINGLE woman transitioning between BF#1 and BF#2?<BR>I've got to get out of this rut. Only thing I get excited about is going to work, but it's the weekend. Well, time for a refill.<BR>

No, you are not a ho! If you are a ho, than my W would have been the star of Deep Throat!<P>

Hi Mourning,<P>When you and H were dating and you were still seeing old BF, did you and H have a understood committed relationship?<P>I would say that if you did not, then "no" you were not cheating. Until that "committment" has been established between both of you there is no infidelity. Maybe your H assumed the exclusivity of your relationship at the time and hence he feels betrayed now. Can't you guys talk about that? <P>I have to say something else, Mourning. Your alcohol in take will not help you, or your H. I wish you would quit drinking, it'll definitely add to your depression, Hon. It's not good healthwise nor is it good for your emotional state.<P>Can't you ditch the alcohol and go out and walk or run? Do something constructive, make yourself feel needed by finding something to do that produces a fullfilling results.<P>Alcohol can play tricks with your brain, make matters seem worse than they really are, no hope kind of attitude. Please try and stop drinking, PLEASE!<P>The first time my H was unfaithful I too drank alot ... it numbed me, but looking back I know if I wasn't drinking my depression and mind set would have improved and expedited our recovery, I just felt sorry for myself and wallowed in my pain, felt I deserved it. But I didn't deserve to feel worse, and that's what alcohol was doing, making me feel worse and more pitiful.<P>Take the alcoho and dump it in the toilet, take a hot shower, get a good nap. Then eat something you really love. You will feel better. Then get your cute little tush out the door and take a nice brisk walk. It will give you a new perspective. <P>I'm sorry you're so low ... and I'm sorry you and your H can't find some equal ground where he understands you never intended to hurt him and you certainly didn't intend to cheat on him. <P>If you can't find the strength to stop drinking ... you won't be able to clearly see the situation in the eyes of hope and love. You have that strength, Mourning. It's in there waiting for you to draw from, all you have to do is find it and go with it.<P>Can I ask, are you on anti-depressants? If not, then I suggest you get a doc appt so you can start taking them. I know it helped me tremendously. But I believe you need to quit the alcohol consumption first. <P>Please try your hardest, throw those bottles out .... now is the time, I promise it WILL help you feel better.<P>I'll be saying prayers for you, Mourning.<P>God Bless you.<BR>Lv,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 07, 2000).]

I have to echo what was said already. If you and and your did not have an understood committed realtionship, no promise of exclusivity, it was not cheating.<P>Also, about the alcohol. I agree that it will not help. It will only make it worse. If the depression is that bad for you, get to a doctor for some antidepressants and a little therapy. <P>I would also recommend talking to your H about how you feel. Not in an accusatory way, but just tell him something along the lines of "I feel depressed because ..." without blaming him. Just a statemtn of how you feel. That might help to break the ice and keep the two of you from withdrawing from each other further.<P>How has his temper been? He hasn't been violent, has he?<BR>

Ok, I'm cynical but give this a thought. Could this "ridiculous" (sorry) reason for him to get mad be his justification for his affair? He's mad about something that happened 7 years ago before you were married? Doesn't make sense. <P>I agree with Resilient, the drinking is only making it worse. <P>

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

AM Hurt ...<P>I was thinking the very same thing ... could it be Mourning's H is using this ridiculously old issue as an excuse for something he's doing now. You know a "Guilt Reliever"? <P>I'm thinking he's anger over something that happened many years ago, that was not during a marriage union, is a bit suspect.<P>I guess I too am just a tad bit cynical.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 07, 2000).]

I am sorry about your problems, I really don't know your story but I am more concerned about your depression at this point. <P>My H. is currently in a deep depression (he won't take meds and won't do counseling) and I have done alot of research on depression so I feel like I know what I am talking about. <P>You need to deal with your depression first and foremost before trying to fix your marriage problems. Please see a doctor and get yourself on meds (you definately sound like you have enough of the symptoms that you need them) and seek counseling for yourself. Once you are feeling better perhaps you can talk to your H. about going to counseling w/you to resolve your marital issues. Please be strong enough to get help for yourself-you deserve it!!! There is a better live out there just waiting for you!!

Back up to the TOP!<P>Mourning,<P>How are you today, Hon???? Please tell me what's going on, I'm concerned.<P>Were you able to get some sleep, are you still drinking? Have you talked with your H at all? <P>Please respond so we know how you are, okay?<P>Concerned,<BR>Jo

hi mourning,<P>no you are no 'ho...no way, that is so normal, so stop beating yourself up about it, he would have done the same thing because that is what people do.<P>i have been going thru hell myself but couldn't afford the alcohol (we are nearly bankrupt) so i went to the doctor and told him all and am now on anti depressants which i swear by....please go to your doctor and let them help you get thru this, you don't have to do it alone.<P>so sorry for your pain.<P>steph. <P>p.s. just read all the other replies and realise my advice has already been given by others...sorry!<p>[This message has been edited by torn&broken (edited October 08, 2000).]

No you are not a 'ho. You've already got good advice and opinions, but I'd say come on, even if he was to be upset at finding out you were still seeing BF 1 for 4 months while you started dating, the point is, you married your husband. I can see someone being a little surprised and/or even hurt to hear this, depending on what commitment you had at the time, but it is no big deal. It was a long time ago, and you chose your H. End of story. I wonder if he is trying to make you feel guilty for some reason, which was already suggested by others. I 2nd the advice by others about alcohol. Take care.<P>

Mourning, I'm very concerned about you. Are you OK?

I'm OK. I promise, no more drinking and posting! I'll only post sober from now on.<BR>Hey, I'm not ready for AA yet. I just have a little wine, or a couple bottles of beer in the evening to help me unwind. I don't feel so tense that I'm going to jump right out of my skin that way.<BR>H and I are seeing marriage counselor. I can't take antidepressants. They faciitate manic episodes. I just roll up the windows on my car and listen to Ozzy, Hole or Metallica REALLY, REALLY LOUD! That will kill any depression. Like electroshock for the ears.<BR>Anyway, thanks guys. I took today as a free day from work, just to sleep and watch TV. I have enough comp time for the year. H comes home at noon. We might go to the new casino across the border in Canada. Kind of like a date. <BR>I'll check back tomorrow.<BR>M