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I wrote this twice only to have it deleted because of password problems. My wife and I have had severe problems the last few years since the twins were born. She has no sexual interest in me, has severe depression, and is taking lots of medication. We have been through joint counseling and she individual as well. 3 weeks ago I learned she was having an affair with a 53 year old man for a year, she is 34. She said she is not in love with me and has no attraction for me, did not show remorse. I asked her to complete "love busters" and she listed as number 1 "lectures, ridicules, thinks his way is the way, interrupts, doesn't care to listen." I began individual counseling and we joint counseling and I am working on these areas. On Friday I confronted my wife and told her she was not trying at all. I said one of my books said this could be due to remorse over ending the affair or that the affair was ongoing. She disclosed that 1 month ago she started a new affair with a 51 year old man. I told her I wanted a divorce and we spent all weekend on the property settlement. I had Realtor scheduled for 9am this morning and told her to take the day off work today to meet with an attorney or I'd file and have her served at work. This morning after the Realtor left she asked me if I'd give her a chance if she asked. Ultimately, I agreed under the following conditions: She is to completely terminate all contact with affair, she is to work as hard as she can on our relationship until Jan 1, she can't think of this as I'll go back to guy after Jan 1 if this doesn't work, she has to let me know where she is at all times to alleviate my fears. She agreed. I could use some advice or comments.

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. I would just suggest professional help, either from Harleys and/or in person, and read books like those found on MB, work hard. Best of luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by father_of_twins:<BR><B>Ultimately, I agreed under the following conditions: </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, a lot happened with you since I heard from you last!<P>Your terms were pretty good, especially the no contact.<P>I wouldn't have put a time limit on it.<P>Also, stay in counseling or expand it or something. You will need a lot of help.<P>Remember, you have to work on lovebusters and meeting her needs. This isn't a period of punishment for her, you have to get back on track as a husband.<P>It sounds like you weathered the storm, but there still is work to be done!<P>Good luck!<P>Mike <P>

My advice would be to get some counseling if you can. If not, try reading some of the books on this site - His Needs, Her Needs by Harley has been particularly helpful to my H and I.<P>I am a WS, so I kind of know what your wife may be going through. The toughest part for me was telling my H about the affair (I could not take the lying and the cheating and I really didn't know why I had the affair, I just knew it was wrong). Having said that, some of the books on this site really helped me to understand why I was so vulnerable to having an affair. Another book that helped me - before I found this site - was "Infidelity: Your Complete Survivor's Guide" by E. Gough.<P>After I confided in my H about the affair, the next step - another tough one - was no contact with the OM. I have gone three months without any cotnact at all, and my perspective is completely different now. I am finally out of the fog. A lot of people say don't put time limits on things. I tend to agree with that, unless your wife is having a hard time agreeing to work on the marriage. For me, I kind of had to say in my mind that I would give it a year, and if things didn't get any better, then I would reevaluate my decision to stay.<P>As a WS, you kind of expect things to change overnight, and that is just unrealistic. So, ask your wife or decide with your wife to give it a year to see if things get better. It usually does get better (not perfect, but better) after no contact and when you really begin working on your marriage. I guess I have just seen a lot of WSs give up because things are not perfect - well, they never will be. . .We're all a work in progress, so you have to take baby steps. Try not to expect too much at first, and you will not be disappointed.<P>Your wife, like me, may have some setbacks, but the best thing that has helped me to get back on track was the love, support, patience and understanding my H showed me and continues to show me. Another important part is maintaining honesty. . .You need to let your wife know that she needs to be honest with you - no matter how much she thinks it will hurt you, she needs to be honest. For me, my H has been my best friend, and I talk to him as I would talk to my best friend - openly and honestly - no holds barred. But you kind of have the burden of creating an environment where she is willing to be honest with you. . .<P>For me, the coolest thing was that whenever I needed to talk, my H would listen - he wouldn't judge me, he wouldn't make fun of me, he wouldn't get mad at me, he would just listen and offer an opinion if I needed one. He never once told me what to do, but somehow I made all of the right decisions - the decisions to maintain no contact, the decision to be honest with him. . .<P>Withdrawl, for me, was hard for a couple of months, but really, it does get better. We have been in recovery for about six months and I have seen dramatic improvements. Some of the same old stuff that was around prior to the affair is still there, but now, I have no urge to contact the OM, and I definitely cannot even imagine separating from my H - so there have been improvements in less than a year.<P>My advice, I guess, is for you and your wife to learn more about each other, about infidelity, and to be honest and open with each other. Don't expect too much, too soon, because you're never really "finished." A marriage, a lasting, loving relationship takes time and care. You never stop growing as a couple - so use this horrible experience to make your marriage stronger - it really can happen.