Help. I am at a loss.<P>Almost 7 months since EA d-day. I have had almost 2 months of a pretty good Plan A. Things have been going well...not perfect, but well in spite of numerous backslides by W contacting OM.<P>Lately (the past 2 months) there is about a 2 week window before contact. I always discover it in spite of a "deal" to let me know when she desires contact. Of course when I discover, there is always a good reason for contact. "Ending it for good", "Just wanted to know why he confronted you", "Asked him not to park by our office." So it goes till my head spins.<P>Last weekend, we went to a wedding out of state. We both had such a good time, we didn't want it to end. When we came back, I was hit with the daily triggers and spent Monday and Tuesday down.<P>This morning, I watched more contact as the OM let my W into his "studio"! I drove away numb back to our office (W and I own a business). In less than half an hour, she was back. I asked her about the contact.<P>She told me that she was sad that I had changed moods so much when we returned home from our weekend trip, and that she wanted a "hit" from OM to feel better so she called him and met him.<P>She told me that when she saw him everything had changed. To her he didn't looked attractive anymore, she didn't get the "hit", and she just wanted to run away. She stayed a very short time...and literally ran back to her car.<P>I told her that she must leave our family (we have 3 children) until she decides what she wants to do. She does not want to. She says she loves me and wants our marriage to work and that seeing OM today confirms how wrong she is to continue A. I have discussed her leaving on 2 other occaisions...not the Plan B letter, just verbally. I don't know if I am being used.<P>We have decided not to act on anything for at least 48 hours. I am lost on this. I need help.<P>Is she on her way to healing? Am I a doormat? A fool? In denial that this can work? <P>I am so far down right now, that this doesn't even resemble hurt, but I can tell it is major injury. <P>Please...I am drained.<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by Dynamo (edited October 11, 2000).]

Bob,<P>Hang in there, Bob. From where I sit things look like they are coming along. Wish I could report such news! I understand how frustrating things are, but a little more patience and I believe you'll begin to see some of the results you've worked so hard to produce.<P>W has already told you that she is not going to continue A. Also, that she wants to work on the marriage. Realizes that the OM isn't who/what she wants. Bob, the fog is lifting!!! You're probably to close to see it, but it is. <P>So you feel like a door mat for a few more days/weeks, but what if after that your relationship takes off to something you've been praying for? Hang in there, Bob.<P>As difficult as it is, you need to continue with a positive attitude. Every little thing you do, is going to affect her attitude at this point. Things are fragile now, but you can do it. Believe that you can, then you will win her over!! Good luck!<P>You're in my prayers, Many Tears<BR>

I agree with previous post. I'd hang in there. As frustrating and as hurtful as it is, I think you need to hang in there because it seems like things may get better. You have come too far to just drop the ball now. At least you are at the point of hearing she loves you and wants marriage to work. You can keep a good eye on what she is doing, and you know that there can be rocky times during withdrawal, from what I've read.<P>At least you are talking, and hopefully you can get through this together and make it wonderful.

Thanks. Not that I have been a clear thinker through this mess...I have been in pretty good shape till today. I feel good about myself, but I am in such a fog right now. My judgement is so fuzzy, I don't know what to think.<P>I guess the best thing to do is to let it rest for a day or so.<P>Before we left the office today, my W did say that she felt that a great weight had lifted....maybe that is a positive sign. I just don't know.<P>Many and Rick,<P>Thanks so much for your encouragement. I need someone to push me along sometimes. This is about the only place I can turn to for support on a daily basis.<BR>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by Dynamo (edited October 11, 2000).]

Hi Bob:<P>I know you're asking yourself "Can I trust her...Is what she's saying the truth?" Well, you're on your own here...your instincts are what will be your guide.<P>Is there still a tiny bit of hope that you can build on? If so, then you have to take the chance...there will be times for drawing the line in the sand later if necessary.<P>I know you want to believe but you just find it hard....sometimes when the truth is told...it's just a little too late to be believed. The signs look good though...if you can believe her (and you are the best judge of that)...she's wanting to end A...sees OM in different light...wants to commit to marriage...doesn't want to leave.<P>Perhaps this time you have to take the leap of faith necessary to continue on. Confirm your belief in the effectiveness of Plan A by continuing to stick to what appears to be working...despite the bad tract record of no-contact with OM. This could be the final contact...you need to be around to encourage that and to assist her in withdrawal.<P>The eventuality of her going back to OM is increased if you ask her to leave so think carefuly about this decision. After all you should know one way or the other in a few more months and can still make a final decision about separation then.<P>Either way, we're with you.<P>Faye <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 11, 2000).]

Dynamo (Bob),<P>I would let it rest for a day, like you say. Things look like they could be ready to improve. And don't forget, you have responded to some of my posts, and helped me alot. I too consider this the place I can turn to when I'm having a bad day and not dealing with this very well. I can tell someone else to hang in there, but then the same day one event can happen that just overcomes my mind and messes me up. I guess we are all on this roller coaster of emotions. But anyway, I see good signs for you, so hang in there and give it some more time.<P>Thanks for your help on my posts.

Dynamo -<P>I think you know my feelings as a WS. I think your wife is trying - she says she wants to stay, doesn't want to leave. . .That's good, it's a positive step. But I think she's having a really hard time with withdrawl from the OM. I don't think she needs to send another no contact letter/message, but she needs to uphold her end of the deal - NO CONTACT.<P>Tell her to post on this site when she gets the urge to call or contact the OM - I think she does see the OM flaws - but she'll never really make it through recovery - or even have shot at it unless she loses those urges to contact the OM - and, as a WS, the only way I could do that was not to contact the OM. I've one three months wiht no contact - I still have some days when I wonder how he's doing - but I absolutely have no urge to contact him, or to see him or to be with him. . .But I have only been able to get this far because of no contact.<P>Have her post here, I'll talk with her about it. . .She's got to do some work, and it ain't easy sometimes, but if she wants to stay, I think she needs to be willing to stop contact - a day at a time, a week at a time, a month at a time. . .if she wants to stay, I would think she needs to at least make that commitment to you. But hang in there. . .

Bob: I know how you feel. While I have no concrete evidence that my H is seeing OW or someone else I still hear unexplained messages, disappearing cell phone logs, etc.<P>I too feel like such a fool. Slowly my self esteem is draining. My H continues to swear that nothing is going on, that he wants to be with me forever, that he cares and respects me and our family too much, so on.<P>I want to believe him teribly however, in an effort to protect myself, I continue to question his words and the honesty in them. I ask myself what could be his alterior motives. Why would he stay? Only for our D?<P>I keep riding the roller coaster and hope that it will come to an end soon. There are times when I feel like we can overcome anything and other when I feel like our relationship is only a joke. My feelings for my H are so strong yet so is my desire to "grow up" and do what's right. We have been in recovery for several months but it's been such a bumpy road I just wonder if he and I are just fooling ourselves. I truly think we can save the marriage but my doubt lies with my H and his needs and committments. I'll quit rambling.<P>Please don't think of yourself as the fool. Yes it sure feels like it. Your self esteem may be in a deficit but keep in mind that one one hand when you are finally ready to let go that your self esteem will come back full force and on the other hand if your W becomes as determined as you to recover from this tragedy then in the end your family will still be in tact and your marriage fuller than ever.<P>Not much of an answer or a resultion and it doesn't take away what you feel today. But, someday, either way this will all be just a memory. A quote from my sister. Be good to yourself and just take things slowly.<P>Your W needs to get to work on the damage she has created and you need to get to work on the healing. Good Luck.

Bob, I posted once to some WS here, asking her why she and OM were going to decide how to end it. I told them shouldn't it be you and your spouse decide what to do with this other person that doesn't belong in your life?<P>It sounds like your W is willing, but will need your help to avoid contact. We sent a no contact letter (I posted it here not too long ago if you search on my name). It was business like, no doors left open. Then I monitored his email for months and asked if there had been contact.<P>My h was willing to break off, but still needed help. It's interesting she describes it as a "hit" cause that's what it is, like drugs.<P>As painful as it is, we learned to turn to each other for comfort when we were down. That is honestly what it will take.

Everyone: Your kind words are unbelievable comfort. I'm 6'5", and I am surprised sometimes at what a big softy I am...heart on my sleeve. I was moved to tears by your words of support. Just having someone say "It's ok, you will get through" makes a huge difference. I wonder what I would do if I did not stumble across this wonderful support group. It refreshes my faith in humanity to be here.<P>This is what happened last night. I was so drained by the experience yesterday that I really didn't have the energy or desire to talk about it with my W. This was very different from the past. Usually, I would want to find out every little detail on how she was feeling, her reactions to seeing the OM, etc. There was none of that this time.<P>My W did all the talking, so I just listened. She described the experience of seeing OM as a "big step"(as in getting over the A). She said she did go there for the high...the ego boost...she always got from him. This time it was different...she saw someone who looked unappealing to her. She says she did not get the same ego boost she usually got, and actually wanted to leave right away. She did. She also said she got a much more clear picture of what she was doing not only to me and her children, but to herself.<P>So after sleeping on this and reading what all of you have said to me, I believe that in spite of the contact issue this IS the positive sign I have been looking for. It is what I have been asking for; praying for. The fog is lifting.<P>Last night my W was telling me that she loves me, needs to be more understanding of what I am going through, and wants to do anything in her power to make our marriage work. I now believe that the armor of the A has crumbled.<P>I don't expect life to suddenly turn 100% better...I'm know there is much more work to do, and more ups and downs to deal with. This morning I at least regained my optimistic outlook.<P>Thanks for helping me see this.<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by Dynamo (edited October 12, 2000).]

Hey, dude, you got two positive signs - number one is the fog around the A is lifting (woo hoo), the second and I think the most important positive step was the fact that she told you - honestly - how she was feeling. That is HUGE for a WS, trust me, I know. . .So, give yourself two pats on the back for hanging in there. Yeah, there will be ups and downs, but honesty about her feelings, that's cool. Keep reaffirming that you want her to be honest with you - no matter what she is feeling, even if she thinks it might hurt you. . .and that you two will get through this TOGETHER. woo hoo. That was a good update, made my day!