Hello All, <P>I think this just might be more venting then anything else but...<P>My W's grandparents are very sick and are going to die, so on Saturday she left for the east coast (we live west)... On her way out the door I gave her an oppertuntiy to come 'clean' with me and tell me anything she might want to be honest about. See while she was in the shower, I went through her briefcase and found a love letter the OM wrote to her professing how much he loved her. She went on and on about NOTHING going on and how we will be fine.... As she pulled out of the driveway I let her know I had his letter and her look of 'busted' was overwhelming. I went into how many time have you had sex with him etc.... All in all as everyone knows, IT REALLY HURTS!!! I have really known for a few weeks but never really knew how to approach her. She called last night telling me how sad and 'lonely' she is. and how she was in a 'bad place' now. I do want to work this out, but she doesn't want to go to therapy and says that therapy can not fix all problems, if any at all.<BR>One major problem is that my W and I work @ the same company, so does the OM. I asked him to meet me outside to chat, he did. It was very calm, even though I wanted to rip his eyes out. I let him know that now I wake up from nightmares and only see his face. I let him know all my feeling and how much pain I will have to suffer and the baggage I now will have to carry for years.<BR>All in all, I hope that my W will see what she has/had and will want to make an attempt at this again... I do feel like I dying bigtime inside...<P>Thanks for reading.....

I feel really bad for you and know what you are going through. It is difficult to describe the sickening feeling you have inside. The stuff about therapy not being able to fix anything is standard for the WS to say when they feel they are in love with someone else. The can't say that anything could be fixed, otherwise they wouldn't be able to justify their affair. I get the same thing, and it drives me crazy, because we all know things can be fixed...it just takes two to work on them.<P>You deserve a medal for remaining calm while chatting with OM. I know how you feel about wanting to act otherwise. That must have been one of the hardest things you have ever done, but you did the right thing.<P>You'll get lots of advice, but learn about Plan A if you haven't already, and do it starting now. Read about emotional needs, and start working on fulfulling your wife's ENs as much as you can. There is always something wrong in the marriage when one strays. Take a good look. The fact that your wife admitted that she is sad and lonely, and is in a bad place is good. Now you can work on making your marriage better, but dont' expect it to happen overnight. It is a slow process.<P>It might be too soon to think about this, but at some point I think you and your wife will have to think about switching companies, if you follow the recovery rules outlined on MB, because no contact with OM is in order. However, I wouldn't bring it up yet...not until she wants to work on the marriage.<P>She is lucky to have someone that is willing to work through this and try to make it better. Vent as much as you need here, because it helps. I've only known about MB for a couple of months, but it has helped alot. Take care.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited October 09, 2000).]

Hi Rick, <P>thanks for the message!! You actually replied to another in the past stating that you felt that this is what is happening, but of course I didn't want to believe it.<P>I even let her know that her claiming that she did it because of a 'lie' 4 years ago was just an excuse and justification to do this, but she says that my therapist and everyone else that says this can F*** off because they don't know the situation and have never been there before... more denial eh <P>I try and meet her EN but she doesn't even want to touch me, look at me, barely talk to me at this point. I didn't even do her laundry this weekend as the dog had her nose into specific articles of clothing that I know were worn during the A. I know it is trival, but basing on EN etc.. I have done the laundry every week for the last 5 yrs, I wonder if maybe I should tonight before she comes home tomorrow....

A good friend told me that he could guarantee me that my wife had done it with OM back in July, and I simply said no way. He was right.<P>I guess you are seeing that there isn't much point in telling her about her excuses for doing it not making sense. And the therapist and everyone not knowing the situation...that is standard talk. I get the same thing. It is just the usual crap that is part of the fog.<P>I've been doing the laundry for months now since she went on housework leave of absence, and sometimes I want to leave it all to send a message, but I'm convinced that at the end of all this, we just look better for keeping things in order. The more things that don't look attractive when considering returning, the worse it would be. That is just my opinion. I do it because I want a clean house and clean clothes. Sometimes I feel like telling her how degrading it is to have been washing her sexy panties for the past few months that OM has been removing from her body, but I keep that inside because it won't do any good. Sorry for the graphic nature of that. It is sickening though.<P>I can't remember...do you have kids? At least she knows that you know now. I think that is good. Maybe an LB in telling her, but the secret has to come out, so I think it is good. I did the driveway thing too one time when she was heading out....she got all flustered and crazy, but still clung to the idea that I have no proof.<P>Since your wife is coming home tomorrow, how about some flowers sitting in the kitchen, and a nice meal ready, or whatever surprise you can think of. Just something nice. Be there for her.<P>Someone on here suggested I send flowers to my wife at work...I did it and it was a hit. Doesn't stop OM right now, but got my first kiss on the lips in a long time when she got home.<P>This Plan A stuff and being nice under these circumstances is really hard, but I think it is necessary.<P>

Rick & Haunting_past,<P>Just want to tell you guys how lucky you both are that your W's have not expressed a desire to divorce you. You both seem to have found out about OM early on and your W's at this point can't decide between you and the OM.<P>Count your blessings and Plan A!!!<P>I am not so fortunate in that my W has had EA with OM for 2 or 3 years prior to my discovery (and maybe 25 years being it's her HS crush!) and PA for about 9 months. And by the way, she filed for D 4 months ago and I Plan A'd best I could for about 2 months and then couldn't hack it anymore. Call me weak.<P>Anyway, you guys have a better chance at staying on top of it being that your WS's relationship with OM is young. Keep it going!!!<P>Jay

cat, <P>Sorry to hear of your pain, and no you are NOT weak... I believe my W has made up her mind and is just 'searching' for the 'right way' to tell me. So there has been more than an expression to leave...

HP:<P>I am so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. I know and understand it all too well.<P>What did OM say when you confronted him? What has W said since the confrontation?<P>Most importantly, how are YOU doing? What action do you want to take?<P>All the best to you. --HBC

Hurt, <P>Thanks for the message. The OM just was really indifferent, so it seemed. He talked how all my W talks about when they are together is me. And when he is 'doing' her all he thinks about is me... Sorry for the next line but I say F*** 'em both!!! My W was just worried about her integerity at work. I started thinking that if someone didn't do anything to mess with their integerity, then they wouldn't have to worry about it. She came home from her trip to see her family last night and seemed 'so loving', but I do know that she also just came back from seeing him... I started to sleep in another room last night and it hurt really bad. Especially knowing that she was just down the hall.... I feel that if she actually told me that she is in love with the OM, and she is sleeping with him, and how she has an infection (down there) that I should no longer sleep in the same bed. With the infection thing... it really makes me sick as she never had an 'infection' with me, but as soon as she starts sleeping with someone else... and she thinks it is because of wearing pantyhose last week.... that really makes me mad. <P>I was weak 15 min before wake up time and crawled in bed with her.... I just thought how she seemed so happy to see me last night and I was cold because of the situation.. I caved in. She told me this morning that I don't have to sleep in the other room. I'm just so confused....<P>thanks for reading<BR>

I am afraid you are in for a world of <BR>hurt. She is not being honest with you and<BR>still seeing the OM. She even has an infection from him. I think you deserve a<BR>lot better in your life. Good Luck