Wife plans on leaving in 3 weeks to house she bought after saying it was over. I pay the downpayment. Long story short...if it works out, so what, we rent this or sell it. I have to do a separation agreement before giving the money, even though wife thinks we don't need one. Two months ago, she gave our front door curtain to OM as a gift that he thinks she made (NOT), and he was so impressed. My spiteful side wants to put in the agreement that the curtain shall be returned prior to $$ being given.<P>I don't think I'll really do it because it just becomes a bribe, ransom, and LB, but I really feel like doing it.<P>That would be a bad idea, right?<P>After I give the $$, the ball is not in my court anymore....

Rick, <P>After all your wonderful replies, I feel like I need to reply to you. <P>Don't do it!! I really don't understand why you would even give her money for the down..<BR>But ultimately the curtain is not going to change anything. Personally I would tell the OM that she didn't make it, and to see the lies that she is alreay giving him. I think other people would have a differnet opinion on this, as this I think is a LB, but at least you can clear your conscience a bit...

Rick:<P>Sorry to hear that things are still rough for you and the W. I hope that you're managing to get through these difficult next few weeks more or less intact.<P>As for your question, the title of your post indicates that you know what the "right" answer is. I've never been in your position, but I would think that it's totally natural to want to lash out in some way, to hurt or embarass those who hurt and embarrassed you. But what you've proposed won't really hurt anyone, and will just make you look small and petty during a difficult time. <P>I know that a year from now, you'll want to be able to look back on this period in your life and not have any regrets or moments of wincing about how you handled things. You've been incredibly patient and giving so far, so that won't be a problem in any major way. This is a small thing, and not worth the time of someone with as large a heart as yours. Let the curtain go.<P>Good luck with everything.

Thanks. I can probably sound reasonably together on other posts but like a moron on my own. I did ask several weeks ago about the curtain thing, and everyone said "don't say a thing"...just an LB and all it does is bring them closer.<P>As for giving her the downpayment, it sounds crazy, I know. But if she indeed leaves, what she is asking for in terms of monthly support is very reasonable. Also, I have always thought that leaving will be harder than she thinks, and our housing market is really good. So the $$ I give her would be in the agreement, and constitute part of any settlement, but if she doesn't leave or comes back, we rent or sell. Also, I want good living for the kids, and when I saw this place, I thought she wouldn't find much that would be better. So to me money wasn't the issue....I figured if it does happen, it is a good place, rather than renting and bouncing around and messing up the kids. She agreed to leave since she is the one not wanting to work on the marriage. The other thing is that she could get a lawyer and get lots more out of me if she wanted, so I figure keeping them out and keeping it amicable is best in the long run.<P>Make sense?<BR>

Rick:<P>You don't sound like a moron at all. In fact, you sound completely together. On the $$ issue, I'd make sure that the separation agreement is signed before you give the money and that the down payment is reflected in it, but it sounds like you already know that. Otherwise, sounds like you're totally thinking about the right things (your kids, keeping things amicable, etc.).<P>There was a moment in "The War of the Roses", where Danny De Vito gives what he says is his standard spiel to clients coming to him to seek a divorce. Essentially, it's to be as absolutely generous and kind as they know how to be, and then some. At best, things work out, at worst, everything is over quickly and you can move on. Good advice, I thought, for a movie . . <P>Good luck

Rick, <P>I've been following your posts recently since we appear to be in a similar situation. Just a couple of thoughts:<P>As someone else mentioned about the curtain, who cares, in the grand scheme of things whether she made it or not and whether Om really knows doesn't matter. The important thing is to avoid LBing, it took me about 6 months to have that driven into my skull.<P>As for the downpayment that's a personal decsion, but does W work? Can she afford to move out without your financial assistance?<P>It appears that you haven't consulted an atty. but you may want to discuss your rights and obligations with an atty. before making any final decsion. Your W doesn't need to know you consulted anyone; Don't be so sure she could get a lot more until you talk with an atty; but you should look to protect yourself in the event things don't work out.<P>When my W moved to an apartment she told me she wanted to be formally seperated, I don't practice that type of law but I simply told her that you need grounds in this state and last time I checked the fact that you are having an A isn't grounds; she gave me some BS about relocating to Nevada to take advantage of their state laws...<BR>I said Go ahead...it hasn't been mentioned since.<P><BR>My W has a good job so she can afford the rent but she has suffered a SEVERE drop off in lifestyle. No more shopping sprees and she basically lives like college student with a small T.V. and minimal furnishings, (my MIL keeps me posted)<P>I occasionally see signs the fog is lifting but sometimes it rolls back in by the next day so I stay in Plan A until I've had enough.<P>One more thing, if you haven't counseled with one of the Harleys I strongly reccomend calling Steve, he has helped me tremendously and there is no way I could have made it this far without his help and insight. <P>Just my two cents for whatever it worth. Good luck<P>Jack

Just some answers...<P>I did consult an attorney. Where I live, you can separate for any reason, and conduct is not considered when determining support payments. For kids, it goes by a chart based on incomes and number of kids. Spousal can vary.<P>My wife was a stay at home mom for 4 years, before starting to work early 2000. So she'd do fine if she got a lawyer. She is asking for less than what a lawyer would suggest, basing it on her new income. I dont' rule out that she'll ask for more in the future, because I don't think she thinks rationally about all the expenses. There will be nothing to spare. But I also hope that if she leaves, it provides a dose of reality, and helps her to come back.<P>I think we have a strange case....she still asks me to come in and talk to her when she takes a bath, still wants foot/back rubs, sleeps in same bed, uses me as a human pillow at night, and calls me at work, and at home when she works. But, evening comes and the excuses start, and out she goes and I know where the destination is. I wonder if she is just being nice and will turn when she leaves. But I don't think so. I'm hoping the opposite...that all these things she is used to will hit her when she leaves, and the fantasy breaks up.<P>Thanks for the support.

Rick37,<P> "Moron", not even close. I think everybody at some point in their lives considers doing some sort of vengeful or spiteful act. Whether it be in hopes of proving you care, or simply instant self gratification. The important thing is, is that it has not gone any further than your mind. You are indeed the *better man* And you will feel better in the long run for not acting on this.<P> I am not going through the *same* experiences that you are, but I know all to well how it feels to be told that the marriage is over, and that same night have my H snuggle, use me as a pillow, and ask me to wash his hair in the shower....like everything is perfectly normal in their eyes.<BR>It can be one wicked roller coaster ride, that is operated by the spouse. H eventually told me that he was trying to ease his own guilt for putting me through so much HE**.<P> Anyway, now that my reply sounds like I'm a total *moron*, (maybe we should start a moron club (haha)) I simply wanted to say that you are the *better man*, and you will be rewarded. As for the curtins....the truth will come out....it always does.<P> Wishing you and Your kids more peaceful days, and the best of luck.<BR>