My wife is living a life of lies, and her new circle of friends most likely have no idea that I want to save our marriage. We are in same house, but she is supposed to move in 3 weeks. Her new friends that know accept that my wife has a new man, and I believe they think that it just didn't work for us, so we are splitting. I think OM probably thinks that too. She lies to me, her family, her new friends, and doesn't contact all her real best friends (this is all too common of course).<P>What I'm wondering is if I was to tell a friend some stuff like how I want to save marriage, I'm hurt by her actions, I love her, we still sleep in same bed, etc., and it get to her circle of friends, it would crack her tower of lies a bit. I know, you'll probably all tell me to forget it and just keep Plan Aing, which is what I'm doing. But I'd like to know what you think. I just realized today that her co-worker is catching on to her lies. I covered that in another post, but I sent flowers to wife's work, and she told everyone that she didn't know who they were from. Her co-worker that knows about OM now knows they were from me, and was shocked that my wife lied. I just feel like there is this opening now where I could have more truths filter into her other life, without having to do much myself. The opening is that my friend is friends with my wife's co-worker, and my friend just learned that the co-worker knows alot about OM situation, but didn't know how I feel about my wife.<P>What do you think? Thanks as usual.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited October 11, 2000).]

Rick,<P>I'm so screwed up right now, I don't know if this makes sense, but here goes.<P>I don't see how it would be a LB if you were just letting friends know how you felt. If it has the effect of showing her as less than honest with her friends, fair enough.<P>It would be a LB if you used a friend to try to "talk sense" to her.<P>Personally I wouldn't let my reputation be tarnished if my W was working it over.<P>My 2 cents...<P>Bob<P>

Rick,<P>I think in this case all's fair in love and war. I won't spread any lies, but letting people know that you love her and want the marriage to work, when the subject comes up seems like something that isn't an LB.<P>However, what will be an LB is when/if they say something to her about you wanting the marriage to work and she asks how they know. If they you said so, then you will have LB'd because you broke the code of silence.<P>You know that code you signed with you got married? I am sure you remember doing that don't you? <P>Hey, go for it.<P>JL

Hi Rick,<P>I tried this one myself. I wanted that other group of people to know the truth !! All I can guess is that they just don't care, don't want to get involved, don't understand or are happy with the happy new couple. You said it yourself, her co-worker was SHOCKED that SHE lied. Obviously she is viewed as honest.<P>Involving the group was a waste of time because what happens with your marriage is totally between you and your W. If you read this site you will see that most often these manipulations don't work to the benefit of marital recovery. Most important, this does not add to your recovery or making you feel better.<P>The realty you face is a WS with plans to move and get on with her new relationship. I know I could not begin to explain the contorted thinking that goes into sleeping with you and "maintaining" your marital relationship. In 3 weeks she just flips the switch and turns it all off? <P>You say you love her and want the marriage. The best thing you could be doing now is a strong plan A and stop considering potential LBs. You may have to let this affair run its course - as many others here do. She moves with your loving support, lives elsewhere with your lovng support and, when it is your time, you move to plan B.<P>It's a terrible time and takes strength you don't even know you have to get through this.<BR>While it may feel like she is doing this "to" you, her reality is that she is doing this for herself (selfish). <P>How much are you willing to do, what are your limits? What is the goal? Keep this in mind with every action you take. <P>PS- I think it was you, if not forget it. But, do not allow her to remove your children from the home. If you have to get day care, a nanny and 20 sitters due to your work schedule, do it.

I think it is fine if you talk to a friend...<BR>Just be fair & honest.<P>Kathi

Hi Rick:<P>I don't understand your purpose in wanting to do this...it really will have little effect on you marriage...except to maybe be a LB to your wife if she finds out.<P>Nothing stays hidden for long...I'm sure that if one person in her office knows what's really going on before long everyone will know....but what difference does it make. It's won't stop her...she thinks she's right...nothing you can do can stop her (Where have I heard that before? ) or really effect her at all...except for what you are doing in Plan A....unconditional acceptance, love and support while trying to meet her ENs. <P>Please concentrate on what has the real possibility of making a difference in this mess (Plan A)...accept that you may have to let the affair run its course...take care of yourself and your children...and let go, for now.<P>Separation is not a marriage killer...it's just a time to back off and let be...a time to think unclouded by the demands of the marriage...for each of you to see what you really want. Give her the time if she needs it. <P>Hopefully you'll still be there when she needs you to free her from herself (read Firmstorm's Parable <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/005969.html" TARGET=_blank>All in a Dream </A>...if you haven't read it)<P>Faye<P> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 11, 2000).]

I needed to add some thoughts on this. In my case my wife told me that she told everyone she works with that I was unhappy and wanted to separate. The OM told his wife he separated from, that I threw my wife out. I heard this from OM wife. I feel that when her co-workers ask me a direct question, that I can tell the truth. I tell them we both have things to work out and I hope we can get back together because I love her more than ever. The OM wife I told the story she heard was not true and My wife left because she didn't feel I loved her enough. I didn't add anything about OM's part in all this. If lies are told to make one partner look bad and to make it easier to split I don't see it as wrong to kindly let your intentions be known.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited October 22, 2000).]

Rick,<P>I have to agree with Buffy - What do you hope to accomplish?<P>If your like me and probably all BS's you have told your WS ad nauseum that you:<BR>Love her;<BR>Want her to stay & work on marriage;<BR>and that you are hurt.<P>Believe me, she knows these things, telling others and hoping that it gets back to her will not change what she has all ready heard many, many times.<P>Stay in Plan A, regardless of her behaviors, until you feel that it's time for Plan B. I've been Plan Aing for nearly one year , but really only 4-5 months the way you are supposed to..without LBing...Whether or not W returns I'm a better person and I discovered internal strength that I never knew I had.<P>Believe me, either way, it works.<P>Good luck<P>Jack

Thanks everyone. Just to answer what I might accomplish, I guess just trying to stop the runaway train of lies. So far, she has lived double lives and no one has questioned anything, because she has kept them separate enough. But the 2 worlds are starting to collide. OM is apparently not offering future, but is content to keep seeing her, and she is foolish enough to do that. The one bomb I could drop would be to let his parents know, because I know that they have expressly prohibited him from having anything to do with my wife (their culture). So it is supposed to be a secret. I just get carried away sometimes and want to expedite the cracking of the fantasy. Exposing the lies, or telling his parents (letter or whatever) would do it. But in the end, I know that it may cause more harm than good.<P>It is just so irritating to sit back and see so many lies unfolding. I wonder who this person is, and what on earth she is thinking. So sometimes, I think of collapsing the lies tower.<P>It is late, so I better get some sleep. My sweet wife is sleeping soundly in OUR bed so I better go up there and join her! I'm being too sarcastic now.<P>Take care everyone.<P>

Rick37 -<P>You know, I just remembered something about my Affair. . .After the first no contact, the OM called me in 2 months. Now mind you, this was before I found this site, and I thought I could be friends with the OM. So, I even told some lies to the OM - like things we're going okay (versus great), that we were going on vacation to Maine - the rocky coast, how appropriate (when things were going extremely well for me and my H).<P>I can't explain it, but I still lived in two separate worlds - filled with lies. I was still trying to pretend to the OM that I had "it all together." While I was still trying to reallyr on marriage.<P>The lies will catch up with your wife - friends, co-workers are already seeing the cracks in her stories -I think s' blow it all on her wn, but as JL said - all's fair in love and war. . .I wouldn't tell any lies but you would just spreadng the truth.

I don't see how it could hurt if you were doing it with love in your heart. Maybe not the his folks thing, that just gets weird. But as for letting her "friends" know the truth - go for it. Whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you and the truth shall set your butt free we would hope.

Rick, I understand your need to get the truth out. When OW started sending flowers and showing up at H's job, he told everyone that we were seperated. I knew nothing of the affair. I now know why people he works with, even a former best friend of 13 yrs, ignored me when they saw me in stores. They didn't know what to say. When I found out I made sure H cleared the air at work and came clean.

Rick <P>MHO here...whats wrong w/ you talking to <BR>"YOUR" friends about your situation? You need a support group too..she apparently has one<BR>that "she" talks to..and if they happen to know some of the same ppl. <P>Yes, she will probably get angry..but thats her anger and own guilt she'll have to live with..NOT Yours and NOT your responsibility <BR>something she will have to look into her own<BR>mirror at..and face herself..maybe for the first time..

A message passed on to me from counseling with Steve...<P>{b]You[/b] cannot, by the nature of being in Plan A, give all the <I>right</I> messages to your WS. (I don't mean "educate her")<P>Sometimes (according to Steve)... <B>others</B> have to send the WS the <I>right</I> messages...<P> <P>Jim