I am really struggling with an issue in my life, and need some outside counsel and encouragement. I am being tempted to have an affair.<P>Of all the things my husband and I have lacked, love has never been one of them. Even when he cheated on me, he loved me and had no feelings for the OW. And I truly loved him in return, and always have.<P>OH...this is so difficult to talk about. I have very strong ideals about marriage and committment and fidelity. Why is this even an issue for me? <P>Is this because of my husband's infidelity? Did his affair give me the illusion that our "sacred union" has now been broken and does not need or deserve my protection? Like we are now "spoiled goods?"<P>Can anyone out there relate to what I am going through?<P>There is a man my H and I are both friends with - him and his W and kids. We are close - we work together, go the same church, are in the same circle of friends. We even have Bible studies at their house once a week. He has been a great help to my H and I during my H's last affair and is a sort of friend/mentor to my H. He has also come through for me during some difficult times.<P>I have *done* nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even an inappropriate glance. But on a couple of occassions I have been swept up in a fantasy...<P>I see myself leaving work and meeting him at his house. His kids are at school and his wife is at work. We sit in his living room and we talk. For hours. He gets up to get me a soda and sits down next to me. We talk some more. Eventually we disclose our mutual attraction. He touches me - on the shoulder, or hand, or face. There is more discussion - of what we are feeling, of what we would like to do. We kiss, begin to explore each other. <P>At this point in the fantasy my real body is shaking. I am thinking - this is too strong. If this were to happen, I could not resist it. And I *want* it to happen, with every fiber in my being. I want it so much I am thinking fast of things I can do to make it happen - thinking, How soon can I see him, is he home now?<P>After the fantasy has ended, however, I am horrified, and firmly in my "right mind." I cannot imagine what has come over me. How could I have entertained such thoughts? Yet, the fantasy always resurfaces in a few days and once again I feel overwhelmed with this foreign emotion.<P>What is going on with me? Why am I falling prey to such a temptation? I have not ever before been tempted like this. Why now? How can I make it go away?<P>Then there are my *actions.* Any wisdom for controlling them? What to do or not do? These people are great friends and have been a huge support system for my H and I. So far I have been successful in controlling my actions but I am not sure I always will be. <P>I am afraid of what I might do. I am afraid of what I am feeling. I do not want this!<P>Please, please do help me. I know you people are a great source of wisdom. And I really need some!<p>[This message has been edited by WorthItForEternity (edited October 09, 2000).]

D-day. Remember that feeling? Oh, what a joy <P>Let's continue this fantasy to it's ultimate conclusion. OM becomes distant to his W. After a few heated discussions he "come clean" and beggs for her forgiveness. She is now going through what you are very fimiliar with but she leaves with the childeren never to return. The whole afaire comes out in the open. Your husband also gets his D-day. He goes into extream depression and withdrawl. If he ever says more than 2 words to you it is a good day. His world is distroyed but he does not feel he has the right to make any demands because of his past. Depressoin is his whole world now. Meanwhile, OM is embaressed to say the least. How can he face the public again. How can he go to church and face all those people there? So alone in the garage he closes up the doors and tapes up all the cracks. He then starts his car and lays down in the seat as if to go to sleep. ... and sleeps forever.<P>Happy ending, huh.<P>Fantasy is just fantasy. I have a few I save for the shower but real life is so much different. What you are going through is not fantasy but infatuation. I don't know of any quick cure but for now you better start putting some distance between you two.

Worthit:<P>Genuinely sorry to hear you so full of distress. I've been a WS in the past, so take whatever thoughts I have with a grain of salt.<P>It seems to me unlikely that you really feel that your marriage is damaged goods, or that you don't have to work to defend it. The fact that you're still with your H after what I assume to be repeated affairs is testimony to that. Knowing that your H has been unfaithful, has been able to conceive of having sex with someone outside your union, might have triggered some of these thoughts in you, but I don't know you well enough to know -- have you ever felt attraction towards other men at other times during your marriage?<P>In any event, I don't think that the odd thought or fantasy is anything to get unduly concerned about, unless you ARE concerned about it, which you appear to be. Human sexuality is a pretty mysterious thing, and we can't always control the images and desires that our minds throw up at us. It would be sort of un-natural if you hadn't ever felt an attraction for anyone else. As long as there's nothing seriously wrong otherwise, your actions, not your thoughts, should be your guide, and you're doing fine there.<P>I guess it seems as though you're concerned that there MIGHT be something seriously wrong. I assume from this that you haven't had these kinds of thoughts before, or the intensity of them is different this time. That can be a scary thing. But if you want some advice from someone who's been there, and hasn't handled it too well, these things just get worse the longer they're kept in the dark. The best way to defuse these feelings is to let them out into the light -- tell your H, if you wish, or a girlfriend, or the other man. You can make it seem like a little joke, or funny story. In any event, talking about it might make the feelings seem less scary, even a little funny, and certainly no longer dangerous.<P>While you're at it, of course, you might want to think about your own feelings towards your H and your marriage. Make sure that everything is right with your emotional ship, etc.<P>All my best wishes to you. Don't stress too badly. Unlike me, for example, you've really done nothing wrong, and recognize the issue before it's gotten out of control. You're doing fine. Take care.

"... Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil!..."<P>I prayed this fervently and it was answered.

Joe is right. How could you even think of doing to another wife what was done to you?!<BR>Are you cruel by nature? Think about it. You are putting your "happiness" over hers, not to mention your H's. Have you learned nothing from the traumatic experience you've just gone thru in your own marriage?<P>Elevate yourself. <P>This is from the Dalai Lama e-mail that's been floating around:<P>2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.<P>3. Follow the three R's:<P>Respect for self<P>Respect for others and<P>Responsibility for all your actions. <P>4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.<P>7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.<P>9. Open your arms to change but don't let go of your values.<P>11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.<P>12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.<P>Those are only the ones I think that apply here anyway.<P>One last thing, you need to tell your H what you are feeling--he needs to know (just as he SHOULD HAVE told you of his attractions and urges before he went ahead and acted on them) and you need to protect yourself against your weakness. You should not put yourself in situations near this man. You should avoid all interaction with him and his family. Harsh but true. Find new mentors and friends. Any Harley counselor will tell you the same.<P>Honey, MY H was a mentor for OW and her H. She cried on his shoulder at work so he tried to counsel her and tried to "coach" her (clueless) H in order to help their marriage. Instead, she fell in love with my H, pursued him, ruined both our marriages and the future of her children, all our reputations in our community and affected all the relationships we have with family and friends. And it can never be taken back. <P>Get away from that man and either concentrate or get out of your marriage before you ruin more lives.<P>Seriously. I know what I'm talking about here. Snap out of it!<P>And I totally believe in prayer, too.

Thank you so much!<P>Joe - yes, I remember D-Day. I was crushed, and in serious pain. This may sound incredible, but I don't really know that it would affect my H in the same way. I wish I knew that it *would* hurt him as much as it hurt me. Believe me, that would be a powerful deterrant. I have asked him how he would feel if I ever cheated. He said, "I would be disappointed, but I would want to work it out with you." He also said that he would feel he had failed me by not giving me what I needed. But there was no hint that he would experience the anguish I went through when HE cheated.<P>But yes, I realize acting on my fantasy would most likely bring about disasterous results. However, when I'm in my "right mind" I would never consider it to begin with. And when I'm experiencing the throes of the fantasy, I don't think I care a whit about consequences. It's a very odd state of mind, and I fear it very much.<P>I'm not sure what you mean by "fantasy is just fantasy." Isn't all fantasy a revelation of something that is missing in your life, of a longing in your heart? I don't buy that "it doesn't mean anything, it's just a fantasy" business. It always means something. <P>And I don't believe I'm infatuated with this man, anyway. I've been infatuated before. I know what it feels like. This is a good, decent man, and an asset to my H and I. But there is nothing special about him. When I'm around him in real life I am not drawn to him, he's just a nice, comfy person to be around and a good friend.<P>In my fantasy, all that changes, though. He and I have a connection, an intimacy, a shared attraction. Then there is the conquest, the first sexual contact, the heady drug of being and feeling irresistable. These are the essential ingredients. It is not about him, really.<P>Taxman, thank you so much for posting. <P>No, I have not ever felt a sexual attraction to anyone other than my H. So I do not have a history of overcoming them, but I can clearly see my H's history of NOT overcoming them. I think I need to talk to people who have had these desires and NOT acted on them, and eventually got over them, to know what path I should take. I know my H struggled for months with his temptations. He would have small victories but then eventually always give in. I think part of what is scaring me is the sense of inevitability, the unspoken idea that eventually, I will give in. That this is the only way a temptation like this can ever go away, that it can't truly be conquered.<P>I did tell my H about the fantasy. For a very short time, it took away the sting. But only a short time. His reaction was also disconcerting. It was relief. I've always been WAY up on a pedestal to him, and he said this made me seem more human. It was no longer, "she's the saint and I'm the devil" type of situation. He was relieved to know I'd been through some of the same struggles as him.<P>I do NOT think it would be a good idea to tell the OM. That, in a sense, is acting on my fantasy. Speaking of our attraction to each other. And what effect would it have on him? He would be flattered, and then he might possibly think of me as an outlet to get what he is missing from his marriage! That is exactly what happens in my fantasy! So I don't think this is a good idea.<P>I cannot think of what might be missing from my own marriage revealed in this fantasy. Excitement, perhaps? I'm not sure.<P>Karenna, that is a great prayer. Thank you deeply.<P>Leilana, thank you for writing as well. Although this "how could you think of doing that?" business is a little off-base. I used to have that same indignation towards my H. Not anymore. I understand completely what he was going through. No one EVER thinks that infidelity is a good idea. Not him, not me.

WorthIt:<P>If you've never experienced those types of feelings before, I can see why it would be causing you such distress. If your husband has been unfaithful before, I can also see why he might be relieved to know that he's not the only one in the marriage who has experienced the pull of less-than-wholesome desires.<P>Upon reflection, you're no doubt right that mentioning anything to the other man would be a mistake, could be "acting" on your fantasy in some way. Initially, I had meant only that if you felt comfortable enough that the feeling wouldn't be returned, you could perhaps disarm the fantasy by having a good laugh over it. In retrospect, you're right that doing so would at best be awkward, at worst be seen as an invitation.<P>I DO think that you should continue to talk to your husband about this, though, even if it didn't help so much the first time. It's something that obviously concerns you, and if you're going to be in a marriage with this man, you should be able to share with him things that trouble you (I know how hard that can be sometimes -- you don't want to hurt anyone, don't want to make waves, don't want to make more of something than it is, etc., but it's probably worth it here). Plus, continued airing of the issue can only be good for both of you.<P>I've "gotten over" little crushes before they led to anything (though I didn't get over the one that led to my A until it was too late), but I usually didn't get over them until something stopped regular contact with the person -- whether it was an external force or something I chose to do. Accordingly, I'd agree with Joe and Leilana that you might need to cut off contact with this man before you'll be able to "get over" the crush you have on him.<P>Only you can answer whether there's anything "missing" in your marriage that would cause you to have this kind of fantasy. But based on the little you've posted, I can think of at least one thing that your marriage is "missing", and that's a faithful spouse. This other man, who (it seems) shares your beliefs, is a good friend to your H, and (you assume, presumably without really knowing) is a good husband to HIS wife, might have come to represent something that you wish your H could be. He's been kind and understanding, etc., etc. While it's not inevitable that you might find yourself attracted to him, I don't think it's entirely surprising, either.<P>Again, though, I wouldn't fret too much about this -- fantasies are only harmful if they affect your behavior or are signifiers for deeper problems. With a few precautions, you can make sure that the former won't occur: Keep talking to your H; if the feelings don't go away or get better, lessen/cut off contact with the other man, hard as that may be. As for the latter, continue throughout to think about yourself, what you want, what you want your marriage/life to be. Good luck!

Dear Worthit...<P>I can relate to what you are experiencing. My H has a friend that has been close to us for years, ever since we met actually. He is alot different than my H, more affectionate, sensitive and attentive. <P>He is unattacted and has been the entire time that I have known him {about 13 yrs.}. He has told me often that he had feelings for me and I will admit that from time to time I have wondered what it would be like with him as he is alot different from my H.<P>During our separation, the opportunity arose for "us" to be together and I can remember feeling so many different emotions running through me. Actually arguing with myself, trying to justify what I knew in my heart was wrong.<P>You speak of bible study and church so I am assuming that you are a religious person as I am. So, I will explain my outlook on this issue.<P>Me belief is that Satan is trying very hard to undermind anything Holy... like marriage and family. I believe that he plays a big parts in instilling these impure thoughts in our heads to make us weak.<P>I also believe that the arguing with myself over the matter was a case of the Satan and the Holy Spirit at war with each other but has you know I am sure... God gives us free will. So in my mind, it is a choice... you either choose to listen to the influences of Satan, which in the end you know will cause even more trouble, hurt and pain as that is the business that he is in. Or you listen to your conscience which I beleive to be the Holy Spirit and do what you know in your heart is right.<P>The only advice I can offer you is this....<P>1. Follow your heart and resist the temptation.<BR>2. Pray for God to help you fight off these thoughts and the temptation that you feel.<P>As far as your question as to whether you thought that the sacred bond had been broken or not? No, I don't beleive that you feel that it has been broken, if that were the case then you would not be in conflict the way you are.<P>I would also suggest that perhaps you have a war of your own going on inside. One side tells you one thing and even trys to justify this action yet the other side of you tells you no this is not right. <P>I often described it as the little devil and the little angel on my shoulders just like in the cartoons. Just as when we were kids watching and telling the cartoon character to listen to the angel and saying "NO" when it looked as if the character was leaning towards the little devils side.... I tell you "DON'T LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE DEVIL."<P>I know that sounds corny and childish but its the best way I know to explain. I sure do hope that I have helped you some. Just know that God is there to help you, if you will only ask for his help. <P>Genie

Sorry if I sounded indignant, critical or judgemental. Actually I was going for hurt and incredulous but not in an insulting sort of way. <P>It's just that the OW in our case felt justified in having my H because she blamed her H for all of her unhappiness.<P>I have a sister-in-law who is seeing a married man because of resentment she feels from her H's past A and faults.<P>They both know infidelity isn't a good idea as well. But they both did it anyway. It's a choice they should never have made. <P>Even <B>I</B> completely understand what my H was going thru. But though I've had the opportunity and occasionally the inclination, it's basically a no-brainer -- run the other way!<P> <P><BR>

WorthIt:<P>I know where you're coming from. Since I found out about the many loves of HBC's H I have at times indulged myself in some serious fantasizing about a guy at work. <P>But, you know what, I feel guilty when I have any fantasies about him--even though we, too, have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. <P>You asked why you were falling prey to such temptation. Although I cannot say for certain, I would guess that in your fantasy this man treats you like a queen and you only have eyes for each other. I'm willing to bet the fantasy about conversation indicates a missing emotional need in your marriage; have you completed the emotional needs questionaire available elsewhere on this site? That might give you and your H some insight into how to treat each other.<P>What action do you take? By all means, make sure you are NEVER alone with this fantasy man. Not even for a short while for an innocent soda and conversation--look where your fantasy leads!<P>I am betting that this man, while I'm sure he is a great guy, would never match the fantasy, just as the guy at my work never would. The thing about affairs is that they are based on fantasy! That's the problem. Keep reminding yourself of something that turns you off about this guy (the guy from my work doesn't like to read--that's a real turn off for me). And work on your marriage. It sounds as though you and your H are on the road to recovery. Read some more of the Marriage Builders site and try working on some of the exercises together. Get your H in tune with what YOUR emotional needs are. The better he is at fulfilling them, the less likely you are to fantasize about someone who would.<P>Good luck to you, WorthIt. You are worth it, and you can get through this. <P>All the best. --HBC

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 20, 2001).]

Are you in counseling? If not, go. And stay here at MB. This is a powerful place for reinforcement and support. <P>The fact that you don't want to do this and can see where you are headed is a strong sign that you can stop this. <P>I was tempted to betray. I already knew my H betrayed me and our relationship wasn't the fantasy I originally had dreamed. Maybe that made it easier to entertain the thought. The man in question was someone I knew from college and had had relations with prior to being married, so I also knew what a hot [censored] he was! woo woo! The conditions were ideal. I didn't want a relationship and he was only in town for a short period of time. It would be clean and I wouldn't get caught. <P>Both of us were wildly attracted to each other and had great chemistry, but he couldn't do it because he loved someone else. You know what? So did I. So, we talked about it, teased, and did nothing. That was that. I walked away feeling much better about myself (and him!) and asking myself what in the hell was wrong me with me and our relationship? <P>Unfortunately, I didn't look long or hard enough for the answer. My H was already involved with affairs unbeknownst to me, so there were definitely problems. Neither of us trusted the other enough to find out what they were. Neither was courageous enough to open that subject, and then things exploded.<P>If you truly want to preserve your marriage, use this experience as a wake up call to fix whatever is wrong before it becomes something bigger than it is right now. Maybe you just need some assurance? Easy enough to provide now, but if an affair is between you, that simple thing takes a back seat to the gigantic mess you created. It's easier to get the little things met when there isn't a 500 pound gorilla in the way. Don't let that happen. It doesn't need to happen if you are alert, and it sounds like you are.<P>If I had it to do all over again knowing what I do now, i would have swallowed my fear and confronted the issues rather than have to live through the pain of the last year.

Worth It,<BR>An affair will not balance out the pain you feel. It is a quick fix, like a bandaid over your hemorraging heart. And, if the guy is decent at all, you'd suffer more pain from dragging him into a mess. Your H will hurt, the OM will hurt, you will hurt, the OM's wife & family will hurt. Your reconciliation efforts with your marriage are dumped back to D Day...you husband will have all the same betrayed issues you have.<P>Been there, done that. Huge mistake, even though I thought the marriage was OVER and had served D papers. It still was not the right thing to do. And it has made our reconciliation so much more difficult, and I very nearly did not give my H another chance and certainly part of that was because of the OM.<P>As for a fantasy being nothing...there's a Bible verse "As a man thinks, so is he." God doesn't agree that our thoughts are harmless, otherwise being pure...Christlike...in thought, word & deed wouldn't be the Christian goal.<P>Put your fantasy thoughts toward your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).<p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited October 11, 2000).]

WorthIt: DISTANCE, DISTANCE, DISTANCE.<P>Especially because you know better.<P>I've been there too, kiddo. A co-worker, just like my H's, well, whatever it was he had. Scared me to death.<P>I got another job.<P>It's not worth it.