I had an appointment with Steve Harley last week. He wants to talk to H to get his perspective. H said not problem! Didn't balk at all!<P>Last night, we talked on the phone for about 3 hours. Part of what we talked about was this forum. He had lots of questions....<P>He said that he wasn't sure what I wanted from this relationship. I thought I had made that clear...H said no. I told him that what I was doing on this forum was to try and understand what happened in our marriage, what I need to do within myself to make rebuilding our marriage a possibility. I told him that I was terribly unhappy at the time that he started his affair and regardless of whether we were together or not, I want to be happy. So there was some soul searching that I need to do and changes that I needed to make to make that possible.<P>He remarked again that my reaction to all this still shocks him. He asked how I managed to stay so positive and still do all the things (work, kids,etc.) that I need to do without getting down and depressed. I'm impressed myself that this is his perception. I did not realize I've done such a good job of hiding my crying spells and self pity from him.<P>I told him about the support that I feel from this site. Told him that reading success stories kept me motivated. Told him that I realize from coming here that our story is not as unique as I thought. Also told him about the different sections of the forum and how you could see a new person first posting telling about the spouse saying "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". And how many times this goes to finding out about an affair. And between these are the snooping and questions about how could it happen to me, then the pain of actually finding out. After reading for a while, you can almost feel it coming. He asked if he said the "not in love with you" thing to me. Do they really not remember these things????? I laughed and told him that not only did he say that to me several times, but the fact that he now doesn't remember it comes up pretty regularly also. I did remind him that just because it happens in the same way a lot of times, that doesn't make the pain associated with it any easier.<P>He asked what I focused on in my session with Steve Harley. H wanted to know how much I told him about him and what he had to say about H.<P>He wanted to know what kind of things I post about and what kind of responses I got. He asked if there were any that I would be comfortable with letting him read! This is huge for him. Although, the things I've written weren't intended for him to read- don't know if I really want to share that much just yet. But, I'm sure I can find something that wouldn't be too uncomfortable.<P>He asked if I was concerned that I was following advice from someone that may not be too stable, or if the advice might be detrimental. I told him that this is just like any other group of people- some are saner that others and each one has a different personality. But one thing that's always there- honesty. I think we all admit things here that we don't admit to anyone else. And I long ago stopped trying to talk to people I actually know- their advice has always been "RUN AWAY! GET OUT!"<P>He wanted to make sure he told me some things that he doesn't think he's told me enough in the last couple of years...<BR>-I am very attractive. He's happy to see that I feel better about my body since I lost some weight- my style of clothing is much more attractive- dressing like a woman now instead of a mom going to work.<BR>-I am a good mom. He likes how much time and energy I put into their education and he is proud of them. He thinks this is one of his major shortcomings.<BR>-I have a great personality. He said this has been hidden for while behind a wall of anger and resentment, but it's wonderful to see the real me coming out again.<BR>-I've done a great job remodeling the house and my housekeeping has improved dramatically.<P>Our anniversary is today (12 years). He told me that he is confused about what to do or not do, but he does want me to know that he remembers it and has happy memories associated with it, but knows it will be a difficult day this year.<P>One thing that Steve Harley wnated me to do was the Lovebuster questionnaire from Hs perspective- both in the past and now. I told H I had some homework, he told me that he would be glad to help me with it if I need him to. I told him that I didn't want to push him to concentrate on something that he didn't want to deal with right now, but I could use all the help I could get. We are going to do it this afternoon.<P>I'm feeling very hopeful after this conversation. I guess it's OK to have relationship discussions if he brings it up?<BR>Sorry this is so long, but if any of you actually made it to the end, I would appreciate any insight.<BR>

Wow Cloudy,<BR>I think that was great. He seems to be aware of the changes in you and starting to see some of his responsibiity in this whole thing. Thats exactly what needs to happen for recovery I think!<P>Its also good that he agreed to talk to Steve. Maybe if you aren't comfortable showing him one of your posts, you could find one someone else wrote that you responded on. Might show him similarities and not be so scary to you.<P>Be careful not to push at this stage, let him lead the conversations and when you talk about it. And be sure to stop if he gets uncomfortable. You can always tell him to ask Steve if there are some questions that seem like they will be to hard for him to hear the answers from you. <P>You sound great. You have shown him you are strong and committed, everything he needs in a spouse ( and attractive, a good domestic support, a good mom.) Sounds like he is starting to see you can meet his needs, and probably realizing OW can't. I love it! and I'm a little jealous <P>Hang in there, take it slow, be patient.<BR>We are all pulling for you !<BR>Lora

Anniversary yesterday-<BR>Had a very comfortable day. H brought breakfast over, then left to perform some secret mission with stepson's girlfriend. Came back about an hour later with 2 huge gorgeous ferns for the front porch and a card that he had written. I made a comment about 2 weeks ago about needing to go get more ferns because mine died.<P>This is not a real personal gift, but it means a lot to me. This was not H remembering that he needed to get a gift and wandering around in a store to find something... anything to give. This was thoughtful. And he was so so excited, secretive- kept giving little hints- I would bite, he refused to give more info. It's been such a long time since he showed joy in buying something for me- it has been done out of duty and not from the heart. He actually had fun with this one.<P>Lora-<BR>It's really hard not to take the ball and run with it, but I'm really trying to take it slow, expect setbacks, etc. In fact, if he holds true to his pattern, the closeness we felt this weekend scares him and he will back off for a couple of days. I'm prepared. I think.

Oh Cloudy,<P>I'm at work, so can't type much (what a change huh?), but I agree with Lora...WOW!<P>Give yourself a huge pat on the back, you stayed totally consistent during the worst, and I will pray that this is your H beginning to come out of the fog...please God.<P>Be cautious, be strong, you are a better person now and he is beginning to open his eyes to it.<P>allison<BR>

Allison-<BR>Thanks! I really have to remind myself not to get too excited over his recent changes. It was just last weekend that I was thinking that he was suicidal or something.<P>And I still believe that if the OW left her H tomorrow, my H would be right back where he was a few months ago- completely focused on her and them.<P>But, he is seeming more like the old H. I took a key to the house to him at work today because he was picking up the kids and would be here before I got home. As I was leaving, he KISSED me! And this was not me waiting around for it, cuz it never even crossed my mind. WOW!<P>OK,OK, don't get excited. Don't get carried away. Continue the Plan A, but DO NOT PUSH! Keep the expectations low. Right?

<P>------------------<BR><I>No rain, no rainbows</I>

LOL Cloudy,<P>You can't fool me, I could almost hear the excitement in your post...and your fear.<P>It sounds just wonderful. You sound wonderful. It's impossible not to get excited, and I don't want to be a downer at all, but remember...it's a roller coaster. If things don't stay great, you keep up your great attitude. I'm finding this impossible right now, so you are giving me the motivation to stick it out. Thank you.<P>As I sit here listening to my phone ring (I refuse to answer it) I wonder what the heck I am doing. Certainly giving in to my fear...trying to protect myself. I think I'd better back up and take another look at what I'm doing. Wish I had the $ to call Steve H.<P>Oh well, enough of my little pity party. I think you are doing wonderfully. Proceed with caution Cloudy. <P>allison

Allison-<BR>Go look between your couch cushions and in the seats of your car, check the dryer- and anywhere else you might find a little extra money- if you can dig it up, call Steve!<P>Leilana-<BR>Thanks for the <P>I know, I know -rollercoaster. It's just that it's been so long since I've really felt that I've gotten much response and I've been Plan Aing my butt off!<P>Ok, so yesterday he bought ferns that I mentioned wanting a couple of weeks ago. After he left my house tonight, he called to tell me he had arranged for some firewood to be delivered tomorrow. I asked him a couple of days ago if he knew someone I could call to get some. He said he didn't and was absolutely no help that day. And now, he has it all arranged! Two days in row! And a kiss- in public! <P>Rollercoaster.