I have also posted this under divorce/divorcing. Reason is 3 days ago my H said he wanted a divorce, but can't say why. Only could say he cannot figure how to get back to the way we were before dating (we were so close, nothing I did bothered him). I told him that it is always that way at first, to keep it you must work on it, and it will always be changing. He doesn't want to work on it. Only wants to end it and go on with his life. H said didn't know if this would solve his problem. Then why?<P>I said I would agree to nothing without counseling. I am waiting for him to contact counseling--closed yesterday. But it is getting worse. He's been sleeping on the couch (watching TV all night). I feel now that he is deliberately withholding affections. Cannot even kiss me goodbye in the morning before work.<P>Someone suggested depression. H is in the military, and refuses medication. Would have to undergo psych eval which goes in the record. Cannot go outside the military, would be chance of random drug test.<P>How is the best way for me to continue living in this unbearable situation? I'm the only one committed. How can he say he still loves me and hurt me this way?

Welcome Louisa:<P>I read over your posts several times and failed to reply because I really don't have enough information to give any meaningful advise.<P>But here goes for what its worth. First of all give us some more information.<P>How long has this emotional distancing been going on? Have you been having difficulties? What has he said in the past about why he is not happy?<P>Being in the military, there's always the drinking problem (I know, my brother was long-time navy). Is this a problem? Could explain the depression.<P>Thinking back, can you think of any reason for your H to suddenly just stop loving you?<BR>How long have you been married? <P>Now, of course, you are on the infidelity board. And wife's usually know even if they don't want to admit it. The suddenness of this wanting to separate is very characteristic of a man having an affair and trying to find a way to justify it to himself. Is there any possibility that this is the case?<P>We need to narrow the possibilities a little and if we had more information that might be a little easier.<P>Aside from that, giving the situation the more innocent interpretation we can, we can assume that your H has emotional needs that aren't being met in your marriage. If you have been on this board long you probably have read over the general principles.<P>These techniques do work and if you're lucky and you don't have a WS but just an unhappy one, then you should be able to apply the principles and see some improvement in your marriage. But in the present state you need to get busy and start implimenting them now before the situation gets any worse.<P>Stick around awhile, read the material and books recommended, post your questions, consider the replies carefully, and take the advise seriously because it's coming from individuals who have been in your situation and know from what they speak. <P>Others will be here to help you and until then please get back to us with more specifics.<P>Faye<P> <P>

I had posted lots of details back in Aug under emotional needs. I'll try to answer your questions here, though.<P>How long emotional distance? I guess for a while, a couple of years, I've seen a decline in affection. Sex life was still good until past week, so no complaint there; just would have liked more playfullness, kissing in public, cuddling OUT of bed, that kind of thing. Since Sat. has the real chill set in. Other than a couple of hugs, nothing. <P>Difficulties? We are experiencing financial difficulties, and are trying to get a handle on that. Other issues include: when we are back in the states, it is all about my family and never about his; brought up old issue of how badly I treated his mother when she last visited (2 1/2 yrs ago)--I have since apologized and she has accepted; H knows this. He said he feels we have drifted apart and have nothing in common. When pressed for details, he can give none. A couple of my issues were his emailing, having lunch with ex-girlfried without telling me last Xmas when we were home (I didn't object to him doing this, just HOW he did it--covertly). Also issue with him conducting internet relationship with another woman (lied to her about us, said we were divorcing, this was before he confronted me with unhappiness). I found out in Aug. and he said he stopped, it was just a game. Sat. he said was not still doing this.<P>Drinking? No. We drink at times at home, also when out, not excessive at all.<P>I cannot think of any one reason for him to stop loving me. I feel that there has never been any real communication, in that he has admitted his reluctance to tell me things (re: money, for instance), or not being able to tell me "no", kind of a protection thing, I think. I have always tried to be accommodating. I pretty much gave up my life to come overseas with him (family, friends, job)--BUT I never regretted this. I want to support him. <P>We have known each other since 1987, married in 1997 (will be 4 yrs in Feb.).<P>The affair has been suggested elsewhere, but I think it's hard to execute here. Other than work, we are together almost always at home or out. He does deploy for a couple of weeks at a time here and there, but is pretty much in touch, and I think it would be hard to conduct an affair at remote locations (but, I admit, not impossible). There are no other clues, like strange phone calls, bills, etc.<P>I've tried to ID emotional needs, but he told me Sat. that I'm not NOT meeting any of his needs. I'm not sure he's being honest, though, with himself either as far as the needs go. We did the survey out loud and his results made him out to be kind of inert with the needs.<P>He did not call to schedule counseling today, said he would tomorrow.<P>Thanks for the help and advice. I have a real need now not to feel alone.

Hi Louisa,<P>How old is your husband? If middle aged, he may be going through a mid-life crisis. Needs change as we get older and maybe his needs are changing. Or, he may be experiencing a growth change that he doesn't understand. He maybe unhappy with certain aspects of his life and searching for answers. Look these up and see if this applies to you.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com/html/questions_and_answers/qotd.cgi" TARGET=_blank>http://www.midlife.com/html/questions_and_answers/qotd.cgi</A> <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com/html/resources/articles/ra17_men.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.midlife.com/html/resources/articles/ra17_men.htm</A> <A HREF="http://bestyears.com/crisis.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://bestyears.com/crisis.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com/html/resources/articles/RA03-Depression.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.midlife.com/html/resources/articles/RA03-Depression.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com/html/resources/books/RB03_Your.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.midlife.com/html/resources/books/RB03_Your.htm</A> <P>You're not alone! Blessings and prayers, Many Tears

Hi Again, Louisa:<P>Well, I went back and read your thread on the EN board and it does make things a little clearer along with your additional post here.<P>Yes, I would say that you and your husband have been going through an emotional divorce since some time last year. Your H has been steadly distancing himself from you and the marriage, and it has at last culminated in his wanting the actual physical separation and divorce. Why? I don't know...and I really don't think he does either...he just knows he's unhappy and he wants out.<P>This could be MLC as Many Tears suggested, but I don't think so...but the distinction between wanting out of a bad marriage (that of course is his term) and wanting out of a bad life are very similar in that they can begin at the same place...his partner. <P>No, the evidence seems to point toward a change in the marriage relationship which has resulted in his turning his attention toward possibilities outside of it....i.e. the old girl-friend, the internet chats. And once this begins, it feeds upon itself, magnifying all the less then adequate areas of your relationship and of you to the point that he loses all perspective as to the value of your marriage and quits trying to to make any efforts to save it. With this attitude, of course, it is bound to fail.<BR> <BR>At this point, I think your words and discussions are futile...you need professional help. Without being able to hear both sides of what is going on...we're really just guessing here...that's why you need a third party who can talk face to face with each of you and try to discover what is wrong. <P>Just like you, in this situation I would be puzzled too...there is just not a clear enough rationale behind your H's actions to indict the root of his problem.<P>Just remember...secrets are like mushroom...they grow best in the dark. It's time to let a little light in on this matter and see what develops.<P>I personally think you have done a good job of handling this so far....it just needs someone more experienced at dealing with this kind of thing now. After you get a little better idea of what maay be causing the trouble then you can more easily apply the appropriate solution.<P>Remember you are not alone...we're here...whenever you need us...just wish we could give you the answer you need so badly.<P>Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 10, 2000).]

MT, he is only 30, but maybe he's starting early. He is unhappy with other aspects of his life: job, health, finances, education. I'm not living the dream life, either, but I try to be happy with what I have. He made some personal goals in Aug., and is working on some of them already. Problem is, he's not sure where I fit in (can't see me in his future).<P>Yes, I know we need help. He is supposed to call for counseling today (he is military, and we are overseas, but we have resources in our area--but he is the mil. member and has to set it up). I've tried for about 10 mos. to help him myself, he just won't talk to me. I am 100% in favor of counseling, he needs to be talking to someone. He said he would contribute, not just sit there saying "I don't know" like he does with me.<P>I appreciate your wanting to give me answers. But what I really need is to hear his answers. Hopefully soon.