Hi ALL!<P>I read that if someone had sex with a male or female when he/she is underage, drunk or high it is termed as sexual assault or rape, even if it is consenting.<P>My WS was pissed DRUNK when his staff came to his room and set herself upon him. Chinless Banshee most probably had the key as WS was helped up his room by several people. WS said that all his defences were down and he couldn't think properly although he knew who the person was. His head was heavy as a stone and he had problems thinking clearly. WS also said that he was forced to have sex subsequently for 2 more years or she will report the case to wife and company. She made a lot of phantom calls to our home and lurked at our gates and gave him hell in the office and weakly attempted suicides. Finally, she knived him in public when he rejected to go on a vacation with her. Chinless banshee landed in jail.<P>I am very serious about this because I am thinking of getting help for WS because his mental and physical and emotional health are really deteriorating. He was once one of the nation's brightest achievers but now he can't complete five sentences without going off on a tangent.<P>Was that sexual assault? What sort of help should he get?

weep, if you're asking about getting help, does it really matter whether it would legally be termed assault?<P>If he was blackmailed with the information during that time and not a willing partner (as mine was), it is a very real blow to his self esteem and general trust in people. And GUILT.<P>My h and I have both started counselling with a Christian Dr. of mental health. I searched online looking for info and came up with this. They gave me a referral in my area and I am so happy with him!<P>Minirth-Meier Clinic (1-800-545-1819): (I think it is now New Life.<P>I also found a great site with great articles on various topics, here's the link:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb971/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb971/</A> <P>

weep:<P>What an awful ordeal for both of you -- my heart goes out to both of you, and I hope that your H gets the help he needs to get himself back on track. I tend to agree with schizzo that it may not matter all that much whether what happened between your WS and the CB could be termed a sexual assault under the criminal law. <P>To provide some insight, though, my understanding is that sex by an adult with anyone under the legal age of consent is rape, and that sex with someone who is too drunk to give valid consent might be rape in certain circumstances -- particularly, if the perpetrator knew that the other person was too drunk to give valid consent, wouldn't consent if they weren't drunk, and intended to take advantage. However, that's pretty tough to prove when it's a woman who's been taken advantage of. I have to think that it would be close to impossible to prove when the person claiming assault is a man. Assuming that your H is telling the truth about it, what happened over the next two years might have been blackmail or extortion, but it doesn't sound to me like sexual assault. <P>Regardless, it sounds as though the legal classification of what happened is irrelevant. If your H is having mental/emotional troubles, he needs help, regardless of the kind of trouble the OW could get in for what SHE did. You and your H will be in my thoughts.

Okay, y'all, don't call me CB anymore - I just realized that could stand for Carolina Belle OR Chinless Banshee Let's not go there!<P>Weep, hon, I really hope that you are emotionally ready soon to be there for your H. What he did was wrong, but it does sound like he was taken advantage of IN THE BEGINNING. I don't think that you have to worry about an encore of those hellacious two years, but your H needs to work on his self-esteem. It's not where it should be if he was able to be manipulated for so long, and it's worse as a result of that manipulation. I think that both of you should seek individual counseling, as well as couples counseling to help out. Good luck!

okay..weep..if this girl worked for him..or with him it could be construd as sexual harrassment..he might have a case if any of the threats have been e-mail or written..harder to prove if they were verbal and nobody else heard them..if there were witnesses then they could be called in to testify or at least write a deposition on H's behalf..

weep,<P>I read a lot of your posts but haven't posted many times because I didn't really feel qualified. But - You are living outside of the United States, correct? What are the laws in your country regarding sexual harrassment/assault and blackmail? Do you have the physical evidence to back it up? Also, would a public solution to this be too much emotionally for your H or yourself? Would intense therapy better serve your H's emotional needs at this point in his life?<BR>just points to ponder.<BR>I'll be praying for you.<P>cleo

schizzo,<P>Thanks for the wonderful link and I have read almost all of it and I think that applies greatly to my WS state of being during the time the A was going on. He had to please the CBanshee and that gave her more and more power to control the situation. In the beginning, I refused to understand or cannot understand his story because it is difficult to believe how he can be so 'humiliated' by the A. <P>The reason that triggered this thread is that I thought I saw the CBanshee at a crowded mall that day and it was staring at my WS but the crowds soon took over and I lost sight of it. When I related that to WS, he was depressed and wanted to move (hometown) because he believed that Chinless would always be lurking around us and would soon be contacting him again - the last time was two months ago. Ws felt that he will never be left alone and he became depressed.<P>A few days ago, he also wrote me a long letter as to whether he can live for a few more years because he knows that in many ways, he has deteriorated. I know he is only a shadow of his former self. Now he is getting more spiritual food and the church is very supportive. However, the A still haunts us. I just told him that he would really need intense therapy to get what he had suppressed out in the open so that it can be dealt with. One of the reasons I wanted to know whether that was assault would be to identify whether he really needs therapy or if it is all a huge excuse to persuade me. The other will be explained later in my reply to Taxman.<P>Thank you for your very prompt help.<BR>God Bless You<BR>weep

Taxman,<P>It means a lot to hear another person's view on my situation because I am too close to the problem. Thank you for your time.<P>I was trying to classify the sexual acts in relation to both therapy and legal needs.<P>My primary need to know whether what happened was assault is because WS and I go around in circles and it was very difficult to really fully understand what his trauma was. He termed it a nightmarish trauma. Even his trained church counsellors felt that they are dealing with a situation that happens more with women than with a man - that of humiliation and being used and manipulated. Most men would have felt guilty about an A, but would not cook up such an embarrassing story that degrades their ego. If it is classified as sexual assault, then I will look for a sex therapist, instead of the general marital therapist. That would focus the problems and help WS and I to resolve the confusing dynamics of this sickening power play that has left WS feeling so used and humiliated, and I so dazed.<P>In the beginning, WS said that if there was a phenomenon such as male rape, then it would be one. He likened it to a 'prisoner of war' situation where he was held hostage by the evil banshee and had to appease until he couldn't manage her threats anymore, and finally refused to play along. So you are right that assuming what he said is true, that it was blackmail and extortion. <P>He also said that if he ever saw the CBanshee, he would want to punch her in the face for the evil she did to our family (including my father's untimely death). So I was also thinking that if that happens and WS is caught by the police, we may have to defend his case. We have some letters that she wrote WS and our family members about how she was the one who started the whole A and how she hoped he would recover from the whole trauma. CBanshee wrote that in the hope that she is viewed as a honest and reformed person and that she would still have a chance at becoming married to him. She also wrote admiringly of WS.<P>I know it is near impossible to prove that a man can be trapped to provide sex because in the natural order of things, most men would be happy to be offered sex for free. This train of thought is also my nemesis, and I would soon be going for counselling to deal with these feelings and thoughts.<P>I just keep praying for a breakthrough on all sides, mabe I should be including in my prayers for the CBanshee to give a full confession soon.<P>May God shine upon your life<BR>weep

Mon Belle,<P>MB , thanks for caring and your support. <BR>You hit the nail on the head when you asked if I am emotionally strong enough to help my WS. I actually wasn't until the long letter he wrote me a few days ago. It was rather scary because he said he was clear that he wanted to bring up baby for as long as he can but was having serious doubts as to how long he will be able to survive. He acknowledged that he did not do the right thing when he thought he could manage the banshee, and persuade it to let him go. <P>He is against counselling on his emotions because he wanted to numb them and forget them - in my language, sweeping it all under the carpet. But recent events have made him see the damage done to not only the marriage and I, but also to him. I will be insisting that he sees a therapist. I will be going to therapy again soon.<P>I pray everything is better for you.<BR>God Bless YOU, MB<BR>weep<BR>

T. Rose,<P>Thanks for your support and reply, it makes my day that others care even as they hurt in their own lives. <P>In fact, it was the other way round - CBanshee blackmailed that if he rejected her sexual advances and refused to be there for it, WS would be reported for sexual harrassment and the wife would be told. CBanshee was his staff, and he was afraid that he would be shamed and lose his job and wife all at the same time. Are there really such desperate pyschos out there? WS was very afraid of her. She seemed to have a hold over him - that was what he said.<P>We do have some letters that CBanshee wrote WS and our family members that asked for forgiveness of the trauma WS had. It was rather halfhearted and more to try to get WS to think she is pining for him, and that she is now reformed. But nonetheless would be useful in case something happens.<P>God Bless YOu<BR>weep

Cleopatra,<P>Of course your care and support are more than qualified to soothe the pain. Thank you for your prayers.<P>You are very wise about the actual benefit of public redress. CBanshee was already incarcerated and now released. We could prosecute but it would be quite difficult to prove as Taxman pointed out. My police friend who is in charge of the officer handling the case asked us to be mindful of strangers approaching our school-going children. But since we didn't have any at that age, he nonetheless put our case in the 'urgent' list so that our phone calls will be attended to promptly. <P>Apart from the sexual mess, CBanshee also extorted money and we have proof of the exchange. But you are right, I now believe the focus should shift to our marriage and damaged selves. I have insisted on counselling and I think healing would be far more urgent than seeking compensation and justice. I will pray for divine justice instead.<P>May God Shine Upon Your Life<BR>weep

weep,<P>Not sure about a sex therapist. My understanding is that they would be good specifically to help with any sexual dysfunction.<P>But treatment for any kind of trauma could be handled by a good mental health counsellor. I'm still waiting for my first appt. alone (h crashed the first one), but we will be working on the trauma of the betrayal as well as the abuse I suffered as a child.<P>PS - I found the booklets on that site to be wonderful. They also have one on infidelity, child abuse...<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited October 12, 2000).]

Weep,<P>He also needs to know your forgive him for the Affair, and he needs to forgive himself..Self-Condemnation can be worse on the self-esteem..<P>a scripture verse that comes to mind is<P>"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"<BR> <BR> Which means..He paid the price on the cross<BR>and if we confess and repent..He's already paid the price, and we no longer need to beat ourselves up with it..He forgives us..and we are free from that guilt and self-condemnation..if we continue to beat ourselves up and condemn ourselves..the death and resurection meant nothing..

Schizzo,<P>I am sorry to learn that you were CA when young. I will pray that Jesus make you whole again. You have been through so much and I really hope you find the breakthrough soon. Among other emotional traumas, I am afraid that my WS is facing occasional sexual problems. I think for the duration of the A, he did sex only after much fighting and screaming and he said he basically prostituted himself to save me from the hurt the knowledge of his having sex with someone else would bring. He rather die than have me know. He rather die killing CBanshee than have me know. So, he suddenly have problems that he never had before and he is further depressed by that. But I think since it is physiological, the mental health psychologists can help him deal with the trauma - which is really the root of the problem. I really pray he will go see one.<P>Hope you have a better day today.<BR>Take Care<BR>weep

T.Rose,<P>You are right about the forgiving and self condemnation parts. I told him I have made a choice to forgive him but that I have not completely forgiven him yet. I need help to reach that stage and will be set free only by his total truth.<P>He kept saying that he is very depressed and broken inside, and that he is full of self-hatred. He revealed that he has difficulty forgiving the 'evil woman' who trapped him. I told him that let God deal with her - she must have spirits of lust and other demons in her. Does he then have to forgive evil spirits and demons? WS thinks that he needs to forgive the person whatever demons possess her thoughts and inhabit her. I don't think so. I will ask my pastors.<P>May this day be blessed for you<BR>weep