I have read threads on this post and in GQ about dating the WS. After a month and a half of not hearing from my man, he called to ask if I wanted to see him. He said he wasn't in love with the OW, and couldn't understand why. So, he then asked if I would want to date him. Being in the vulnerable state I was in and wanting to be with him I jumped at the chance. I knew that he was still dating OW.<P>Things were going well with us, he even decided to join me in counseling. The counseling made him angry, and the dating seems to be coming to a dead stop. <P>I know I should be my happy self when we go out together, but it is so difficult to not show the pain. It would be different if he wasn't dating the OW, but what do I do to make myself someone fun to be around. I am so subdued, I used to be a crack up. For now, the spirits gone out of me. Tell me what to focus on so I don't blow this!! <P>Many Tears<P>------------------<BR>True love cannot be found where it doesn't truly exist, <BR>nor can it be hidden where it truly is.

I have six words for you, MT - Fake It 'Til You Make It. That is something that you learn in motivational classes. If you tell yourself something enough times, you start to believe it. It sounds corny, but it works. Say "I am a fun person to be around. I have a great self-esteem. Everyone enjoys my company!" Write it down somewhere where you will see it often. Trust me, it really does work, but it will take time and consistency.<P>But hon, if he's still seeing the OW, only "date" him for a short while. He obviously misses you, but right now he is getting the best of both worlds. See him, try to have fun with him, but if in a few months he still can't end things with the OW, then frankly, let him try to have fun with her on a full-time basis! It's his loss, and maybe it will wake him up. Good Luck!

Hi Many Tears:<P>Boy, do I understand where you're coming from. I have lunch with my WS every day and then spend the rest of the afternoon working with him in our business. Occasionally we also do other things together. <P>I find it hard however to control my anger and resentment when I'm around him and sooner or later something will come up revolving around OW to tick me off. I can usually control it somewhat but not well enough to make myself appear as the happy person I am around other people. Don't want to drive him to OW but don't want to be all over him either.<P>Faking it...huh...don't know if its possible for the length of time we're together. I feel bad because I feel like under Plan A I should be responding more but can't. His EN is mostly physical stuff and that's hard.<P>I agree with CB that this should not go on too long, since it is "having his cake and eating it too" but I do want to make the most of it while I can...just can't force myself to do so.<P>Faye<BR>

For the 2 years we were in turmoil...there were only a couple periods measured in weeks when we did not date. This was through 7 separations that all together lasted about 14 months. The week after the last time he left, he asked me to go away for the weekend. I didn't go. But I would meet him for a meal, a drink, a movie, we went skiing & camping with the kids.<P>I used the mindset that these were things I wanted to do, he was the one I love and who I wanted to do them with...why wouldn't I enjoy myself? I didn't manage to be non-confrontational all the time, but I did get pretty good at "light" times.<P>Part of Plan A, especially if you are separated and do get to spend time with your spouse is make that time enjoyable. No you don't have to put on a show, but be yourself, be the person that does/did attract them. Have outside activities you can talk about. I used to "save up" stories for when we were alone so we'd have things to talk about other than "trouble".<P>And quite honestly, I found Plan A to be much harder during the times we were back together, until this time, when he really wants to make the marriage work as much or more than I do.<P>Maybe I kept Plan A up too long (18+ months), but then for the next few months, I did set firmer boundaries and treated him as if we were divorced, and I served the D papers. He in turn discovered that I was who he wanted to be with. That was in Feb., we moved back together in May. His PA had started in 4/98.<P>There were times I felt he was having cake & eating it, but I truly enjoyed being with him, even with the pain. Even in his fog he says he knew I loved him, and when that love seemed to be going away, he chose me & wooed me & Plan A'ed me.<P>Keep your mind on your goal--that you want your marriage back together. And do not do the things (LBs, confrontations, crying jags--I'm a big cryer, so I wasn't able not to do that) that interfer with that goal.<P>Nobody says it's easy. You can't control your spouse, all you can do is set your own goals/desires/plans and control your own behavior.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).