I've just heard some really depressing statistics about infidelity:<P>"83% of couples who reconcile after an episode of cheating, will divorce within the following 3 years"<P>Please tell me there is no truth in this - otherwise most of us are simply wasting our time!!!<P>Thanks<BR>Trisha<BR>

I haven't seen that one.<P>But what does it mean, anyway? 50+% of marriages in general, you know the stars in the eyes stuff, end in divorce.<P>They say it takes about two years to heal or "recover". As I said I haven't seen that stat, but I would have to know how it is being measured. I would think it includes couples like us who decided to give it a try, but are approaching the one year mark with a lot of healing still to go.<P>I don't consider us "recovered" yet, but if we do and we will, there will be nothing that can come between us again. We will be STRONGER not weaker as a result of all we have been through.<P>Maybe it should read 83% of couples who think about staying together. Then I would agree. It is during the two years of healing that we realize FOR OURSELVES that we can do this or not.<P>And we are not wasting our time. I think all the regulars at MB would agree that we are LEARNING and GROWING. I know I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Whether I stay married to this man or not, it has not been a waste of time!!!

I was devastated by my H's first EA and moved out. We reconciled. <P>I was devastated when the H stayed out all night (he said he was drunk at a party. I say he was with a woman). I moved out, we reconciled.<P>I discovered that he's had a string of affairs. He moved out and wanted to come back home. I refused because it was a repeat of the same pattern. There was no conflict resolution. No change in the behaviour or the coping skills.<P>Do I think these statistics are true? Yes. Look at the pattern in my life. <P>However, I think simply because we are here at MB, that puts us all in the high probability for being in the 17%. Why? Because if you are here, you are interested in doing things differently and interested in committing to being together. <P>And besides, if someone said you to, "You have a 17% chance of making your marriage work", would you stop trying or go for it?

Trisha,<BR>Most statistics are skewed--it is difficult to determine if they measure what the statistic says it is measuring.<P>For instance, in this case, the couples are back together after infidelity...is it the infidelity that causes the divorce or the underlying marital problems/unmet needs that in some cases caused the infidelity and still are not resolved?<P>We often see the infidelity as the problem, and if the WS would just stop seeing the OP everything would be great...well it helps , but there are still the issues that led one partner to believe his/her life could be better without the spouse.<P>At some point in reconciliation, both partners have to have changed, if that does not happen, and they don't follow the 4 rules of successful marriage with POJA, indeed, chances are not the best. We see that carried out here on the boards as well...the BS finally giving up and filing.<P>I believe MB Plan A & B followed by 4 rules & POJA offers great hope to healing marriages.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Don't know if it is true or not...I have read that if the couple reconciles <B>without addressing the underlying problems in the marriage</B> the marriage is not likely to end up surviving.<P>So, the key is to be sure you not only get back together, but address the underlying problems...something many couples fail to do, bcs it takes guts to look at yourself and your partner and make changes.<P>Kathi<p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited October 11, 2000).]