Terri, <BR>I have been looking for an update from you. I have been wondering how you are and how things are going? Let us hear from you. Are you ok?<P>Genie

{{{Terri}}},<P>Genie's right...<P>We miss you...<P>...we miss your venting posts...<BR>...we know how theraputic it is for you...<BR>......and us(me) in the long running Plan As.<P> <P>Jim

I'm here - and I'm ok. I've been keeping myself busy and my mind occupied - which means a little less visiting. I haven't posted any update because, for the moment there is nothing to update!<P>I gave him the "pre-B" letter on 9/24 and have not heard from him since. I am debating whether it is still appropriate to do a regular Plan B letter - as I am of the opinion his lawyer may have told him not to contact me...<P>What do you think? It can't be the same letter I had previously worked on, as he is not beating my door down to be friends at the moment, but I want to get the "control" back - I want to play with MY game board, I guess.<P>But I have been doing well. I have a new boss starting tomorrow (Tuesday) - again! They simply moved my position under the Computer Services department (which is where it always should have been anyway). The director of that department is someone I have worked with for a long time, and we have gone on several business trips together so I know we can get along well under many different circumstances. I feel very good about my job.<P>My marriage - that, of course, is another story. Realistically speaking, I expect that I will be served with divorce papers in the next week or two. Part of me is, of course, dreading it horribly, but part of me is waiting with detached curiosity to see exactly what "fault" I am to be accused of. And that same part of me is prepared to compartmentalize it as just the slimy divorce attorney's responsibility... Silly, but I am still not ANGRY with him (husband, that is). I think it is because of the way I have been able to look at the entire picture because of the things I have learned from this site and all the stuff I have read.<P>This weekend was a good one for me - I had stuff to do all three days! And I did some organizing, some baking, some cooking, some eating... spent time with my family, spent time with my friends. And now, I need to spend some time ASLEEP! <P>Thanks for thinking of me!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Just bringing this to the top and updating a bit. I really am looking for some advice about the Plan B letter issue mentioned in my previous post.<P>It has now been 2.5 weeks since I gave my husband the other letter I mentioned. In that time I think I have seen slug twice but have not heard from my husband at all. Naturally, it's killing me, and after all of the contact we had over the last few months in particular, I miss him terribly.<P>Today, I am tired. I am down in the dumps, and frustrated. I discovered that I have overdrawn my checking account and I don't think I have enough money in my savings to cover it. Let's face it, I don't really make enough money to support myself in much more than a "survival" lifestyle. My major expenditure for the month: A keyboard drawer for my desk so I can get some semblance of organization going ... if I ever have enough energy to actually clean and organize it.<P>Staying busy generally requires some extra money - even if it is simply for gas to go to a friends' or to see my family. I am finding I just ain't got it. <P>I'll feel better tomorrow after I've had a good night's sleep - but, since you invited me to vent, I thought I'd take you up on it.<P>I don't want a divorce - and I don't want to create hostility between me and my husband. But, one of the things he told me in the weeks before he moved out almost two years ago was never to let someone convince me I am wrong when I know I am right. This is something I believe I need to do: stand up for marriage in this little redneck town full of cheaters. No matter what happens as a result, I will always know I did the RIGHT thing. If he divorces me, he will always know that he did NOT. And someday it will hit him how foolish he was.<P>I got my hair cut on Tuesday night. The nail tech at my friend's salon is someone I've known for years, and she is familiar with what is going on. I felt very silly that night - and I asked her "Who do you think is prettier - slug or me?" She stopped what she was doing and stared at me a minute, then shook her head and said, "I can't believe you would even ask me such a STUPID question!!!"<P>I laughed and laughed. But you know, what it comes down to is that I am confused at how someone who is so ... vile and unattractive and vulgar and harsh and unintelligent and lazy as she is could get and keep a man I always thought of as intelligent and caring. Was I so wrong about him for the last 15 years? Did I blind myself to this selfishness that has consumed him - was it always there and I just ignored it? I wish I could just UNDERSTAND what it is that binds them together. I have trouble resting when something happens and I don't understand WHY.<P>Well, I'd better sign off for now. I really am fine - it is just that when I'm tired, I don't seem to be able to move my thoughts away from the "dark" and into a more productive mode... like I said above - after a good night's sleep (and taking all the money out of my savings account) I will feel 100% stronger and better.<P>Once again, thanks for "listening" ... and for caring enough to read.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hello Terri, <P>I don't believe I have posted to you, although I have read most of your latest posts. I am pulling for you and very sad at the latest developments. <P>As for your question as to what binds them, well....I think it is ego/pride, a "new" relationship (even though it has been going on for some time) and the fog. I don't feel your husband wants to be wrong or face that he made a costly wrong choice, not to mention to face his guilt of it all. As a betrayer, myself, the guilt can be pretty daunting and is easier to avoid than face it and yourself. I think the newness of the relationship is fading, finally, but for some reason he is going forward, in some manner for a divorce. The fog is still there, most likely and not able to see what he could have and have had with you. <P>I hope this has made some sense. I hope you are able to finalize your plan B letter and give it to him soon, to protect what you have left for him and hopefully let him know what life is like without you in the picture.<P>I hope things smooth out for you, soon!

Terri,<BR>I have been trying to remember exactly what the Pre-PlanB letter said, and I am sorry to say that I really can't remember the particulars much at all.<P>But I am kinda thinking that the Pre-planB letter was good enough. I would fear that if you make any attempts to make contact again that it would kinda of break the whole idea.<P>Then again, it could open a door for him to perhaps make some contact that perhaps he is afraid to make. It is really hard to tell but I can tell you one thing for sure. You can and most likely will drive yourself crazy trying to figure things out and second guess yourself. So, I would try not to do it.<P>As far as the bind, who knows. I remember having the same questions and lack of understanding as you do. The questions will drive you nuts!!! All I can say is that when it came to my H, he felt much the same way as Raskal stated he did. Guilt!!! And lots of it!! My H didn't feel as if he deserved me anymore and no matter how OW treated him, I guess he sorta figured that he deserved it after what he had done to me and the kids.<P>He actually put up with alot out of her, a whole lot. But it is truly an addiction. She had to help push him over the edge and damn near destroyed him before he came to his senses. <P>There were suspicions that she was cheating on him but he ignored that. Until, he saw it for his own eyes and then he truly felt what I had been feeling all along. It nearly killed him. He was truly torn until that point.<P>No one can really tell you what to do Terri. But I will tell you one other thing. I also entertained the possibility that he had fooled me about who he was for 12 yrs. and that I never really knew who he was. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. I remember thinking how could I have been so stupid!!! Once he said to me, "You know me, you have known me for 12 yrs., you know who I am and how I feel about things." I remember thinking to myself, I thought I did but now I don't have any idea.<P>The fact is that even though during the affair he was not the man I had thought I knew, that man was still deep inside him and he was still the man that I knew and loved, that part of him was just buried. But I wasn't a fool, I wasn't stupid and I did know the "REAL" person that he was.<P>I am hoping that one day you will be able to say the same in you case. As far as advice, I can't realy give you any. This one has to be your call.<P>I hope that you will find the peace that you are seeking.<P>Love Genie