Well, so far I have survived the anniversary of the worse week of my life.<P><BR>Last Year:<P>October 6th- Carson's 2nd B-day...<BR>Arik locks himself in the bedroom, is on the computer for hours, completely uninvolved with anything going on. Hasn't said "I love you" for days...<P>October 7th- Brennden's 4th b-day...<BR>Arik picks apart everything I do, I say "You just don't love me anymore" He dosen't respond. My family comes over to celebrate the b-day, Arik is uninvolved. After the family leaves he asks me if I want to talk...we do...he tells me he "has feelings" for somebody else...I feel empty, inadequate, lost, hurt...did I mention empty?<P>October 8th- I get home from bringing Rachel to school...Arik asks if I need for him to go away, I tell him no, he says that he needs to go and sort things out, he leaves to go to a friends house, OW meets him there (they meet for the first time - they live 1000 miles apart.)<P>October 9th- (early morning)- they are intimate for the first and only time, they spend the morning together.<P>October 11th- he comes home and we talk again, he tells me who OW is and that they met this last weekend...I ask "the question" he says "yes", I die inside.<P>October 12th- I tell him I want the marriage but only if he ends things with OW...he says he will but things don't end until March 2000.<P>This year:<P>October 6th- Carson's 3rd b-day. Arik is so involved, helps with the cake, makes her dinner, says "I love you" and hugs me lots...<P>October 7th- Brennden's 5th b-day. We take 10 kids bowling (now if you want a great laugh a bunch of 5 year olds bowling...it's classic!!!). He is loving and involved and a part of all family activities.<P>October 8th- HE IS HOME!!!!!!!!!<P>October 9th- HE IS HOME!!!!!!!!!<P>As for the rest I don't think they really matter, this year is sooo different from last year, the fears that I have had about dealing with this were only that , fears...he is here...he is where he wants to be...I am who he wants to be with...He loves our life and doesn't want to create a new life with anybody else...he wants to create a new life for us.<P>I can't say that I am completely happy and I know that I have a long way to go to be "recovered" but I can say that we are on our way and with the 2 of us working on it I know it can be done. We won't give up and we won't let a self defeitist attitude bring us down...<P>WE HAVE SURVIVED!!!!!! <P>It has been a year of shear hell at times but WE HAVE SURVIVED!!!!!!!! <P>It has looked hopeless at times but WE HAVE SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!<P><BR>...and we will recover, I know we will.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <P><p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited October 09, 2000).]

Patient Love:<P>Congrats!!!!!! <P>It is so great to read someone's surival. With so many new members each week to this forum, this can help and show that things can seem at their worst and with time how much things improved.<P>Thanks, and keep posting your updates.<P>Judy

PL:<P>I am so thrilled for your survival and that Arik's frame of mind has made such a drastic change for your marriage. What an awful time for you a year ago. What a wonderful way to get through the anniversary this year! <P>I am coming up on my two year anniversaries beginning October 24th that will continue through January 17th. I am handling it pretty well this year as I did last year. Last year I was like you, grateful and blissed that we had survived. This past year we are even better than last year at this time, however, we have 'special' fallout as an OC was the result of the fling two years ago, so my anniversay is particularly difficult to get over. But, I will. And this anniversary will be over soon, and we will continue to move forward. the anniversaries are tough but once over, you're renewed. <P>Blessings to you and Arik and your children,<P>Catnip =^^=

Hi Nicole,<P>It's great to hear how much things have improved for you and your family. I know there were times when it seemed like the pain would never end and the future seemed hopeless.<P>It is a difficult journey, but many make it through. I'm glad you're one of the successful ones!<P>Best wishes to you all,<P>Peppermint

So pleased for you. It is wonderful to read something happy and positive.<P>Tammy

B.H. Thanks for the support. I hope our story can help others...especially those who are married to "boneheads" like Arik was during his affair...Dylan had to pull out her 2x4 more than once I'm afraid. <P>catnip Yes his frame of mind has changed drastically in a year, his attitude about a lot of things has changed as well. <BR>Prayers to you in dealing with OC and all that that entails.<P>peppermint Thanks for your continued support through it all...our survival was due in a large part to Arik coming out of "the fog". Now that firestorm has come out of his (for real this time) I see good things for your future together too.<BR>God Bless<P>FHL right back at ya!!!!!<P>H.I.M. Glad to offer a bit of a sunshine report once in a while!! <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Patient Love,<P>Why do we keep up with the calendar thing?... I do it all the time. Oddly enough, for me Oct.10 is very significant. Three months after D day and struggling with the possibility that H would never come back, this is the day he, OW and I had a three way call going on and he told me he loved her and not me and would not be seeing me anymore. I said, that's fine , she can have you, I'm done. He called our daughter to come check on me. She called him back and told him, Mom is fine! Duh, he couldn't handle that one!!!<P>This Oct. is so much more relaxed and peaceful than this time last year. I thank the Lord everyday that we are no longer in that hellacious battle with one another. It's a Good Thing... Congrats to you all also! Can you believe where you've been and how far you've come?<P>Cathy

Thank you so much for going over those painful times one more time so you could share your success story with all of us here! I, for one, appreciate it! <P>Congratulations to you for being strong enough to survive everything you did-you truly deserve the happiness you have now!

Too bad you live so far away, our kids are the same age and we are almost on the same timeline.<P>Congratulations! I don't know if all WS come back to the marriage as reluctant as mine, but it is to OUR credit that they have changed so much. What do you think?

Thanks for your post, Patient Love. I'll carry it through the day.<P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************

ok.......this is the last time I try this...I have re-written this post 3 times....the computer keeps losing it when I hit submit...if this doesn't work, I'm getting on the phone!!!!!!<P>I had this great post...full of wonderful commpliments and thoughts...all gone now....dammit!!!!<P>and since it was all 'spur of the moment' writings, of course, I can't remember a thing I said....LOL<P>first of all:<P>((((((((((((((Nicole & Arik))))))))))))))<P><BR>you have indeed SURVIVED the worst year...and the worst october-part of it...I understand......imagine, Nicole, one day, for us, october will mean only thankgiving and halloween....I look forward to that...<P>now that year 2 has begun, it is time I believe, to start the work necessary to re-build and recover...<P>I am so proud of you...and of your patience...patience I know that I do not have within me...we have at times, joked that if Arik were married to me, he would be divorced by now...LOL...your patience is inspiring....as is your general attitude...<P>I thought for a while that you should change your name to 'Love made of Steel'...<P>and of course, Arik could change his to 'My wife loves me...and I'm still a bonehead'..lol<P>but progress has been made...and I am so proud of the strong woman I see now...the great human being, the wonderful mom, the caring and patient wife still learning how to be greater, the new student, the woman who has left the girl behind and stands before us bent but not broken, a testament to the endurance and indeed, the very patience of love...<P>I am so blessed to have been able to weave you into my life...in a sick and twisted way, almost glad...because without the affairs, my life would be poorer without you in it...you are a godsend...you have <B>no</B> idea how much I value you...how much I love you....I am so thankful for your 'being' there...you can never know how very much you have helped me..and kept me centered...I look forwarad to many years of friendship, recovery, and most importantly, healing....<P>it is an honour to know you, Nicole...and a pleasure to be called your friend...<P>I am so proud of everythhing you have done this year...and it was indeed the worst year....<P>happiness is not something our SO's will be able to hand to us...we have to be in control of our own happiness...we need to take control of our destiny and of our healing....they need to help us along the way...<P>I look forward to being happy...<P>nicole, you have grown so much..you stand before me a changed and different woman than the one I met last year...happy anniversary to us...a year of friendship is a much happier thing to celebrate this october...<P>Arik.....cherish her....there is no other like her in the world...remember that...DAILY...<P>and I really believe that to start to atone for some of the pain you caused, you should give nicole a gift...something small...like a trip east!!!?....(just thought I could sneak that in)...LOL...<P>the 2 x 4 is still within easy reach, my friend... <P>to be truthful, I am proud of the both of you...so many times it would hav been far easier to give up...but neither of you did...and I would still like to see Arik back here every so often....lurker-boy!!!<P>it's not perfect, it can't be..there is no such thing.... Nicole, but it IS so much better than this time last year....you are very right...<P>congrats on getting throught this and for setting such a good example of how to...<P>thank you, Nicole, for being here....<P>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

Catplay I really have no idea why we keep that "calendar thing" either. I looked to these days with a lot of fear over the past month or so...there really wasn't any reason...that was then and this is now...I come to realize that more and more each day.<P>W.O.C. Thanks for the support. <P>schizzo It would be really fantastic for some of us to get together. We could have a major victory celebration, because no matter how it turned out (saved marriages for some, not for others), we have survived and most are stronger, and wiser for it.<P>thronx I am glad my story could help you.<P>soulloss/Dylan/friend My dear, dear friend...your friendship (as I have said before) is one of the things I will treasure forever from this terrible situation. <BR>I think your opinion of me is a little clouded however, you don't have to live with me!!! <BR>I too am looking forward to healing, looking forward to a day when certain phrases won't tie a knot in my stomache, to a day when these days will be nothing more than kid's b-days, thanksgiving and halloween...<BR>I think that day will come, and it won't take anything from Arik to bring that too me. You are so right when you say that we can't look to or SO's to bring us happiness, we must find it within ourselves (as they must find happiness within themselves as well - I tried for so long to be the source of Arik's happiness, it just doesn't work that way).<P>BTW we will be heading east next summer, not as far as Quebec, but probably as far as Saskatchewan. Maybe we could meet half-way?<P>Thanks again to everyone who replied...God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited October 11, 2000).]